[Miri]

I'm struggling so hard with depression and I'm so weary ... I really thought i had made up my mind not to move ahead with ETC, it just scares me so much, but then i think, how long can i go on like this? I've been in a major depressive episode for over two years and completely off antidepressants for several weeks now. Every day is a huge struggle. I live alone and I don't see very many other people so I have to be very strong. Bedtime is horrendous. Some really lousy things have happened in the last few weeks and I can't shake it, cry every night over the same issue and don't know how to deal with it. I want to fix it, but the perwson involved is unlikely to react well if I ask him to talk about it. Not everyone is open or willing to examine their behaviour. I can't risk making things worse because the person i am in conflict with is my son-in-law. I love my daughter and i love him, too, but neither of them is willing to hash things out. They get so reactive and close their ears. I think and think and think about what is bothering me, I look at my attitudes, what i have done to contribute to the problem and still I come to same conclusions, that I would have done very little differently. And he acted like a jerk, but I don't want to continue to have negative feelings towards him. My grandchildren are part of this. I just feel horrible and stuck and completely miserable. Any wisdom to share with me?

[Kiya]

Hi... of course I know very little about you, but I would say 1. go with your gut feelings. I think ECT is very scary also, and you would have some memory loss.
2. you said "I don't want to continue to have negative feelings towards him." This would lead me to say "forgive him" (NOT CONDONE his behavors or forget... forgiving is about giving YOURSELF a break from the reactivity from the event). It also does NOT mean be a doormat. But let yourself go of this anger.
Course that and depression are different. How long have you had dperession? The 2 years, or longer? Has this been life-long? ECT is usually a last ditch effort. Try to get out as much as you can, find things that interest you (easier said than done, oh do i know), see people... find something that makes life important again for you.
And be gentle with you (((((((((((hugs!)))))))))))

[Miri]

Originally Posted by Kiya

Hi... of course I know very little about you, but I would say 1. go with your gut feelings. I think ECT is very scary also, and you would have some memory loss.
2. you said "I don't want to continue to have negative feelings towards him." This would lead me to say "forgive him" (NOT CONDONE his behavors or forget... forgiving is about giving YOURSELF a break from the reactivity from the event). It also does NOT mean be a doormat. But let yourself go of this anger.
Course that and depression are different. How long have you had dperession? The 2 years, or longer? Has this been life-long? ECT is usually a last ditch effort. Try to get out as much as you can, find things that interest you (easier said than done, oh do i know), see people... find something that makes life important again for you.
And be gentle with you (((((((((((hugs!)))))))))))

Kiya, sweet, thank you. I've suffered from depression since I was in my early teens, like 13, and I'm now middle-aged. We've tried all but a few of the old tricyclics as far as meds go. Only one, nardil, worked somewhat, for a few years, then life stuff triggered depression and more and more life events, and here i am. So yes, the ECT is definitely last-ditch. My psychiatrist is against it but my family doc, with whom i have a very good and caring relationship, actaully sees more of my depression because i allow him to, and so he is the one gently pushing for ECT. My psychiatrist is fairly new and a bit odd, so I don't really trust him. It's complicated, too.
The stuff about my son-in-law has to do with an ongoing concern that i do not wish to relate, but this is really an old problem. Unfortunately, he has dealt with it by being passive aggressive - teasing me about things that actually have hurt me very much. And i'm sensitve by nature as well as due to the depression. So I don't deal well with it, don't want to visit. They live in another city so it isn't like i can go for a few hours and leave. I go for a week at a time but now i just don't want to go back. I'm very close to my grandchildren, ages five and 3 and now my daughter is pregnant. I know i'm worrying about the future, but my son-in-law is going away for 10 days at the end of May and i know my daugghter is going to want me to come be with her. I can't imagine feeling safe. She can be passive aggressive as well, not in the same way, not as "mean" but it almost makes it worse. When i try to talk her what i get is, "oh Mom, don't be silly" or "You worry too much." blah, blah, blah. Should could be right to a degree but i also have legitimate concerns and she won't meet me halfway. We are just very different. We love each other, but we don't always like each other.
Sorry for going on and on, i'm very emotional. and i do get out, walk most days and sit in the food court at the mall, reading. I have a wonderful friend, but I don't want to overwhelm her so i'm conscious of how much I say to her. She gets me and loves unconditionally, and I love her, too. She also has DID. I am blessed to have her in my life. She has two little ones and I am their Nana, too - best antidepressants on earth!
You have given me good advice and i really appreciate your wisdom. I will try to let go of this, I do forgive my son-in-law but this is not going to go away. I have been praying (and crying) every night since I came home over a week ago.
My either daughter ... that's another story. I love both my children deeply and need to have good relationships with them. i raised them alone and I think that makes it even more important to me. Enough! I could write all night, but no wonder, I'm a writer, so I just have to stop.

[Kiya]

Miri =( ***hugs*** if you want some. That sounds not only challenging but possibly leaning towar the emotionally abusive side... I'm sorry! I get that - what it is like to be teased about things that have been damaging - dealt with that in my own family too. I did finally have to stop contact for my own mental health (though I understand how challenging that is when you still want a relationship with the person (though hopefully healthy). Perhaps the only thing that can be said is to continue to work on boundaries, say to them what you will and won't allow, let the rest go, and work on both taking care of you while leaving the door open to them to join you when they can be healthy about it. Wish there were easy answers!!!
Glad you are here seeking support!
kiya

[Miri]

Originally Posted by Kiya

Miri =( ***hugs*** if you want some. That sounds not only challenging but possibly leaning towar the emotionally abusive side... I'm sorry! I get that - what it is like to be teased about things that have been damaging - dealt with that in my own family too. I did finally have to stop contact for my own mental health (though I understand how challenging that is when you still want a relationship with the person (though hopefully healthy). Perhaps the only thing that can be said is to continue to work on boundaries, say to them what you will and won't allow, let the rest go, and work on both taking care of you while leaving the door open to them to join you when they can be healthy about it. Wish there were easy answers!!!
Glad you are here seeking support!
kiya

Thanks Kiya. I'm obviously fond of girafes ... so where did you get the girafe smiley? Need that little guy!!!

[I_miss_my_kitty]

what is ETC?

[Miri]

Originally Posted by I_miss_my_kitty

what is ETC?

Sorry, it is short for electroconvulsive therapy, more commonly known as shock therapy. I talked to my Mom today, her sister had ECT many years ago and I wanted to know how she reacted. Apparently, she only had one treatment because it was not good, but my Mom didn't know details. This is the only option left got me to try to get a grip on this depression. I'm in serious trouble and people are worried about me, but this is a huge decision. I feel physically ill just thinking about it. The possible side effects could potentially end my independence. If the memory loss was more than temporary, and that risk is there, I don't know what could happen to me. Actually, i don't think I want to talk about it anymore. Thanks to everyone who has responded.

[multipixie9]

Miri, considering how difficult things are right now I would suggest you only agree to come and stay with your daughter if there were some ground rules set in place - certain things are not to happen and that she must agree to listen and not ridicule what you say. You could tell her that you will only stay as long as those conditions are met - if you go there you are doing her a BIG favor and she needs to appreciate that. If she keeps the boundaries well and good and if she will not then carry through and go on home and let her make it on her own.

I am a mom of two adult daughters and we are not in any real struggles but I've come to realize that mother is not synonymous with slave!!!!!!!! You do not owe her a visit - it is a gift you offer and if she is not grateful for it do not keep giving. If you respect yourself and demand the same from her and set healthy boundaries it can be a very good thing.

It is inappropriate for her to put you down and call you silly or call your concerns "silly" - that is disrespectful.

Take any of this if it helps or let it go if it doesn't. I am just now learning that I have innate value and worth and I need to expect the people in my life to treat me decently and to STOP allowing anyone (my spouse in particular) to treat me badly, unkindly or disrespectfully. I have a lot of appreciation all of a sudden for Aretha Franklin's song "RESPECT". It is about a woman telling her man that he better find out what respect means to her if he wants her to continue to be there loving him!

I wish you well,

Leslie and the pixies