[DianasClan]

im having a hard time right now with crumby feelings. what does one do when they have feelings like i have. we have no memory of what ever truam wee must have endured as a child. there is only memory of the effects it had on us. for example becoming an us. but we do have memories of the horrible things that some clan members have done to others. why do we remember those horrible things that we did to someone else but not of what was done to us. susan did such nasty things that we dont deserve to be here. this is a place to heal and we dont deserve to heal. we should just go somewhere and die. healing is for the good and with what susan did we are not good. we are bad. these feelings s*ck. we dont deserve to be here. we just want to cry for all the pain evil ppl have done to you all. you are good ppl and dont deserve to be in pain. it makes me want to sh and to crawl in a hole and pull the dirt in over me. i hate these memories and having this knowlege of what susan did. i wish i never knew. *sigh* what to do with feelings like these. i cant sleep or eat or do anything. denise has to do everything cuz i cant. makes her nuts cuz she dont know what to do with me. i dont know what to do with me. im sorry for taking up your time and taking up space on this board. i jist dont know what else to do except sh and denise would be very mad if i did that. but that is how i feel.
sorry
jess of the clan

[JudeeB]

Jess,
As a child barely one year old we were exposed to SRA. We were exposed to evil, we participated in evil behaviors for 4 years. What I learned is that what was done to us did not make us bad or evil. I was an innocent child forced into bad things by adults who chose to do evil things.

The fear and pain were so great that my mind began to split so I could endure it. When my little parts got brave enough to talk to our T and tell her what happened, or the older protector, Lily descibed these things, or the artist, Emily, drew sketches of the rituals, we were shown that the evil ones were the cult members not us.

It wasn't quick or easy to get them to put the shame back where it truly belonged but over time they could see the truth. No one in my system was old enough to understand or even choose what happened over those years.

Throw in some programming and threats and there were some very confused little parts believing all kinds of false notions about who they were.

My hope for you is that one day you will see the truth of what really happened and know you were a victim of some very sick people. You deserve to be free of the shame and guilt and confusion. You deserve to have a life out of the darkness. You are important and you matter. You all are so much more than what was done to you.

It does take time and courage. We are here at PC to let you know bad things happened but you are not bad! You are not alone and there are folks who undestand and care.

Judy and Company

[DianasClan]

judy

thank you for your support. we dont deserve it. i understand what you mean when you said

What I learned is that what was done to us did not make us bad or evil. I was an innocent child forced into bad things by adults who chose to do evil things.

. but what susan did she did of her own free will. it wasnt sra but sex stuff and no adult was around. what she did was shamefull and bad. it hurt another person and it hurt us and we dont deserve to even be here. we are bad. but susan wasnt forced into doing anything. that makes it even worse.

thanks again for your support.
jess of the clan

jess,

Have you ever heard of trauma reenactment? Would you consider the possibility that this is what susan was doing?

Many traumatized people expose themselves, seemingly compulsively, to situations reminiscent of the original trauma. These behavioral reenactments are rarely consciously understood to be related to earlier life experiences.

In behavioral re-enactment of the trauma, the self may play the role of either victim or victimizer.

http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/

You all deserve to be here.

[DianasClan]

Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom

jess,

Have you ever heard of trauma reenactment? Would you consider the possibility that this is what susan was doing?

Many traumatized people expose themselves, seemingly compulsively, to situations reminiscent of the original trauma. These behavioral reenactments are rarely consciously understood to be related to earlier life experiences.

In behavioral re-enactment of the trauma, the self may play the role of either victim or victimizer.

I have never heard of this concept before. Susan was very young when all of this occured and it went on for several years. I am not even sure what prompted it to stop. I am just glad that it did stop. Diana would be devistated if she were to remember what susan did.

Thank you for posting this.
Denise of the clan

[multipixie9]

diana's clan,

my story is similar to judy's story. my family was into satanism and from infancy i was "dedicated" to satan and supposedly being raised to be a "high priestess" in a cult. complete lies of course but they did many things in many ways to make me compliant with the behaviors they wanted me to do. most of which i would not ever write on here because it is too ugly to hurt you guys by mentioning it. they forced me to do evil and then told me neither God nor people could ever ever ever forgive me for any of this. they also told me "God" was taking part in certain rituals with me so i would not run to Him for help. they took a powerless toddler, ruined her and blamed her for her own pain and coerced behavior.

this is a typical abuser behavior to tangle the victim in pain, guilt and shame to keep them down and away from light and healing.

i am innocent because i had no real choice. later on i acted out some of the lesser sexual behaviors with playmates and felt very guilty for entangling them in what i knew instinctively was wrong for us as children. God forgave me for my childish acting out of inappropriate behavior. he was never angry with me, just with all the evil people who were fully grown and chose their path freely.

thankfully, when i grew up i got to become a Christian and it gave me the values i live and die by. my past will always make me feel creepy because it is so terribly ugly. but i now put the true blame on the real culprits.

someday you will be able to do this also. a small child taught sexual behaviors will respond to them because he/she is human and humans are sexual beings. often, when a small victim acts out with friends or other small children he/she is very shamed by any adults who discover the behavior and that can set the child up to carry an unfair weight of guilt and shame that truly belongs to an abuser.

i finally got tired of punishing myself since i was the only one left from that past. now i try to move away from self-harm, self-destruction and whatever will punish me - that was never what the only being who loved me wanted. God wants me healed and filled with love. someday that is EXACTLY what i WILL be!!!!!!!!!!!

sh only pleases the ones who desire your harm. you all deserve so much more and better than that.

stormy