[semiblond]

I had an incredibly hard day today. I just don't understand why I have been such an idiot. I went through an incredibly hard divorce last year. It literally almost killed me. I actually cut my wrists back in May last year because I hit rock bottom. I get to the end of my divorce and I ended up finding my 1st husband and get back together with him. He has also done nothing but destroy me too. I don't understand why I allow men to hurt me the way that I have. I don't understand why I am such an idiot and let men walk all over me. I don't understand why I let them do what ever and I always take them back. These two men that I allowed to have my heart have done nothing but hurt me over and over for the past 18 years. Why am I such an idiot????

[Tatyana2009]

Hello,

Just wondering - maybe you are asking the wrong question?

Instead of asking 'why am i such an idiot' etc, maybe ask - what makes me drawn to men that are not good for me? what keeps me coming back for more? what needs to change in order for me to be happy?

[semiblond]

I honestly do not know why I am drawn to the wrong men. I have asked myself over and over why I continue down the same path. I guess part of me doesn't think I deserve anything better. I have a crazy family, and I have always been too scared to introduce just anyone to them. I don't know if that is the problem or not. I have only let 2 men in to my heart and both of those men have destroyed me. I have a really low self esteem now. I gained a lot of weight due to depression over the last 7 years. I want so badly to find a man that just loves me for me......

[MomoBear]

Please darling.
Don't put yourself down like this.
There will always be that someone just for you, you just haven't found them yet.
I'm sorry to hear you have gone through so much pain. I wish I had better advice for you. Just don't lose hope, okay? *huggles*

[Tatyana2009]

What did these men do to you?

[semiblond]

Originally Posted by MomoBear

Please darling.
Don't put yourself down like this.
There will always be that someone just for you, you just haven't found them yet.
I'm sorry to hear you have gone through so much pain. I wish I had better advice for you. Just don't lose hope, okay? *huggles*

Thank you so much. I am trying not to let myself get too upset over everything and stay positive and know that someday I will have my happy ending. I sure hope so. I have been so lonely and angry and hurt for so long, it makes it really hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Especially when I know both men are happy with other woman. They both promised me the world and that they loved me heart and soul, but yet they are both happy with someone else and I sit here and just am hurt.

[semiblond]

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

What did these men do to you?

It is such a very long story. The 1st husband chose drugs over me and on the night of wedding reception he ditched me at the reception and went and got high. He showed up to the hotel we had at 5:30 in the morning with an attitude telling me that he was a few hours late excuse the f.... out of him. Needless to say, I ended up finally leaving him until 10 years later when we ran into each other. This time around, he showed me that he was finally not using drugs anymore; however, he has his baby mama that he decided to play both of us. He promised me the world all over again. He told me everything that I needed and wanted to hear. I believed all of his bull. We were together two months and I decided to move back from Wisconsin to Illinois and he moved in with me right away. Two weeks after, he started going to spend the weekends with his daughter because he told me his ex would not allow him to take his daughter to our home. Long story short I just found out that everything he was telling me he was telling her too. He was telling me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and was saying the exact same thing to her.We

The husband that my divorce was just final in December. I married him 9 months after my final split with the man I just described in the last paragraph. He talked me into having a baby with him right away. I was still really hurt from the first marriage and I jumped way to fast into this one. Jamie was arrested 5 months after we got married due to hanging around with the wrong people. They got busted for drugs and of course since he was there when it went down he also got arrested. I waited for him for 4 years and 7 months. While he was in he promised me the world of course. When he got out of prison he did not keep one solid promise that he made to me. He cheated on me, never wanted to be home, never wanted to make love, and didn't bother to care whether he spent time with his daughter or not. Our divorce took 10 months and those 10 months were some of the hardest days of my life. I loved that man with everything that I had inside of me, and he never seemed to care one bit for me except for when he was in prison. Now he is back with his ex. The skank that caused problems in my marriage from the day that Jamie and I got together. It just kills me to know they are together. I don't know how to get over that either.

I guess these are the shorter versions of the crazy things that I allowed both men to do to me. I need to be able to finally make peace with what has happened and once and for all move on with my life. I just don't know how to completely let go. I still love both men with all of my heart and I don't know how to make the love stop or go away. They both could care less on how much I am still in, or at least that is how I feel based on the things that they say to me....

semiblond, forgive yourself, learn, grow and move on.

[Tatyana2009]

Dear one,

I am so so sorry you went through all of this. It is very difficult to recover from things like that. And I say recover - because this is what you need to do. Take time, be good to yourself, be caring towards yourself and heal. Dont beat yourself about what happened. You did not ask for it and you are not to blame. You just need to remind yourself that you are worthy of good people and good deeds, that you are a good person who wants to do good for others and deserves the same.

I guess these are the shorter versions of the crazy things that I allowed both men to do to me.

I do not think that you allowed them. Maybe to an extent you did and I think that was sub concious. It more that they allowed themselves to treat another human being this way. They hurt you. Please do not take responsibility for this. They should be the ones taking the responsibility.

Having said that, I think that you probably need to work on your self esteem and perhaps codependancy issues. Are you seeing a T? If not - I recommend it.

Also - a good book to read is 'Women who love too much' by Robin Norwood. I think you will find yourself in between the lines and may find some comfort in this book, as well as some hard insights.

Some women are particularily care taking, responsible and have some issue with control. These women are more prone to be with men who are not caring, not responsible and controling. By the sound of things you fit this and your men do too.

You can recover. But this will involve hard work facing some childhood scenes and memories, belives you have about yourself and some change. I hope you are up for it! The rewards are graet! I have walked your path too and am recovering. I am so much healthier and happier now. Its been a long jurney and I can tell you, women who love too much may die if they do not recover. Its an illness. So please take time and recover. I am here for you if you need me. Hugs xxxxx