[dwoodc01]

Hello, I need advice or comfort to go forward. I have been dating this guy for about 2.5 years who is finishing up with a divorce. He has a daughter also about 11 years old and I have a son that is 8 years old. I introduced him to my son about 1 month in the relationship, and he finally introduced me to his daughter about 1 year later. On the 4 occasions he did bring her over, my son and his daughter didn't click very well. Every problem with my son or his daughter I would disscuss with him. I always encouraged that we talk to the kids to see if we could have a common ground so we could be happy. His response was that she is a divorcee child and she needs this relaxing time. I disgreeed with him and encouraged him again to talk to the kids with me. Every incident with the kids was very petty, but I believed it still needed to be addressed. He disagreed with me. Then since I didnt resolve this with his daughter and my son, my son wanted to stay at his grandmas when she was over the house. That made me very sad. I tried to encourage my son to try harder, but he refused. Several months passed till Aug 1, when I had a small finacial problem. I went to the boyfrend to ask him to help me this month and I would pay him back after the first check at my other job. He refused and said He wouldnt because I wasnt very nice to his daughter. Then he left.

My question is how can I fix this, or can it be fixed. I always went to him when there were issues that needed to be addressed but he ignored them. Then he breaks up with me. I dont understand.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello ((((dwood))))

It's sad that you are so hurt. However it's a situation in hindsight you may have seen coming? Rather than let the kids work it out themselves every issue was turned into a "family conference" and you were not a family. Kids spat when there is jealousy and you said yourself they were petty incidents.

I have a grandson and my partner has a daughter who is chronically manipulative of her father, but I was aware of it and didn't buy into it; I let him sort it out himself. She even said to him that he was "her" daddy (she's 14 nr 15), not my grandsons dad. We made it very clear that my grandson didn't want my partner as his father, but that didn't stop her agitating at every opportunity to break us up and recently she went too far and he refuses to speak to her or her mother (though he's refused to speak to the mother for over 2 years now). This played out its natural course and my partner and I are still very happy and still very together.

As far as your bf was concerned he saw something there that bothered him so he didn't introduce you to his daughter for at least a year after you introduced your son. It could well be because he knew his daughter would have broken you up much earlier.

He was probably feeling very guilty at leaving his daughter and being a part time father, and he is going to put her feelings first if she says to him "Woody doesn't like me and is always gettng me into trouble with you"...that may not be how you see it but it sure as heck how she'll see it.

I think too that he would be insulted if your son (though he has every right), didn't want to be there when she was. He will be defensive in that, that is normal behaviour, though not good behaviour.

I think you're well rid of the both of them to be honest, because a man who won't stand on his own principle rather than see that he may be being immature is not someone I would consider ready to be in a long term relationship...it could be too that his daugher is the one he uses as an excuse not to get too serious with anyone...?

I know your heart is broken but I think if he will refuse you support and help because of his daughter then there is something radically wrong and is a situation you are better off without...

I really hope you are able to heal from this quickly and move on. Maybe some time alone with your son is the ideal thing?

[shezbut]

(((dwoodc01)))

I'm sorry that you are in such pain and confusion after trying hard to build healthy relationships. It isn't an easy task to build relationships. A lot of times, people are on different levels.

To me, it sounds like you and your ex are on different levels of interest in long-term. Perhaps he misread you: thinking that you were looking build a new family; and he just wasn't/isn't ready to make a commitment like that. His fear made him overreact a bit, and push you away.

I would recommend letting go of the reins. Perhaps he will come back when he feels some freedom and thinks about you. Maybe not. Either way, you will be in a better state of mind when you accept your life the way that it is right now. It is not an easy state of mind to get into (especially in Western culture ~ always planning this and that). But it is generally easier and much happier to live through.

For example, you take each day as it comes to you. You do things that you and your son enjoy doing together, to build a happier, stronger relationship. You take the time to enjoy staring out of a window, and gazing at the moon for awhile. Little things that YOU enjoy doing by yourself, to build a sense of security and self-enjoyment. You don't always have to have the love of another to enjoy moments in life. Know what I mean??

I think that building a solid sense of who you are, and retaining some independence is a very healthy thing to aims towards. Very best wishes to you!

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I must apologise dwood,

What I was trying to say is that it's quite possible he was hoping you would survive the "trial by daughter" situation that ALL divorced fathers of girls have to go through

If the gf doesn't meet with the approval of the daughter (and in most cases she doesn't because of jealousy), then the relationship is at an end.

Maybe you could write him a letter explaining your sadness and shock at his accusation? I don't think you treated his daughter badly at all, but the doted upon daughter may have said you did because her nose was out of joint?

Wishing you well,

Rhiannon

[ZaraLee]

as for me, he is not the man you may rely on... Such situations say a lot about a person..