Talk to the Ex

I was married for 27 years divorced for 7 years. My kids keep me out of their lives. They are adults and have children. I have to call them all of the time. I am kept out of everything, I have even called my ex to ask her to ask them to call me. I think this is ridiculous. Should I tell my ex how much it hurts that I am kept out, or confront my kids. I really hate having to get my ex involved.

That sounds really really hard. Do you think your ex is putting your kids up to this? Or are they doing this on their own? If your ex is not the ringleader, I would suggest you talk with your kids without involving her. Divorce is hard on kids, even adult children. They are hurt by what happened and holding it against you. They may be misinterpreting what happened in the break-up and have come to "blame" you. Or perhaps you do have some blame and they have not forgiven you. In my own marriage of 20 years, which is over, my XH did some things that he now wishes he hadn't, things that involved our kids and helped make them very wary about him, and untrusting. He has been trying very hard to put his relationship with them back together. At first he apologized to them, and then later came to realize that it was not going to take just one apology and then be done with that, but he was going to have to say he was sorry a number of times over a period of years and make good with his actions too. The kids need to hear how much he regrets some things he did and said from the past. I'm not saying he is constantly apologizing, but it is not just one time. His relationship with our kids is worth it.

That's a long story, but I think you should just go talk to your kids. Try not to view it as "confronting" them, but as having a heart-to-heart in service of making your relationship stronger. See what is up and why they are so stand offish. Before you go, look deep inside yourself and see if perhaps you know the reason. Any foreknowledge will only help you. Good luck to you.

All I can say is keep trying. Make arrangements to see your kids along with making those phone calls. I don't know what is going on with them, but perhaps they are angry that you and your wife are now divorced. It's hard on them, no matter how old they are.

But keep making that effort. It's better than doing nothing at all. And when you do talk to them, let them know that you love them and want to see them. But I wouldn't suggest getting your ex involved in arranging anything with them.

Good luck!

If it were me I would tell my kids that I miss them and would love to be more involved in their lives. No matter what you do, keep calling them as your still the parent in the relationship. Good luck.

i've got a different spin on this...i have the same problem. i did tell my son how much i missed them-i live 30 min. away. it has not improved the situation. i have 3 grandchilren who i have not seen for a year. i choose not to visit their home due to my daughter in law. so part of this is on me but it's healthier for me to not be around her. now i just don't get in touch. my attempts to keep communication moving along falls on deaf ears and i decided why do i always have to be the one who makes contact? why have to BEG? CONCLUSION: if i was important in their lives their actions would show it. so i guess i'm not that important to them. the only time my son calls me is when his wife and children are out of state. go figure. my thoughts used to be on this...to keep the peace with wife he doesn't contact me. i used to give him leeway on this but in therapy we concluded part of this is on him. and he falls short!
so make the effort. communicate what you said here to them. then the way i see it if it falls flat...get on with your life.
sorry you are feeling the hurt as i did. it does hurt...a lot. but i realized i needed to let it go. it is what it is. i hope your outcome is better.
ps oh i'd definitely keep the ex out of this. that creates a "triangle" and is not a healthy, imho, approach for any of you to resolve this.

Helo zoocity,

I'm with Madi here; she writes with definite heartfelt words and she knows what she is talking about.

The same thing happened to me even though the marriage had been over for a number of years and I was only staying to nurse my ex through his alcoholism and his liver disease. When he became physical with me I left.

None of my children have forgiven me and I no longer see any of my grandchildren.
It tore my heart out but there is nothing I can do about it. They must make their own decisions.