The Mother is very ill. She lives 1000 miles away. She hasn't much changed over the yrs.
I talked to her the other night and she poured out all about her illness to me.
She said the Father is not well either. (he is 81, she is 76)
she hinted that she would like me to come and care for her--not right out saying it...but she hints without expressing needs.
After she told me about her situation, she asked how my H and I were. I said we are fighting colds and I have surgery on the 12th and will be laid up for about 3-4 weeks. It is nescessary elective surgury.
The father promptly hung up the phone without a goodbye and she said thank you for calling and hung up.

It is disasterous when we are together. Insiders are triggered and scared of the Mother and Father. And to top it all of, I do NOT like being around old sick people.Or even physically ill adults.

She is the Mother--Even tho she abandoned us and then took us back at 3 yrs old. And was sure to remind us all the growing up yrs that we ruined her life---and she used many methods to get that across.

We don't hate her.
We feel very guilty that we can't go help her.
Other siblings have
We are the oldest
We have never gone to help her.

[Jewels]

I'm sorry that your mother and father are ill, and elderly. It is a difficult situation when siblings go and help, and expect you to also. However, you could talk to your siblings and tell them that you just can't go down to help out due to your own problems at home. They don't have to know what kind of problems you are having, nor do they need to know the real reason why you can't go down to care for the parents. That is for you to decide who to tell what to, and depending on whether or not you think it would be passed around to all the other siblings.

Your mother's veiled attempts to get you to come down to care for them can just be ignored if you choose to. If she can't even ask, then there is something there that she knows beyond doubt that you would say no to her if she were to ask you point blank. So, unless she can ask you outright, don't feel bad about something. The veiled attempts could be a guilt complex of her own doing, knowing she made your life miserable while you were growing up.

We know that we could never EVER take care of our mother. She is too utterly controlling, demanding, and downright mean to us and to our daughter to ever consider it. She would either have to live on her own or live with other relatives. We cannot now, or ever, deal with her the way she is toward us. She is the same way--she gives off veiled attempts at what she wants but never says it so we can hear it and understand it. We decided a long time ago it was in our best interest to have a good long distance relationship with her, rather than a bad local relationship.

Don't know if this helps. Hopefully it does. We know what feelings you are feeling, as we are in the same spot, both emotionally with our mother, and relationally.

Crys of Jewels

[Sannah]

Iris, I don't think that you are doing anything wrong. I am very happy that you are meeting your needs. But, yeah, your guilt is from that?

Our parents were messed up and they messed up our lives and we are now doing the work and healing but they never did. They are still where they always were. There is no need to go back into the hole for them. They didn't meet our needs. How much guilt do we see from them resulting from that? Yeah, none........ I can see helping them a bit if it doesn't hurt you but if it is going to suck the life out of you, absolutely not!

So they hung up as soon as they heard that you couldn't come? Did they show concern for your cold or for your upcoming surgery?

Crys--we once told the Mother that if she ever needed to live with someone it could not be us. we agree that a "good" long distance relationship is way better than a bad close by one. No way can we be near her for very long. have tried to tell myself they are old and can't hurt us-----yeah right---her tongue and attitude hurt worse than anything physical. they always did--would rather the physical than emotional......words destroy. they burn a hole in the soul.

Sannah----no, no concern for colds or surgery. none. but then, it's not surprising. never had, never will.....
guilt because we "should"---we are the oldest of 6. not the "good" one to say the least right now.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( white iris )))))))))))))))

[Poohbear13]

White Iris~

I commend you for at least having some kind of relationship with your parents. I don't have any relationship with my mother because of her toxicity and very limited with my father due to his neglect of me when I was growing up.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. Keep yourself safe and do what is going to keep you safe.

Perhaps there is the fear that someday it might be me and my H.
Think the sons will help....we are all very close. But then again
what if........
wi

[DianasClan]

I can understand your guilt. My parents and I have a strange relationship to say the least. Growing up they had no concern for me and my health. They were very abusive both verbally and physicaly. But about 3 years ago that began to change when I went into the m-hospital for being sucidal and then went to a rehab for alchohol dependency. they cane to family counsleing and denied that the past had even occured. It still hurts me today as our relationship is a superficial one where the past does not exsist. We do not talk of it ever. They now care on a superficial level. My dad has relativly good health but he does have poblems. I think if care were needed it would fall to my brother as he lives much closer to them. I am like you and dont do well with sick adults.

I think you are doing the right thing and keeping your self safe. That should be the primary thing. If you are not safe who will take care of you and your family. I support your decission.

(((((((((white iris)))))))))

Diana