is there ANY WAY i can control who goes to therapy tomorrow?

Teen totally took my sessions last week. I know T LOVES teen, and I thought she hated him, but apparently not. Although she is very very very very open about her criticism of him, his office decor, his "therapist speak" etc. He loves her anyway.

She has wanted our ears pierced for a long time. *I* could care less if they are pierced - I mean, I wear birkenstocks and jeans EVERY DAY of my life (unless i have a funeral or something!). But we got them pierced today. I just realized writing on the PT board that maybe by giving her a little of what she wants, she won't SI.

BUT! She's taken over therapy, she has her ears pierced. *I* need to go to therapy tomorrow. I had a bad, bad, bad, bad scary memory on Friday and I don't want to sit with it. It keeps popping into my head. I am in a rock band and while I was playing the drums on a really hard song last night *BAM* there it was, in my head, in the middle of my drumming ?! I can't have that. I want it to go away.

I have anxiety and insomnia and already feel really switchy. she is pushing at me. there is NO WAY she will tell T tomorrow about this memory. not a chance. and then when she wants to, she'll leave, and i'll still be sitting here with it. thinking about that makes me feel queasy.

I e-mailed T yesterday and said something about wanting ME, grown up treehouse, to come to therapy on monday. He said something about telling myself that that's what *I* want. But not all of me wants that. These days there is almost a scramble of parts wanting to be heard, and to be with T. *I* want to get to go.

Do I have a choice? I'm scared I don't. I don't think my ear piercing bribe is working. I mean, come on, I pierced my ears!!!!!! Can't I go to T?

And it's a 90 minute session. I want to go. But i'm already halfgone.

ideas? please?

Originally Posted by treehouse

is there ANY WAY i can control who goes to therapy tomorrow?

Teen totally took my sessions last week. I know T LOVES teen, and I thought she hated him, but apparently not. Although she is very very very very open about her criticism of him, his office decor, his "therapist speak" etc. He loves her anyway.

She has wanted our ears pierced for a long time. *I* could care less if they are pierced - I mean, I wear birkenstocks and jeans EVERY DAY of my life (unless i have a funeral or something!). But we got them pierced today. I just realized writing on the PT board that maybe by giving her a little of what she wants, she won't SI.

BUT! She's taken over therapy, she has her ears pierced. *I* need to go to therapy tomorrow. I had a bad, bad, bad, bad scary memory on Friday and I don't want to sit with it. It keeps popping into my head. I am in a rock band and while I was playing the drums on a really hard song last night *BAM* there it was, in my head, in the middle of my drumming ?! I can't have that. I want it to go away.

I have anxiety and insomnia and already feel really switchy. she is pushing at me. there is NO WAY she will tell T tomorrow about this memory. not a chance. and then when she wants to, she'll leave, and i'll still be sitting here with it. thinking about that makes me feel queasy.

I e-mailed T yesterday and said something about wanting ME, grown up treehouse, to come to therapy on monday. He said something about telling myself that that's what *I* want. But not all of me wants that. These days there is almost a scramble of parts wanting to be heard, and to be with T. *I* want to get to go.

Do I have a choice? I'm scared I don't. I don't think my ear piercing bribe is working. I mean, come on, I pierced my ears!!!!!! Can't I go to T?

And it's a 90 minute session. I want to go. But i'm already halfgone.

ideas? please?

i hear your frustration and angst. i think telling self you'd like to be able to talk with T is a good start. i think, if you can write down what you'd like to talk about and put it somewhere you can't miss it is possibly another good idea. That way, you can get what you want out even if "you" don't show up. i know that's not the whole of what you want but it may be a back up plan. Perhaps whoever shows up will see the note and that can prompt you to come forward. i hope you can form a cooperative relationship with your parts and that you all can get what you need.

[sillyfish]

Your therapist is right. if its what you want, and you want it bad enough, then you will be the one to go to therapy, if you are the host personality.

If you find that you have no control, try, and try again. Maybe you miss this session, but practice makes perfect. You do have the ability to control who comes out, and when. It just takes practice and time.

Relaxing helps, as best you can. get plenty of rest. and try telling the other personalities that you are taking this session. (they dont have to hear you, just say it to them)

I hope this helps.

Originally Posted by sillyfish

If you find that you have no control, try, and try again. Maybe you miss this session, but practice makes perfect. You do have the ability to control who comes out, and when. It just takes practice and time.

Thanks for your replies, sillyfish and MeSo.

Honestly, I'm tired of this. I just want there to be me, one of us.

[sillyfish]

then your in the perfect place. Its the crossroads i was at right before i merged all of us into whats now me

when you hit rock bottom, really hit, then you'll be ready to integrate. Its not easy, but its SO worth it. and its possible.

What ever happens, i hope the best for you

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((Treehouse))))))))))))) I'm so sorry it's so hard. I hope you will be able to be aware in therapy tomorrow. I haven't found the key yet to control dissociation here, but hopefully one day. I think as we work through things and get stronger, it will happen. If I'm triggered, I'm gone. I do think I'm getting stronger though.

I see such strength in you treehouse. I think you're doing amazing and your T is amazing too. Great idea someone had about writing stuff down. I take T journal each time because I never know if I'm going to be present or not and need her to hold brain stuff sometimes. It's helpful to me to know that while I might not be present during therapy, T knows what's going on for me.

Let us know how it goes. We care.

Originally Posted by wanttoheal

I take T journal each time because I never know if I'm going to be present or not and need her to hold brain stuff sometimes. It's helpful to me to know that while I might not be present during therapy, T knows what's going on for me.

Maybe I will try this, actually. Maybe it WILL help, knowing that T knows what I need him to know and can hold it for me, even if I don't show up to tell him.

Although sometimes putting things in writing makes them SO REAL - all of those words written down - so I will have to see if I can do it. My stomach does flip flops when I think about it.

I had insomnia last night and didn't get much sleep. That probably won't work in my favor...

Thank you, WTH

[Luce]

Ummm... there are strategies that will help. For instance, communication and co-operation are what worked best for me (us).

Can you talk to teen? If not, can you talk 'at' her? (Meaning, just say aloud (or in your head, whatever) that you need to go to T tomorrow and you respect that she may too have things she wants to talk about... but there will have to be some co-operation and collaboration.) Is it possible that you go for the bulk of the time with the understanding that teen has five minutes or so somewhere in there?

I guess the conflict is... these two parts of you both have very real needs. How can you work to get BOTH of those needs met? Not either/or... that can sometimes end up in a battle (read: takeover!)

How can you work together, and both feel 'heard' in the outcome?

I /we are having a similar battle in our therapy at the moment. I want things to go one way, another part of me wants things to go in an entirely different direction. I know I have to come to some sort of compromise on that, although I really don't want to, because I really truly rooly don't want what that part wants.

I don't know how my therapy will go tomorrow either! Good luck with yours - hope you and teen manage to reach a mutually satisfying outcome!

Being you have e-mail contact with T, write to him what you need to talk about and that you REALLY need to be out--that way if you aren't out, he knows you want the session.

You could also compromise with Teen. I've had to do that more than once.
It's a 90 min session. Can you give Teen some time at the end--like the last 30 min or so? That may help to show her you don't want to compete for time, but you need some time and she can also have some.

We see T 2x week and sometimes we set up that one session is for me and the other for someone else.

Just a couple thoughts....

Thanks WI

I see T 2x/week as well. I guess I haven't quite learned how to control who is out. Teen, in particular, is SO STRONG, I feel like if she was standing next to me, she's just beat me up and take my session (and my lunch money!)

IF I can at least show up as grown up treehouse, maybe T can help me stay present. It's hard though - like WTH said - trigger = gone, usually. I guess I still have a lot of work to do...

[multipixie9]

treehouse,

i hear the word "control" a lot and i used to struggle with my others over control lots of the time. i found out i can't FORCE control on my others or that makes me kinda like the abusers. abusers forced us to do things that we did not want to do and they did not care about our wellbeing. it is possible that your others feel like you just want to squash them down and take all the T time for yourself. depending on how distressed/upset/angry...they feel the more they will resent you for imposing your will on them.

things have gone better inside with my others since i finally began to accept them, respect their needs, feelings, memories. it felt pretty weird to me the host at first, but it got easier and now it is really better for all of us to be kind to each other and stay off each others backs.

i am guessing all of us go through some measure of this kind of conflict. First we do not want to accept we even have others, then we accept they are there but we resent them for having needs or making demands that they be heard. what saved me as a kid really messes with my life as an adult. every one of my alts did what they did to keep me alive - they DESERVE my respect, compassion and help. when i stopped resenting them and made myself look through their eyes and hear their voices and experiences we became calmer, less frantic and less afraid.

sorry, brevity is not my strong point. treehouse you will get past this struggle sooner if you can accept them and start thinking co-op instead of "they" are "usurping" MY life. you can't force control on the others unless you wish them to engage in civil war with you and there is nothing "civil" about that kind of conflict.

hang in there, sweetie, it will get better. hugs,

Leslie and MY pixies

Quick update:

T and I realized at the same moment yesterday that teen is into DISTANCE. I was laying on the couch and T was in his chair and Teen was so so so so so LOUD in my head. There was no way I was going to be able to tell him what I needed to.

He came and sat with me and she retreated. And I was able to do what I needed to do in session. T made it very very very clear that she is welcome, but that others need their time too.

I guess it worked out.