[alangston]

I left my husband of 8 years in July. We have two children, ages 4 and 6. Things had just gotten so negative...the fighting began...we grew distant...quit talking....he became angry all the time and had very little patience for our kids - never did anything with them - I had to do it all and I work full-time and put myself through college all while trying to juggle everything by myself. I tried to talk to him about it - he never took me seriously - always said I was PMSing or said I was overreacting. I told him numerous times I was unhappy and something had to change. Nothing ever did. So finally I told him I was leaving and taking the kids with me. It blind-sided him - he said he didn't see it coming, although I've told him over and over again something had to change. It was certainly a wake-up call though. Let the real fighting begin though.....it's turned very ugly.

In the midst of me leaving, I reconnected with a friend that I haven't seen in 15 years. He was my best friend back in the day - one that I completely trusted with my life and we were very close, although we never dated. We talked about it but never did. Anyway, he lives in another state, and I've been to see him twice since my separation. It's been a nice distraction from all the drama with my husband. The thing is....I've fallen in love with this guy. I never expected it to happen so fast - all I wanted was a distraction, but now we even talk about our future together and he says he'll move states to be with me. Its definitely a commitment.

The trouble is I have severe guilt.....over not giving my marriage a second try to at least try counseling. I just said I was done. That's the person I am, though....I take and take and try to explain how I feel about things and try different things to make it work, but when I'm done, I'm done. I don't go back. I have guilt to separating my kids from their dad. They have actually taken it well....they cry for me when they are not with me, but they don't cry for him when they are with me. They are only away from me 2 days per week. I have them the rest of the week. I don't bash him in front of them, but he certainly bashes me and my daughter gets so upset when he says negative things about me to her (she tells me what he says). I've tried talking to him about it but he sees nothing wrong. I have guilt for thinking I've made this mess of my life. I have guilt knowing I'm going to have to shuffle my kids back and forth until they're old enough to drive. I have guilt knowing my kids may end up resenting me for splitting up their family. I have guilt for seeing another man and falling in love with this man so fast, although for me, the flame went out a long time ago with my husband. It just wasn't there anymore. I have so much guilt about everything and I know I'm the one who created all of it, that now I have a stomach ulcer. I can't eat right, everything hurts my stomach, my nerves are all to pieces. I can't think straight. Its just a big mess.

Where do I go from here? Do I try counseling on my own to find help on what it is I really want from life because I have no idea? Do I try to work out my failed marriage for the kids sake? I don't want to go back, but I don't want my kids to suffer because of me. If I didn't have kids, it would be a no-brainer...I would never go back. But when you have kids, everything changes. You make sacrifices for them. But I want a happy life and peace within myself too. When do you draw the line over selfishness? Am I selfish? There are so many questions.....I don't know where to begin.

Any thoughts? Anyone been in a similar situation?

[jenkins09]

I would seriously reconsider what you are doing. I doubt you are in love with this other man, besides the fact that you are still married. He came along at the right time, and he is filling a need that your husband didnt, that isnt love, its fantasy.

If you think that your kids dont miss their dad you are fooling yourself. Bringing another person into your problems wont solve them. Why not try marriage counseling? find a good therapist and try to make your marriage work. It takes TWO people to destroy a marriage. You both stopped meeting each others needs, but you cant find happiness while hurting people in the process.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello alangston,

I think you are not being selfish and please don't feel any guilt. From the things your ex-husband was saying he was a condecending chauvanist who never took you seriously from the start.

Why on earth would you feel guilty about not returning to an abusive marriage? I think you have done the right thing and if you have found love who is ANYONE to tell you not to enjoy it and to feel guilty about it? It is possible you loved this friend way before you married your ex-husband anyway.

There is not enough time in life for unhappiness, so love your way through life! I think your finding love is a wonderful thing, and I think you deserve it.

Remember too that it only takes a moment to be in love, there is only one moment we realise that we love someone.

[trixielou]

wow this is sooo much like my situation its scary. its not selfish dont feel guilt u deserve to have peace & happiness. after being in an emotionally abusive marriage for over 11 years i had it despite begging him over & over to change & have him dismiss my feelings basically the whole verbally abusive criteria. we have a 13 yr old & a 3 yr old together & it gets to the point u gotta think about u yourself & u! he made the whole divorce so nasty i have caved & am letting him come back not that i want to. dont love him anymore i hate him for not just giving me the divorce without grief along comes a guy a went to school with & over the summer while we were separated he would make it a point to walk by my house quite often not come in just walk by & have small talk & his buddy lives next door so very convenient. my husbands mom died oct 9 & i was stupid enuff to go play comforting wife. i dunno when i try to explain i dont want us anymore he guilts me with that which i know it was stupid course maybe if i hadnt i wouldve been like damned if i did damned if i didnt. while we were apart one of his buddies told him sex favors i did for drugs when we were screwed up on that stuff & he still wants to come home!!! in the meantime since my friend knows were gettin back together he never walks by anymore. its funny ya know before we split me & my friend started givin each other looks like little secret flirt signals & day before yesterday he was across the street at his buddies & he did a signal & then on my walk here they came down the alley in the truck & he did another one. i feel like im goin crazy i miss talkin to him soooo much im depressed like i just feel monotone he made me laugh like i hadnt laughed in years & was a complete gentlemen when it came to interacting with me. like he cuts everyones grass & i will always see him just walk right on into everybodys house but he would always knock on my door & wait for me to answer & never did come inside. well enuff of me u are strong & brave for raising your kids going to school working even if things dont happen with your friend it sounds like your hubby is a complete *** like mine & u deserve to get as far away from him as u can. the only thing im going on is mine drank did drugs even though im recovering alky & i finally quit the drugs. he was a very hateful man the only thing im thinkin is maybe itll be different if hes not drinkin but i doubt it because if your quitting for anyone but yourself u just end up even more ugly & resentful. i feel guilty cuz i have thoughts like i wish hed die & i would be free but then i ask God to forgive me. i dunno just feel so hopeless depressed sad i keep telling myself Gods will be done & in His time its just so upsetting