[Kiya]

Saw t tonight.... first since my near sui attempt monday... which i told t about and wish i hadn't. T tried to hospitalize me. I can't stop shaking. Not only did i refuse, but by saying those words; "Kiya, in this situation, I would hospitalize you... for a little while...not forever of course...." she put my DID system into a complete lock down where I couldn't move and barely whisper for over 20 minutes. I managed to say i'm sorry and shake my head an inch... T said "Well, we've never had a session like this".
The DID system won't allow it. Simple as that. Later, I called my friend and told her everything and she asked "How did you get to leave?? I can't believe T let you leave the office without restraints and a ride over..." @_@
It's just not possible - the system would switch into the feral animal part and scatter medical staff in every direction... which would then lead to my being restrained more and drugged.... which would lead to worse flashbacks and triggers.... and more mal-aligned escape attempts.... it's just not a pretty picture.... I can't allow it. We only told T half of what we were supposed to tonight- we know better now... can't make that mistake again. *shakes head*

[angelnellie3]

Dear Kiya,

I am new here, I just wanted to tell you that I hope that you are safe and Ok. I am looking forward to get to know you and hope you will be Ok.
All the best,
Nellie

[Sannah]

Please be safe............

[Kiya]

nellie, sannah, ...trying.... *kiya is in feral wolf form, jumping at shadows and watching for danger.*

[cantstopcrying]

I hope Kiya knows that she's safe here.

[Kiya]

cantstop... ty...technically kiya is pushed out, kris is not safe anywhere and wolf self is in. hard to explain

[cantstopcrying]

I'm sorry, just want you to know that posting here is safe and you're in my thoughts.

[Kiya]

I really appreciate it - i am trapped in a zombie... the other parts need to REMEMBER they are not the only ones in here.
(((((((((cantstopcrying)))))))))))))
kiya

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

I'm sorry, just want you to know that posting here is safe and you're in my thoughts.

[angelnellie3]

((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))

I am across the ocean, and I am thinking of you, and hope that you are safe and Ok. Reading your posts, you touched my heart, and I am sending you some positive thoughts and wishes of wellbeing!
((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))
You are in my thoughts!
All the best,
Nellie

[Kiya]

Nellie - thank you ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
i am a bit more stable today I think.... very tired. but stable. if i can just keep the thoughts and mood "up"... maybe i can sleep more =)

[Typo]

((((((((((((((Kiya and alters)))))))))))))))))

Here for you, every part of you, I love you, and things will be okay, please be safe, and message me if you need anything at all hun.

your silverlilfish
Sparrow

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((Silver)))))))))))))))))))
OMG i am losing my mind in this house! Mom is driving me BEYOND crazy. I am literally shaking. I just got work and have to leave in like 10 min. but she's crazy, I'm losing my mind.... i feel SO much anger toward her and i am trying to stay calm.... BREATHE kiya please...... I feel like I'm losing this battle. It is taking everything I have to keep silent, and breathe and not snap. And i get afterschool daycare for 2.5 hours.... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Typo]

ohh dear Kiya, I wish I was there so I could give you a great big hug, Maybe going to work for a few hours will help with the anger you are feeling, it will get you out of the house and give you some time to get some air. Sending lots of hugs to you, I was thinking about you in yoga class the other day and sent my ohm out to you. I hope you get it, a little birdie is bringing it

(((((((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[multipixie9]

kiya and chris an wolf, things are bad and scary right now. they will get better again. you have many hurting feelings that the system needs to find a healthy way to get them out. they are driving the desire to su.

we are not close friends on here, but i do care and oh boy do i know about the fear of restraint and what i want to do to anyone who would restrain me.

i do have something i want to say and hope you can hear me. your T was acting out of concern and fear for your life - T was not just trying to restrain/curb/imprison you. as he said you never had a session like that one before. SO....try hard to not lose trust and try to keep going and working to get free.

i am sorry things are so intense and angry now. i care.

leslie and pixies

[Kiya]

Silv...lilfish... ty yeah - I think i was a bit of a tyrant the first hour (everyone in the gym with 2 boys doing everything possible to get in trouble and then pretend they didn't know they weren't allowed... then "sorry, sorry" then crockadile tears..... *oy* this is why i don't HAVE children. But after gym time, everything was better. I also picked up my new rx...changing from lexapro to the genaric of celexa... but not yet. the mind is fighting internally trying to "think good thoughts" not dark unallowed thoughts.... like Harry Potter trying to think Happy Thoughts to conjure a Patronis when he knows the dementors (think for me destructives) will make him hear his parents last moments... the battle of the wills, si??

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((leslie & pixies)))))))))))))))

Originally Posted by multipixie9

i know about the fear of restraint and what i want to do to anyone who would restrain me.

yes.... multiples do not do well with restraints... protectors come out and all hell breaks lose.

i do have something i want to say and hope you can hear me. your T was acting out of concern and fear for your life - T was not just trying to restrain/curb/imprison you. as she said you never had a session like that one before. SO....try hard to not lose trust and try to keep going and working to get free.

thank you... i know.... somwhere i know .... i am switchy.... i think another part already wrote something... i had to come back to this when my head cleared. i just don't know what is good and true for myself anymore. do i continue to play the part, the role, look fine? do i let myself collapse and someone else try to fix it? i know only i can answer that.... but right now, i can't even answer it. I keep hearing in my memory from my session... t said "Kiya! You could have died!" @_@ I couldn't answer her.