[mlemontree]

My boyfriend left his wife of 22 yrs. and his three teenage kids when he started seeing me a few months ago. When we first met he didn't tell me he was married, but we were crazy about each other right away. After our first official date he told me he was married but that he had been miserable in his marriage for at least ten years. He told me he'd been wanting to get out for a long, long time and that he was so unhappy in his marriage that he was turning to recreational drugs just to get by because he and his wife didn't have a physical relationship for years. He didn't want to cheat but he felt at the end of his rope and he was miserable. We talked many times and I resisted dating him and told him I didn't want to be the cause of a marriage ending. He assured me that he was going to get divorced anyway, and that he wanted very much for me to be in his life.

So we started dating and honestly fell deeply in love. It's the happiest relationship either of us has ever been in, and we give each other a lot of strength and joy. My boyfriend left his wife and got his own place, and she was ok with the separation. Then he told her about me, and ever since then his wife has been obsessed with hating me. She says she "hates" me because I am a cheater and she will do everything in her power to keep me from ever meeting or even getting near her kids. She has gone behind my boyfriend's back to his family and said horrible things about me, although she's never met me and doesn't even know my name. I understood her reaction at first, but this has been going on for three months now and instead of becoming more accepting of the situation, she is getting worse. My boyfriend is very close with his kids and wants to gradually introduce me, but she goes into a rage at the mere mention of it. He and I are talking about moving in together, but our relationship is sort of on hold because any time his kids come over I clear out. He's introduced me to most of his extended family and his friends, and I have no designs on his kids except to help him get them to their sporting events, etc., and of course I hope to someday be their friend. I do not feel it's fair for me to be bearing the brunt of my boyfriend's wife's wrath. I've been very patient the past few months, but am getting fed up. I love my boyfriend and I would never leave him, but I start to wonder if he told his wife the truth about how unhappy he had been the last ten years of their marriage. Also, he never told her how we met and how he pursued me. I've asked him about this and he says it would do no good to tell his wife about how we met because she is intent on playing a "martyr." Not sure what advice I expect from this forum... but if anyone has any ideas, please let me know. Thank you.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by mlemontree

I do not feel it's fair for me to be bearing the brunt of my boyfriend's wife's wrath.

Who would you like to bear the brunt? It sounds like maybe you'd like your boyfriend to step in and direct her anger more towards himself? The bottom line is, he cheated on his wife, so logically it does seem like she should be most angry with him, if anyone. But these things aren't logical, are they? Just try to keep lines of communication open with your boyfriend, encourage him to be honest with his wife, and don't rush meeting his kids and becoming close to them or even involved in things like transporting them to sporting events. Let the other stuff work out first before becoming too wrapped up in the kids, as that is a big source of vulnerability and fear for his wife right now (like the mama bear who will attack at any sign of danger to her cubs). After all, you've only been dating your boyfriend for a few months. I think it wise to tread carefully so soon after the break-up of a long marriage. If your boyfriend is worth it, your patience will be rewarded. In the meantime, you can get to know your boyfriend better and build and nurture your relationship. Moving in together after only 3 months in the midst of the difficult break-up of a marriage seems really fast and perhaps unwise--JMO. Do you really know him? This is a guy who cheated on his wife, and who reacted to his dissatisfaction with his marriage by taking drugs. There were other ways to handle this. I hope he is a great guy and everything works out for you two--I am just suggesting moving slowly.

Some family therapists recommend that an ex-spouse with a new partner not introduce the partner to his/her children until they have been going out 6 months or a year. This prevents the kids from having to be introduced to a series of romantic partners that don't pan out. If the spouse waits 6-12 months, then it is more likely he/she is serious about the new partner. That is just what some therapists say--don't know if it applies to your boyfriend's situation or not. (His kids are teens so maybe that would shorten the "waiting period"?)

Good luck.

[mlemontree]

Thanks for your reply, Sunrise. Over the weekend I thought about this a lot and kind of came to the same conclusions that you did here. My boyfriend asked me to meet his oldest son but I told him I want to wait. Also think I will wait on the moving in. And I thought more about his wife’s attitude… if I had children (which I don’t), I’m sure I’d feel really upset at the thought of another woman entering their lives. Regarding how he handled his marriage and the cheating… they were married for a long time and stopped having a physical relationship about 10 years ago; I guess they tried therapy and that didn’t work for them, and they have been talking about getting divorced for about three years. Yes, I guess I’d like him to reiterate to his wife that I am not the source of their breakup and remind her that they’ve been unhappy and ready to end things for a long time. He tells me he has done that and that she is just being irrational, but I only have his word to go on with that. His extended family tells me he’s very honest about things like that. Thanks again for taking the time to read about and consider my situation! Your advice does help.

Originally Posted by sunrise

Who would you like to bear the brunt? It sounds like maybe you'd like your boyfriend to step in and direct her anger more towards himself? The bottom line is, he cheated on his wife, so logically it does seem like she should be most angry with him, if anyone. But these things aren't logical, are they? Just try to keep lines of communication open with your boyfriend, encourage him to be honest with his wife, and don't rush meeting his kids and becoming close to them or even involved in things like transporting them to sporting events. Let the other stuff work out first before becoming too wrapped up in the kids, as that is a big source of vulnerability and fear for his wife right now (like the mama bear who will attack at any sign of danger to her cubs). After all, you've only been dating your boyfriend for a few months. I think it wise to tread carefully so soon after the break-up of a long marriage. If your boyfriend is worth it, your patience will be rewarded. In the meantime, you can get to know your boyfriend better and build and nurture your relationship. Moving in together after only 3 months in the midst of the difficult break-up of a marriage seems really fast and perhaps unwise--JMO. Do you really know him? This is a guy who cheated on his wife, and who reacted to his dissatisfaction with his marriage by taking drugs. There were other ways to handle this. I hope he is a great guy and everything works out for you two--I am just suggesting moving slowly.

Some family therapists recommend that an ex-spouse with a new partner not introduce the partner to his/her children until they have been going out 6 months or a year. This prevents the kids from having to be introduced to a series of romantic partners that don't pan out. If the spouse waits 6-12 months, then it is more likely he/she is serious about the new partner. That is just what some therapists say--don't know if it applies to your boyfriend's situation or not. (His kids are teens so maybe that would shorten the "waiting period"?)

Good luck.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello melanie,

Your situation is a difficult one and your bf's wife will be exactly how she wants to be and nothing could change that hon so try not to worry. Her thought pattern is that you slept with a married man. She has in her mind become the wronged one no matter what shape the marriage was in. In this case your bf is right in saying that she wants to be the martyred one in the whole scenario.

I agree with both you and sunrise that it would be a good idea to hold off on moving in. 3 months is not a long time and you honestly don't know what is going to unfold. She will tell the boys that you are the reason he left them, and will place as much hatred into them as she can, not thinking how much it harms them, only satisfying her own need for revenge. She is not thinking rationally so there is nothing you or your bf or anyone else can do to make a lick of difference where she is concerned; she will truly not listen to anyone except those who agree with her in her feelings thoughts and attitudes.

You must try not to allow it to stress you up because that would be her first aim; secondly it will be to turn her sons against you before they meet you, thirdly it will be to get the boys to act poorly towards you, and finally to break you up. She may have decided that she really does love him and wants him back; she certainly doesn't want anyone else to have him, especially not you because you are the first cause as she sees it (unreasonable thinking remember), of the marriage break up.

Your very best plan of action is to take a deep breath and release it; let it go and do not let it lodge itself anywhere in your psyche. Understand that she is a very bitter scorned woman; put yourself in her position and think about how you would feel. Then allow her the anger and pain she feels, just don't you take it on board.

No matter what state the marriage was in, she would still have some love for him and you impinged upon that marriage and that love which may have only been a comfortable situation for both of them because it's what they had been doing for years.

Bear it with dignity, because those family members you have met know for themselves who you are and what you are like, and they would appreciate themselves how happy you two are together, and how happy you have made him.

Good luck and stay strong