[rebeldoll13]

I will be starting the divorce process.
I am afraid of what is to happen, how does one cope with that love you still have for the other person!?
He chose that we should divorce I want to work things out but I agreed to divorce since were at pretty much at the end of each others rope
tonight he's not here I miss the good part of him the good person that I saw in him on occasion.
How does one get over or cope with that love I still have yet I also have rage and anger towards him for the hurt he's caused.
What do I do? What should I do with the feeligs?

[Leed]

Hi - This is probably a good time to seek counseling so you don't make the same mistake again. But also to help you grieve for the loss of the marriage. You DO grieve, even if the marriage is a BAD one. Many of us need help getting thru the divorce, as it is a huge loss. I was divorced after 26 years - and while *I* instigated the divorce because he was mentally and psychologically abusive, it was still a lot of years to lose. Most of those years were bad - so I went to counseling and it did me a WORLD of good!

Also, you need to fully FEEL those feelings. Don't try to stuff them away because they will manifest themselves in some other way - perhaps anger or depression. If you feel like crying, then cry. If you feel like screaming, go in your bedroom and scream into a pillow!!! (I've done that LOTS) But get whatever you're feeling OUT. Just please don't murder the man. LOL

I wish you the best of luck. You may be surprised that you feel a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. It was extremely FREEING to me. But my ex was very very controlling too. Take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[rebeldoll13]

thank you for the advice on letting me feel those feeling i for sure dont want to hold anything in.

I was againts divorce but was the one in the end who wanted it as I couldnt cope with the situation any longer.

I still felt hurt and upset even grieving I would say.

Its a terrible situation to be in and the only way I survived was going for Therapy.

I really hope you choose Counselling/Therapy route it really can help you overcome this.

[sunrise]

I also recommend therapy/counseling. It really helped me get through the divorce, grieve, let out feelings, and heal. My XH and I also did about 10 sessions of couples therapy before and during the divorce to help us "uncouple." That was extremely helpful. I know it's not what would help a lot of people, but it helped us pull apart (instead of rip apart), get some closure, and learn to communicate better (comes in handy during the divorce process and for co-parenting after the divorce).

Good luck.

[Scarred Poet]

Hi, I started to reply then ran away because my situation turned out differently to what seems to be on your shoulders now. I came back to reply because no matter the result, the tools I was given still apply. The other replies urge counselling, and I emphatically agree! It is really difficult in Rural Aust. to get access to this help but I am so glad we did. The help we found allowed us to talk to each other, honour each other, understand our resentments and residual damage from our co-dependent life together. Bearing in mind that we were trying to manage mutual grief at our impending divorce, we were somehow freed to speak properly to each other, even to the point of discussing logistics; kids, finances, property settlement, how to communicate in the future, how to handle the inevitable contact at our kids future weddings etc. Once the divorce was "written as a fact" the need for blame and resentment disappeared as if by magic!
We learned that grief is cumulative and manages to remain intact and virulent if buried; much like a quiet cancer.My wife did not cause my grief or my resentment; she had no intent at all to cause this pain, and nor did I. We each manufactured our own pain and logical cause to give some reality to the intangible, shattering agony we were suffering.
The reasons, the ego, the justification became meaningless in the face of the fracture of our love together. It became simply our mistakes, misjudgement, personal fear and pattern behaviour that could now be tossed out as events leading to this decision point in our lives.
We found ourselves emotionally naked and serene; able to give gifts of recognition and thanks to each other for the life we had shared, with good intent and compassion. At this point we were free to part without hatred, regret and condemnation.
The "good parts" of a partner have as much to do with your own attitude as the "bad parts" have to do with them. In our own heads and hearts we are much better and much worse than our partners will ever see.
This has been the most profound experience of my life; it carries more weight than anything. Be kind to yourself, be compassionate but be stong; if anger is valid... then you will be angry for a while. Remember that unexpressed grief will lurk in the shadows. The sunrise is just as beautiful as it has always been and continues still.

[Mama_Dukes]

Rebelldoll13, I found that going to the library and finding books helped me deal with my first divorce. I may end up having to go through a 2nd one as I am at the end of my rope with my husband. We have issues that he refuses to deal with and he won't try counseling. He say's he did this with his ex wife and the therapist sided with her so he won't do it again. That being said your feelings of anger, pain, sadness and loneliness are normal. Divorce is tough and can make you feel like a failure even when you are not.... If he is not willing to work things out then perhaps getting some self help books and going to see a therapist for awhile isn't a bad idea. Divorce is a life event similar to death of a loved one and it is very difficult to deal with. But you will feel better, you will be ok and your life will improve for the better even if you don't feel that way!! Also a good lawyer helps but check the web for what you need to look for. Some lawyers charge more and feed on your emotions to make money. A lawyer if you can afford one will protect your interests and keep him from walking all over you while you stand there in shock....Hang in there girl!