Surviving Ick

Yes i did and i read and was surprised that really, there was very little about my discomfort with her. It was a good springboard though and we talked a lot about things. For now at least, i will keep seeing her.

i think part of my discomfort is that i want definites because i'm so tired of the perpetual loop i'm in with what's real. She has the integrity not to automatically say, yes of course this happened and yes of course this is what it is. i also think i may have some parts wanting one thing and others wanting another. At the same time i find myself questioning everything and that's very uncomfortable for me. Do i even have parts? Have i drawn faulty conclusions regarding my abuse? Part of me knows i have parts and knows i was ritually abused and part of me, again, questions it all. i can go on forever with this and it's driving me f#$*ing crazy.

Thanks for asking. (lol--finger going up and down between lips in gesture of pure craziness)

{{{{{{{{{{{{{MeSo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

hugs dear freind..........

can we share the path with you?
we can walk hand in hand and as we walk towards the light and struggle with making sense out of the darkness of the path we can support each other and
know that we are not alone in our pain............

on a lighter note.we also seen T yesterday and this is how we feel about it atm.........

freind in thick and thin,

mary and all of us beadys

Yes, friend, we sure can and thank you so much for that.

btw, at the nose pickers!

You can talk funny and still use big words because older alters often help younger alters with writing! i know that makes a person wonder if we might be "fakin it" but I've read about this and it makes sense, so can you let go of that worry?
MeSo, if this therapist confounds you ... I think you know what I'm going to say. I'm not saying a person should walk out after therpy feeling better each session, because no, it's hard stuff we're dealing with, but if you're feeling badly about the therapist rather than the therapy ... you see the difference? Your wise self knows! Trust that part of you and if it says move on, then i hope you give yourself that gift sooner rather than later.

Thank you Miri. You always say such wise things. i do get so tired of the constant see-sawing. After talking to my therapist more, i think she's ok. i'm aware of some discomfort but it may be healthy discomfort. i dunno...all i can do is take it one session at a time i guess. i've had mixed experiences with therapy.

My first therapist re: child abuse was actually my daughter's behavior management specialist who also happened to work with another agency with abused children. i'm glad she was there but she didn't stay long and left at a rather crucial time. i was flooding with nightmares, an abreaction and poof she was gone.

My next therapist i saw off and on (mostly on) for about 14 years. i made some progress (greatly reduced hitting myself for "bad" thoughts) but i also feel that she was way too theoretical and talked too much. She'd make an observation then back it up with references...probably cuz she pursued her doctorate while treating me. But r.a. came up naturally through me and it took about 12 years before she offered me information on it. In some ways that's good because i was VERY cautious about not wanting to influence my memories in any way but in other ways not cuz SHEESH, 12 years! Parts had come up early on too but just was never addressed. i always had one thing or another going on and it seems like a lot of time was wasted. On the other hand (i'm ALWAYS doing this!!!) maybe i just wasn't ready.

Next i went to a therapist who specialized in r.a. and he was so matter of course re: parts and compartmentalization i felt like he skipped a whole lot. i needed to work toward the conclusion not have it handed to me. He also had a really dry sense of humor and i didn't always know if he was joking, which triggered me immensely cuz my dad was like that. One minute something was funny and the next the very same thing was beating worthy. Anyway, i just couldn't click with him but i saw him for over a year before ending things.

Then i saw a therapist who specialized in EMDR and had experience with ritual abuse. Unfortunately, the very first appointment--in her attempt to reassure me she had experience with r.a.--she detailed another client's experience with something (intentionally vague here) that was rather horrific and something i had never thought of. It was quite traumatizing to me. i only saw her maybe four more times before i quit. She kept saying we'd do art therapy, which i was excited about, but she didn't do it. She said she was uncomfortable with EMDR because i could have a violent part (F.U. lady!), and i found i couldn't stay for the whole session and even went there high once--both of which i'd NEVER done with therapy. i just couldn't trust her once she traumatized me...i just thought that was SO irresponsible of her.

So lastly, i was seeing someone at the sexual assault center and was having various dissociative reactions and experiences with parts, which i found to be encouraging. Then she flaked out and left and now i'm with the lead therapist at the center.

Man, you poor dear. i don't know why i just said all that but i'm gonna leave it. Maybe it's just my mild OCD...once i thought of the list i had to list it (rolls eyes at self).

Miri--you help me quite a bit. i'd really like to thank you for that but also hope i can somehow help you some time.

((((((((((((MeSo))))))))))))))

we haas tears coming up in eyes again as we readed your brave post..........
sound like you has had a very difficult time finding a good T adn we really hope that this one works out for you.........
also want to let you know that you are not alone in haveing a T ask iffen youhad any 'violent parts'....our current T has asked us this mroet then once like he think he not safe with bead ( f him) our sentiment also .........
dunnow hwere these T's come off asking ANYONE questions like this it is so degrading and we is sorry that u went thru that too....
we is still walking with you freind

beads

T should not say things that bring confusion and misery on you. That is not ok.

Those who do the terrible, worst things are so scary that sometimes children have to go along with them to survive. Plus if they do certain things to us our body will respond because we are human, not because we are wrong or evil. We are just human.

We endured SRA and all kinds of things you just can't say without hurting people on these forums and we don't want to do that to anyone. Our T has had to help us get through many, many horrible things they put us through. God has been a huge part of healing and helping me to escape the evil web they caught me in before I could even talk.

I can't help you by sharing stories of the past or talking about it, I am just not there yet. I wrote to let you know you are not alone and you are not wrong, bad or hopeless. The guilt is their's, the penalties will be their's. I have been able to release a lot of guilt and false responsibility (over time).

Any T who doesn't feel safe or who makes you constantly unsettled or who increases your guilt-feelings doesn't sound like a good fit for therapy. Even though a good T has to get you to face things from the past, he or she must do it with sensitivity, compassion and skill. I've had at least one psychologist who was dangerous to me and abusive. My current T has worked with me for over 14 years and partly that is because she had to grow into this kind of work and because living with a husband who is non-supportive and doesn't believe DID exists has slowed my ability to work down a lot.

Be kind to yourself, it is the right thing to do,

Leslie and her pixies

(((MeSo))) You did NOT deserve any of the awful icky stuff that happened. You were and are innocent. Please believe that. We love you.

Ty for your caring and concern and i'm so sorry for your experiences. i think i've worked through some of my discomfort and, at this point, am planning on continuing to see my current therapist. While that wasn't the primary focus of my posts in this thread, it was something i was wondering about and i appreciate the feedback.

i also understand your comments regarding sharing (or not sharing) your sra experience but would also like to say that i hope at some point you can allow yourself that freedom with an appropriate trigger warning. i feel the same way a lot of the time but other times afford myself the opportunity to get it out and seek support. That's what this place is for, though i do completely understand not wanting to harm others with the ugliness. i just wanted to say you matter too--quite a lot.

Thank you my friend. Your post really reached me. Much love to you and yours.

((((((((((((((((((MeSo)))))))))))))))))
thinking of you freind!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bead