[mykidsmeantheworld]

I lost my virginity to my husband at 18 and fell pregnant with our eldest daughter who is nearly 17 about to start her final year at school. We had a another daughter, she's now 13 and has an autism spectrum disorder, high functioning but challenging behaviours diagnosed in 2009 and a 5 year old son. HB is now 37, I'm 36.

I got fed up with everything during July and stopped doing any housework (for info why, read on further) End of July I rang and made appointment with marriage counsellor (one we had been to see in 2007 & 2008). He said if I did we were done... we'd been through the same some before.... I thought he wasn't serious, as I did not see the issue as being the same... similar, but the reverse... so I made it anyway. We had two sessions. He blamed me as the reason he drank and couldn't see us being happy.

So almost 8 weeks ago (mid august) husband (HB) left to stay at his mums 'to sort his head out'. Day after our second (and turned out to be last) counselling session (though I'm still going).

Our eldest said mum, he's 37, he'll be dead in 37 years, he's just having a mid-life crisis and he'll be back... I was sort of fine with him going, I thought it was for a week while his mum was away and he's finally agree to seeing a dr. I saw him in a lot of emotional pain, and I was drained myself...

He lost his step-father in March 2010 after a 2 year battle with mesothelioma (James Hardy related, diagnosed in 2008). He lost his bio father at age 5 due to a drunk driver killing him.

Husband escalating drinking around 2008, between 2 - 4 nights per week to almost black-out point every time (spending on average $500AUD per week - would play golf and then get drunk, usually on Thurs and Sat nights, sometimes wed and fri) and I have been completing my masters degree.

Prior to 2005 I had been mis-diagnosed with anxiety and depression but was really graves disease (over-active thyroid). I was treated and we had our son, but he had a lot of resentment towards me for putting him through so much for years and in 2007 wanted me to leave and him keep the kids. We had marriage counselling and the counsellor helped us realise that the medical profession was to blame because I was no longer the erratic and emotional person I was for years and it was obvious we had to work on readjusting and communicating. I felt issues were resolved, and things were good for a while (6 months to a year). This July my levels were out and I adjusted my medication.

I believe he then had a set back in 2008 when his step-father was diagnosed. When he was drunk he would get angry and say stuff like, great I'm losing my 2nd dad - who loses two dads? - a LOT of anger - wanted to find the drunk driver and kill him etc. (Throughout our marriage he always used to say he'd die young too, just like his bio dad). I really thought he was depressed and the amount of alcohol didn't help. He knew he had a problem, but refused to see a doctor.

18 months ago I emotionally started to shut down focusing on my children and degree... hoping that when I finished university, I would be able to re-engage and get him to realise (despite telling him, especially the last 8-9 months to get help for his anger issues around death). Around July, I stopped him coming into our room when drunk due to the verbal abuse about me not keeping up with housework and not wanting to have sex with him when he was drunk. Many times in the past two years I told him how he behaved and he'd apologise. A few occasions I had to stop him from trying to drive drunk (wrestling keys from his hand). Around the time of death of his step-father he did drive home from golf club drunk about 5 times. He has always hated drunk drivers.

Anyway, 3 weeks after leaving the home, I rang one morning, instinctively, and found out he had just spent the night at another woman's house - I made him come over to talk. He started off with nothing happened, I was drunk, we might've kissed, then yeah we did kiss... said they passed out and only kissed and cuddled all night. I was pretty shocked but still believed he was telling me the truth. We hugged and I cried. He had told me they sent text messages between them (and he hates texting) things like it's hard but you'll get through it etc only since leaving the home - (when his ph bill came I checked and he had sent her one within an hour the night he left, but then within days many texts). He told me she has been a friend of his, she's 46 years old ('drinking') friend at golf club, who he has confided in that he is not happy in his marriage. (I have 5 mutual friends of hers on Facebook, and our eldest daughter has one mutual friend of hers). I made him take the rest of his clothes. He took them to his mums and hours later he came back to get kids and I asked him outright, and he finally admitted he had actually slept with her and used a condom. A few days after that he admitted (after more questioning) that he had been with her about 4 times previous to this, but not before he left the home... a few days after that I asked him, you have drunk memories of being with her before you left, don't you? He admitted he had. Maybe only twice.

HB actually slept with me the night before he went to his mums - that was the most devastating part because he has not used protection with her. I was in shock and was really angry as I've only ever been with him and I said bloody hell, if I'd known it was gonna be my last time with you I would've made damn sure I had made it a good one for me!! lol!

He did apologise for this part & I have had a blood test and thankfully all clear!

So, her husband left her last year (very messy and they hate each other, she told HB he had cheated on her with her best friend, many friends believe this didn't actually happen as best friend is still happily married), but either way, not the issue, she began sleeping with a 26 year old guy who is a golf friend of HB. She stopped sleeping with him around July as he went back to his ex.

She has told my HB that the 26 yr old was her rebound and she is now ready to settle down. HB has told me her and her ex hate each other. HB has met her children (the older two have left home and she has a 17 and 13 year old that know HB as mum's boyfriend - they go to high school with children that our daughters went to primary (or junior school) with - they go to different high schools but we live in small community and there is the potential of it getting back to the girls through mutual friends. He's been to dinner with her and her two youngest... been staying there whenever he does not have our kids.

HB is saying that he will always love me but has been unhappy for years, he did not leave me for her, has stayed for the kids and just wants to be friends.

I do believe he thinks this new relationship is genuine, but I have my doubts this will last, purely from a psychological stand-point, but as HB says he thinks it will develop into love (he has admitted he has already said it to her when drunk and feels she is his soulmate, and as he said, not that he really believes in that sort of stuff). I don't believe our kids need to know if it is not going to last!!!

Really, I can forgive and accept this (NOT to have him back as infidelity was always a deal-breaker) but for myself - I've been through too much to allow hate to set me back, I spent years hating myself and my abusers but especially in the past 5 years I can truly say I do and can forgive - Credit to OPRAH lol!!!) but what do we say to kids?? When should I allow him to introduce this to them... he wants to tell them ASAP... I think it's not a good idea and said before she meets our kids, I will meet her first. I want us to have no animosity between us, as I grew up knowing my step-mother (who died of alcoholism when I was 18) hated and was jealous of my mother who worked three jobs, never asked for child support and was happy with my step-father.

He jokingly asked our eldest yesterday if she had, 'met your mums new boyfriend yet...?' I guess to sus out how she'd react, and she said, 'yeah, I don't like the piercings but!' (Funny because the 46 year old has a nose ring and tattoo which HB has always despised). I could not believe it! He said to her he just wants me to be happy. I told my daughter I do not need a man to be happy - Jesus, I've been with your dad since I was 18, I'm not about to go looking for another one!!!

I had already informally asked eldest (the week I found out that he had stayed at this person's house), how weird would it be / or how soon before it would be weird for me or her father to be with someone else? She replied, at least a year... or not until I've finished my school (final year of study) which is only 12 months away. And for the record, I do not and would not even consider dating for AT LEAST a year anyway as I am happy and secure within myself but this has taken some wind out of my sails - as I wrote at the beginning about to embark on a new career next year and know I need to focus on my kids and myself. I have given this info to HB. His mother believes tell kids as it will be HB that will have to deal with the consequences... I need to stop protecting him! Though I think I will need to deal with the kids maybe hating their dad and I have 4 weeks left of my degree, I don't want to add this to my stress right now...

We are trying to sort out finances as well.. if we sell the house we will both be left with $100,000 AUD debt EACH but I am happy to keep house, take on more debt, as eldest is finishing school, youngest is starting school and I'm starting new career and middle child has autism (she has lifelong friends across the road - more devastated at moving over dad moving out and her psych said it's imperative she stays in the home if at all possible) - I'm trying to keep everything else as normal as possible - it is the only home the kids have ever lived in. HB said we have to sell, and middle child will have to toughen up... I said we have no equity, if we sell, I will be in debt with no security, no job yet and no house for the kids...

To anyone still reading this, THANK-YOU!!! It is the first time I have sought advice from an online community, and feel Dr Phil was the best place to ask...

Some details since the break-up have been omitted and sorry if some parts do not make sense, feel free to ask for clarification of any points.... or ask more questions....

Any and all opinions on any of the issues raised would be greatly appreciated!

My biggest concern is the kids and the impact on them and my eldest one's education if the truth is known... do we tell them, what do we tell them... do I have the right to ask them to wait to see if it fizzles - could it be a rebound thing, will it last? If it does, it would be better to wait before telling them... I'm so confused!

Again Thanks for your time!

[Raindropvampire]

I think that is the longest post I've ever read. I don't blame you though. You had a lot to get out. now prepare for the longest answer you've ever read. This is just an opinion and a humble one at that but... I would tell the kids.

If you want to wait until your schooling is finished just incase they blow up that should be fine. What I'm basing this on is personal experiences(mine and friends). I always hated it when my parents lied to me about anything. I also considered withholding truth a lie. Two of my friends were very hurt by their moms not telling them their dads were dating again. They were ticked about them dating but directed it more at their moms because of the withholding of information. One found out because a girl at school told her that her dad was out with some trailer trash *****(apparently the lady had dated her dad as well so she had hard feelings towards her) and the other friend found out when she saw her dad out on a date with his new friend. Both went home and told their moms and both blew a gasket when their moms said I know I just didn't know how to tell you. I think the sooner you can tell them the better but I can see why you don't want more stress as you finish your schooling. Also whether it lasts or fizzles the kids with have to get used to their father not being with you. It will hurt. At least it really did my one friend. She said the way she saw it her dad not only replaced her mom but their family. She said it was like he couldn't wait to be rid of them and she refused to see him anymore. You know your kids and their personalities. If it really makes you uncomfortable to tell them then don't but be prepared for fallout when they do find out. It may be they will respect why you didn't tell them and thank you for trying to protect them or they could go the other way. Unfortunately there's no way to know what course is best. I've given my opinion for what it's worth. Ultimately the decision is yours. Listen to your heart and do what you feel is best. I hope it all works out for you. Good Luck!

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hi Mykids,

Wow you have a lot going on. But there is one thing I must tell you now and that is that alcoholics don't need a reason to drink, they just invent them to give them the crutch they need to continue with the habit.

You may have your own issues there and I think you see them rather clearly, though I understand your pain and sadness as well as your anger. Your daughter is sensible and probably already knows it's over, but doesn't want to upset you or the other kids.

I think the main thing is to continue the counselling so that you don't get lost in that anger. You don't have to forgive what he has done, but maybe one day you can forgive him as a person.

It is my opinion only that he is with this woman because she enables his addiction to alochol they have that in common. Believe me that will be a volatile relationship in the end. He may even come back to you for help, if he does that is your choice as to what you choose to do.

Keep talking MeandMyKids! It is one of the most cathartic healing processes there is.

Blessings

[Leed]

It might be a good idea to tell the kids ONLY what they NEED to know soon, because otherwise they'll hear it from someone else, and that would be devastating. So if YOU tell them, they will at least hear the truth. But I wouldn't go into details -- just the bare minimum needs to be discussed.

I know this is going to be hard. If you CAN, I'd keep the house. He will need to pay you child support so that will help. Make sure you get that worked out ASAP -- and make it LEGAL. Otherwise, you have no recourse if he just stops paying.

Best of luck & God bless. I wish you the best! Hugs, Lee

[sunrise]

mykidsmeantheworld, you have a lot going on! Kudos to you for wanting to not have animosity between yourself and HB for the sake of your kids. That is absolutely the right thing to do!

Question: is HB's partner living with him?

If she is not living with him, then I do not think he should tell the kids at this time that he has a new girlfriend. I say this because I was divorced a couple of years ago and this was the advice given by my divorce coach and a child specialist who helped us with our divorce. What I would tell the kids, preferably together with HB in a family meeting, is that you and HB have decided to end the marriage--it is not just a temporary separation. Say it is hard for everyone, and that you and HB are going to do your best to still be the best parents you can, and that you both still love them very much.

As for HB's new girlfriend, he continues to see her, but the kids don't need to know at this early stage. Our coach and therapist recommended that a new partner not be introduced to children until the relationship was at least 6 months old. That ensures the kids are not introduced to a string of partners that the parents are dating casually. Even if the relationship seems serious, it can fall apart after a few months. So waiting until the pair have been together for 6 months ensures it is pretty stable. Your kids don't need more instability now, they have enough on their plate with the separation/divorce. So spare them the dating partners at this time. When your kids are staying with you, then HB can do all the dating he wants. Because of HB's drinking problem, I'm not sure he would even get joint custody with you, even if your relationship with him is amicable. I am usually a fan of joint custody but in your case, the alcohol changes things. So if the kids are mostly with you, HB should have no trouble having dates without the kids knowing for a few more months. And if his new relationship falls apart, the 6 month ticker starts again when he finds another girlfriend.

Someone mentioned withholding information from kids and how that might affect them negatively. I think it is fine to tell them that both parents are single again and may be dating. Perhaps your H can mention later he has been on some dates. But the kids do not need to know details about that, and not be introduced to the girlfriend unless the relationship endures (6 mos). I do not think kids need to know everything about the relationships and personal lives of their parents. I would focus on talking to the kids about the end of the marriage and what that means for their lives, not about new dating partners.

Originally Posted by mykidsmeantheworld

We are trying to sort out finances as well.. if we sell the house we will both be left with $100,000 AUD debt EACH but I am happy to keep house, take on more debt, as eldest is finishing school, youngest is starting school and I'm starting new career and middle child has autism (she has lifelong friends across the road - more devastated at moving over dad moving out and her psych said it's imperative she stays in the home if at all possible) - I'm trying to keep everything else as normal as possible - it is the only home the kids have ever lived in. HB said we have to sell, and middle child will have to toughen up... I said we have no equity, if we sell, I will be in debt with no security, no job yet and no house for the kids...

This is the sort of thing to work out in the divorce settlement with the help of your lawyer. If you don't sell the house, and you remain in it with your kids, HB can buy you out of his share of the house, so you won't be in such a hole with debt. Make sure you don't get bossed around by him in making these important financial decisions. You need to look out for yourself. Your lawyer can help advocate for you. Maybe you will decide to sell the house but let that be an informed decision rather than one you get pushed into when you aren't sure.