danger, triggers

i want to do something dnagerous. it is so scary to me. i do not matter. i am hurt, i am ashamed, i am not respected, she ripped me up though i gave her all the support i could muster. hours of emailing and yet it is never enough. i'm soo dead, blank, inhuman, ghosty. invisible, meaningless....

i am 55. since i was 9, i knew my life was over, ruined. at 18 i looked for a solution to the despair inside and eventually i encountered God and became a Christian. it was first thing that i experienced that was positive. i did not know i was mpd/did, ptsd, depressive, had over a decade of fierce and frequent abuse of every kind.

i've tried to become healthy and staunchly positive and every time i get up someone or something knocks me down. i am so sick of the pain and shame of that. i wish i could finally feel genuinely better and stay that way. i just don't know how to do this and i don't know what to say. there are no words genuinely vivid enough to convey the depth of hurt and the breadth of rage and the length of of isolated lonliness that torture me tonight. no one i.r.l. knows how i really feel. very few would really care how i feel if they did actually look into my eyes and see what is there.

from before i could walk and until i was at least 25 years old there was physical, emotional, sexual and /or satanic ritual abuse and spiritual abuse. i could write a horror story and it would be true - but the way i coped with the abuse was dissociating from it. the salvation of my childhood destroyed the continuity of my life in adulthood. every direction i look i am alone. i am a loner though i was born highly social. i hold many of my words back when i was born a chatterbox who spoke early and had a precocious vocabulary. all the things that were special about me as a small child were defiled, distorted, degraded or destroyed by the after-effects of watching babies tortured and murdered and having my own innocence murdered day by day by family members who worshipped with blood and violence.

i want to scream loudly and demand someone listen to me, demand someone acknowledge my agony, beg for someone to show me how to live a life that doesn't wring my heart daily.

THERE ARE SOME HERE WHO DID REACH OUT, OPENLY OFFERING KINDNESS. PLEASE KNOW I AM GRATEFUL FOR EVERY GIFT OF KINDNESS SINCERELY OFFERED. WHY IS IT THAT THE UNKINDNESS SEEMS MORE POWERFUL TO DEVESTATE ME THAN THE KINDNESS IS TO ELEVATE ME FROM MY UGLY PAST??????

I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I AM NOT GOING TO SELF-INJURE. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO BUT MOURN ONCE AGAIN THE UNENDING PAIN THAT IS THE LARGEST PORTION OF MY LIFE. EVEN MY FAITH HAS NOT BEEN ENOUGH TO BANISH THE CRUEL ABUSE THAT HAUNTS ME.

IT HURTS SO BAD. MY INABILITY TO DESCRIBE WHAT IS TORTURING ME IS JUST ONE MORE TURN OF THE SCREWS THAT DRILL INTO MY MIND. IF I COULD ONLY GENUINELY FORGET INSTEAD OF DISSOCIATE. IT HAS BEEN 30 YEARS SINCE THE LAST OVERT RAPE OR SATANIC RITUAL, WHEN WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO GET PAST IT AND NOT HAVE IT TRIP ME UP IN MY CURRENT LIFE? WILL I EVER WALK WITHOUT MY PAST MAKING ME LIMP AND WILL I EVER LIVE WITHOUT MY SPOUSE'S DISBELIEF POURING SALT INTO THE NEVER QUITE HEALED WOUNDS OF WHAT THEY DID TO ME.

DAMNED FROM BEFORE, TORTURED EVERMORE TIL I 'M GIVEN THE GIFT OF RIGHTEOUS DEATH.

TORTURED PIXIES

Pixies... don't have words to offer you, tho I wish I did. I know that no words would help right now anyway.

This person... the words they used... do you think maybe it has triggered a whole heap of past stuff? It seems like more is going on for you than a reaction only to their words. What I mean by that is, do you think it has tapped into / drawn out a whole lot of past feelings as well?

I wonder too if there might be some pr******ing stuff activated here? Present day stuff frequently used to activate some of that for us, sending us into a su* spin. I don't know if that is what is going on for you, but watch out for it, and don't listen to it if it is. Because all that pr******ing stuff is just rubbish and lies designed to keep us from healing. Sometimes just recognising it for what it is can lessen its effects.

If all else fails, Pixies, just keep on breathing. Sometimes when the pain is too much it can be comforting for us to do nothing else but breathe.

I am sorry you are in so much pain tonight. Take care of you.
Keep breathing.

thank you, luce. your kindness does help. i think you are right, something triggered me into a response that was way more than the situation warranted. today my friend and i worked out the situation that began this and she freely apologised and she is not messing with my mind. she is another person who has had the pr******ng damage done to her. i'm not quite sure what is going on and would like to discover it so i don't respond to it like before. i can pray about this and ask God to help me get de-pr******ed.

i appreciate you for responding. this happened so late in the evening i had no where safe to turn for help. thanks!!!

leslie and her pixies

leslie, pixies, tortured or not...

i'm so sorry.

i don't have any words, but know that i'm thinking of you.

glad you talked with your friend.

sometimes we are drawn to people who've been through the same as us, and we become their therapists. i've done this too and actually did something dangerous because it was just too heavy, the stuff that was poured upon us. thankfully i survived and am now here, with you and the rest of pc.

many safe hugs if wanted/needed,
twilight

((((((((((((((pixies))))))))))))) I was not able to read your post, but I wanted to let you know I care.

Thank you, I Am Twilight, I appreciate your support. For some reason things are getting completely weird right now. I thought the holidays are tough, but this makes them look like fairy tales of happiness. I accept hugs today freely, I need them so much.

Thank you also, Wanttoheal, I understand and applaud your ability to protect your mind from posts that may trigger you. Thanks for being kind. I need that today because something very unkind just happened and it hurts.

leslie and stormy

((((((((((((((((((((((Leslie and the pixies))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry you are going through this. Yes, I believe one day you will walk without a limp and I hope that things will heal between you and your husband. I am sorry your journey has been so hard and so long. Know I am here.

BB

Leslie and pixies,

I'm looking at my hand as I hold it in front of me. Palm up and open, offered to you. I hope it helps in some small way.

notz

dear bb and dear notz , thank you for givng me your support. i just realized that this year coming up has many stresses in it - from good to not so great. weddings, counselings, surgeries, and lots of other things. i feel overwhelmed and must learn to take them one at a time. i just hate the feeling of anxiety. yuk.

hugs for your kindness!!!!

Yes, try to take things one day at a time, one hour at a time if that's what is needed. I often have to do that to get through my day. Take good care.

(((((pixies)))))

I also just wanted to offer a hug I know you don't know me but I can't help but feel your sadness and know one should have to feel so much pain alone!! Or have to go through so much period!! Thinking of you..
Misery

Thank you, nice people from pc.com. Leslie's got very bad headache and can't type right now, so i am doing it. Sorry it is not her instead.

We all appreciate you for being kind and supporting to her. We care about you too. You deserve support.

We are feeling very needy and lots of shame for having needs. It is wrong to need anyone or anything then you are vulnerable to bad people. There is so much evil our there to harm us.

Please stay safe and stay around here. If any of you are people who pray, would you pray for us tonight, we feel little and scared and so sad/lonely. Thank you!

Susana mariah, for leslie

Hi Susana Mariah, and all the other pixie peoples

You are right that it is dangerous to need things from bad people. It is really, really hard when you are a kid, and have normal human needs, and the only people around you are bad and do hurting things. When you're a kid and things are like that, it is certainly better to pretend that you have no needs at all.

But, we are all human, and all humans have needs, and sometimes - just sometimes - when we grow up and get to a different place in our lives with different people around us, it is okay to begin to learn how to trust and need things with safe people. It is a hard thing to learn though. But it is ok.

I guess I just want to say... it's okay to need things here. It's ok to say you need support when things are really hard. Just as you pixie people are here for others who struggle with having needs, others want to be here for you too. And it's ok. You guys are doing a good job of learning to reach out and trust that.

Take care o' you, Susana mariah.

Susana, I can't say it better than Luce did........

dear mc, thank you for being so kind and gentle. i appreciate it!!!

thank you luce and sannah, we are in a difficult place right now as we triggered and now we are feeling some really weird feelings right now that make it hard to communicate well. we saw an add for a series on showtime about a mom who is mpd/did and we changed while watching the ad for the show and feel very angry and aggressive - not a part of us we go into too much as it conflicts with most of our other alts. so if we say something rude, let us know and we'll apologise. grrr.

thank you for your support. leslie and pixies DO appreciate you all. right now though we feel like Atilla the Hun and want to swing our battle ax at someone on the stupid showtime channel - steven spielburg for one!!!!!
leaving now before i blow up and create carnage.

razor and rowdy and rebel

pixies I love you all. ((HUG))

Sorry TV can be stupid.
You's OK. Very OK!

((((((Minime)))))) and ((((((Kendyll))))))

Thank You, both for your kind and gentle words. I hope you are safe tonight and I hope you have good sleep and safe rest in warmth and good dreams!

Hugs, leslie and her pixies!!!