[philsbs]

Our marriage had its ups and downs like any others, but we always seemed to get through. I thought things were going good when on 12/15/09 she woke up and said she didn't want to be with me anymore. Two weeks later I was served papers, she moved out, and our final court date is in May (the soonest date possible). She said she didn't want to be responsible for me, our children, or our grandchildren, she just wanted to be responsible for herself. She was searching for things to make her happy. A new car, pool, deck, landscaping, and remodel the house, all done in the last year. It was two weeks after I got the house done she dropped the bomb. I asked why do all this and walk away? She said "I thought that it was going to make me happy". I guess divorce was next on her list. I tried everything I could think of to stay and get help but she had her mind made up. Our children don't understand, they told me she's 49 and acting like a teenager. She rarely communicates with the children (youngest is in college), when she does its text or short email (business) never calls to talk to them. They have no interest in seeing or talking to her. Why would someone leave the home we built together, 30 years of marriage, and all but abandon the children ? No emotions, no big deal for her. I know I have my faults and cannot put the blame on her, but you would think she would have at least tried. I think it could be some kind of midlife crisis. I noticed she spent a lot of time on Facebook and Classmates.com like she was trying to go back in time.
Meanwhile I'm 52 and my whole life fell apart. On top of the divorce I lost my 42 year old brother to brain cancer last year. I'm trying to keep it together for my children and grandchildren but I can't believe the pain. You never really understand the pain of divorce until you go through it. They say it gets better, but they don't say it gets worse too. Just when you think things are getting better you fall back to a new low. I really miss not having someone to share my life with and I can't imagine dating at my age. Is there hope?

[January]

I am so sorry for the pain you and your family are enduring. As a divorced person of some years, I can tell you that you are right. It gets better and it gets worse, but slowly, over time, the good days outnumber the bad ones.

You may never fully understand your wife's decisions and in my case, the pain has never fully gone away. Hold tight to your children, grandchildren and friends. Don't isolate yourself. You do need time alone, but don't shut out the world. When we are wounded so deeply, it's a knee-jerk reaction to withdraw into yourself.

I wish you and your family the very best.

Jan

[jenkins09]

If you love her and want your marriage to work dont give up. I am speculating, but she didnt just wake up one day and decide its over. If you do your homework and look at her phone records, who she is texting, e-mailing, you will probably find out she is having an affair.

If you want your wife you will have to fight for your marriage. If you PM me I can send you some info that can help you out.

[cantstopcrying]

Originally Posted by philsbs

I think it could be some kind of midlife crisis. I noticed she spent a lot of time on Facebook and Classmates.com like she was trying to go back in time.
Meanwhile I'm 52 and my whole life fell apart. On top of the divorce I lost my 42 year old brother to brain cancer last year. I'm trying to keep it together for my children and grandchildren but I can't believe the pain. You never really understand the pain of divorce until you go through it. They say it gets better, but they don't say it gets worse too. Just when you think things are getting better you fall back to a new low. I really miss not having someone to share my life with and I can't imagine dating at my age. Is there hope?

As wonderful as the internet is for some things (look at us on pc), facebook and classmates and such really trigger things in people, trying to go back to the past, find things they enjoyed when they were young, things they may have missed. It sounds like she--and you--were married young...it's possible she is regretting "missing" things by being married so young while not realizing everything she had. I am so sorry for your pain...you're right, they don't say it will get worse...and it does. If you thought your marriage had ups and downs, I'm sorry to say that divorce is even more of a rollercoaster--at least for me it was. You think you can pull through, then it hits you. But you can pull through. While it's normal to wonder why, to wonder how she could do it, that is something that you most likely won't know. One thing you do need to do is to take care of yourself. Be there for your kids and grandkids, but be there for you! Having someone to share your life with, even when it isn't all good, is what I missed, too. Don't think that you'll be alone forever...forever is a long time. Take some of that time to heal, to take care of you.

[LaCaBe]

I feel like I'm a shadow of Tipper Gore today... married her high schools sweetheart, and 40 years later, 40 years of the same person, forty years of hurts and betrayals that have festered and consumed a relationship, 40 years of why didn't we cut our losses and just face the aweful truth. Both children of alcoholics, but he would never look at his demons or allow his pain to surface. I did. I went back to school to learn more about what makes me tick, what mental implants create or cause reactions. I use to think he was my savior who saved me from a grim aweful alcoholic home, and never thought to question or ask if his decisions in our life were right or wrong or if I had a say. I remember so well when he asked me.... when did you change? I was such a scared emotionally stunted child when we married. He was my rock and my world no different than being a toddler that thought parents are gods... until you start asking questions or things don't equal up to what pedogodgy they wanted us to believe. Leaving us with babysitters to party and drink, telling us we couldn't afford clothes, but they looked like the Kennedy's.... it wasn't long before my high school sweet heart started sounding a bit like he didn't really have all the answers, but what he decided and what he wanted was the way it was going to be. I didn't question. I think I know why men didn't want women to get educations or vote a century ago... it makes you look at the world, analyze, seek truth, and that might undermine authority in the home, in the marketplace, in the world. We've come far as women, so why are there so many physically and emotionally battered women? I have not been a prize either raped just months before our wedding, the beginning of one resentment harbored for years, the virgin taken from him. Then education ignited seeking of self or was it seeking of self that sought education? I don't know, but I know my world changed. I discovered I wasn't the retarded (educationally challenged) child of my youth, but it took reaching my 40th birthday to get there, to find out my parents were insane to let schools system document and replicate through each grade an IQ of someone who could not learn much less feed themself, yet not an arguement from them. I was 25 when I discovered that I was dyslexic and capable of learning, just a different way. I became a voracious reader, seeker but the perfectionist of the dyslexic was already a fierce survivor and competitor. If I couldn't be competent in school, I could do anything I watched being done hands on to perfection. That's how a teacher discovered my learning disablity and gave me a failed test orally. The beginning of mastering class and homework and grades. I graduated at 40 magna cum... and started loosing the man I married. He started treating my like I watched him treat his mother. No wonder she was always angry and frustrated with him. He never called her, never sent a card, she *****ed if he did, so he didn't call, write or visit. Occasionally we'd travel back home for a reunion, and she snubbed him, so the cycle intensified, until she was nearly 90 and in a rest home and fell and we were called to come home. He agreed with his siblings, morphine overdose. Of course there is more to that, but I know that she was trying to tell them that she did not want them to let her die because she had stipulated no tubes in her living will. Not one sibling was a college grad, it was no tubes, that's what she wants... at her age lets make it easy... morphine.... it took her 28 or more minutes to drown in her own fluids. It took me one day after to sucumb to the worst fear and depression since my hysterecomy.... and pills looked so easy. Then I was in a hospital forced to repent within the very pages of my studies.....psychiatric care.... and a wake up call to who was this man I married? He already makes decisions whether I disagreed or not, what if I were in her state? I found out. I left him after that, after a month of outpatient group gave me the insight that no one is worth giving up your life or independence for, certainly not your life. But, like a battered woman, he was charming and so like the boy I remembered after I had my own apartment and could say yes or no if I wanted to. The years are both emotional and physical, I started slapping his face, he'd thown me to the ground and hold me down until I hyperventilated or screamed myself into hysterical crying. If I screamed or cried as a child, the outcome was the same, and I married it. It was all fine if I was quiet and dutiful, as a child, and as a wife, but if I individuated, questioned, even acted out, it was fair game for punishment... disipline was not factored in catholic schools or homes, punishment was the yardstick, as became the mirror of my marriage. But I saw it all go up in flames this memorial day weekend. In my youth, the boat was our safe haven where the grownups got drunk and we somehow kept outselves from drowning unattended. I was a girl, not allowed to sail, or take the wheel, or even the handle of a 15 hp dory outboard moter. So, I bought my own boat, a nice boat, a cabin cruiser, and who knew a dyslexic would remember every move, every manuver she watched for years. Twin engines.... I was finally the captain of my world. Men would get up from their seats, guard their hulls or pilings convinced I was going to nail that sucker into their boat or dock or gas tanks. I piloted alone, no mate, no crew, my dog at my right side, first mate on my helm.... some women, more satisfying their husbands, would utter, nice job captain. Often a guest would answer, your the captain, we go where you want, you say who gets a fender or a line and port or starboard we bring her in. This weekend, the man who should have my back, my first mate, my mate.... growled and snarled, "you think you are the boss, controlling me,,,, no he never wanted to learn how to handle the boat, so funny how men call them single screw or twin screws... just seems funny to me.... but I watched him, the man who refused to take boat safety, or respect why there is a captain at all on a vessel. It was like watching our marriage play out... a marriage works when captain, first mate and crew (children) work together, have each others back, the captain and first mate interchangable, equal if not agreeable to the direction, safety of vessel and crew above all else. He would not lift a finger to grab a line or secure a fender, he just spewed at me and drank his beer, then another, and another. Once back at home port, the anger swelled in me so great that I decked him right in the jaw the first nasty control freak remark out of his mouth. He called me a ****. I word more despicable than any other language that I can even see clear to say much less type. 40 years flashed before me, no surprises, nothing that wasn't written on the wall time and time again, just a finality that felt as empty as childlessness, as empty as the words "love you too, let me call you in the morning, it's late.... " after not hearing from him all day... empty like the promises to go on vacation but always finding a project that had to be done that was more important than re-connecting, rejuvinating, remaking what couple's let fall between the cracks. Cracks become major foundation issues, and then the dam breaks.... and ours did. So if you are reading and wondering how four decades could just end.... really ask yourself how well or not you may or may not watched the signs, tied to shore up what was beginning to crumble. Abuse is abuse no matter who does the bidding. I slugged him. Mortal wound. He called me the unfathomable. Moral wound. We let our marriage die. We are both to blame. I'm nearly disabled, 59; how will I live, work, where do I go after the courts dissove our marriage? Will I ever know mature unconditional love? Am I even lovable. Some old sailor might think where did god keep you all these years is in my heart one second and bag lady the next. George Clooney and his up in the air speeches about back packs and less is best.... No, Tipper has nothing to worry about but has the same amount of memories to wade through and let go of, money and children and grandchildren to keep her feeling wanted and needed.... I have to learn to captain my own boat, myself, alone, no wheel, no rudder, no mates, no crew. I hope there is a wind in my life, in my future. I see a bit clearer from the last deep unrelenting depression. I know to combine pills and lots of alcohol like the celebrity's have done if I can't see my way out... I hope there is out, and there really is a whole new world... or am I naive, life really is a grim tale for woman over 40.... oh what I'd give to have come to this end at 40....

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Phil,

It's disgusting to think that someone would encourage you to snoop on your wifes phone records etc...urging you to dishonesty is not a good way to deal with your situation.

And while you are in such a vulnerable position please do not allow yourself to be cornered and caught in a religious net which is intent on witnessing to you and making sure you become religious yourself by making you reliant on church and religion.

I am really sad for you, and the way your wife left is not kind or considerate, that is for sure. In my opinion, I believe she is not having contact not because she wants to have no responsibility, but because she is feeling a lot of guilt about the way she has left. And she would know that her children don't really wan't to be talking to her at the moment.

I would also be surprised if she doesn't make overtures to reconcile, as people who leave this way are not thinking rationally when the make the decision. She will in time, return her thoughts to what she has left behind, what she has effectively lost. If this does happen, it is up to you alone to decide if you want her back.

As you pointed out it appears to be a mid life crisis; it is normally men who up and leave this way, dye their hair and buy a sports car...chase younger women etc...

I hope you know that you can rely on us here to support you from a position of the simple desire to help, not to try to make you turn to religion to make everything better,

RHiannon

[0911]

In Response to your situation and to others comments to you, I have some personal information to share. I believe your wife is having and affair, either emotional and/or sexual. It happens. Yes even after 30 years of marriage. High school reunions can bring up old memories or "what if" questions that have laid dormant for decades. With the children gone from the house, her focus is not on them as the 24 hour care-giver anymore, a new sense of freedom and focus on her own life's satisfaction, including her marriage,especially her sexual and intimate side of her health, that these things can happen. I would say there probably was something lacking between the two of you over the years. i would guess it might have been the intimate vulnerable connection via love-making that had not occurred. A woman needs to feel that her lover/husband will fight for her, give his heart to her, let her see his most vulnerable side, stand by her, love her, protect her. The two of you needed to feel that connection together that no one can describe until you experience together. I suggest you get some good reading material, see a counselor, and focus on what makes a woman lust over her man, if you want to get her back. Get some help soon!! Let her know you are getting help and trying to find out why you lost her. If you put the focus on you, she will not get defensive, and be more receptive to listening to your ideas when that point comes. If she is having a sexual affair with someone she considered a respectful person in high school, even if they didn't date, you have your work cut out for you. That bond never goes away if there was mutual respect. REconnections like this, especially if he really knows, understands, and is good at knowing how to connect with a woman during lovemakeing...I'll just say it could be the most incredible experience she could encounter. So much so, that it made her leave her life behind. Different hormones are released during affair sex, but additionally, her connection from the past with this person makes it different than a random affair. The only hope for you is to seek professional counseling soon!!!!! READ, LEARN, be honest with yourself, and go after her!!!! Hopefully she will consent to going to counseling and reading and learning herself on what just happened to her in the past year. Remember men and women think totally differently. Our brains are different. Neither is better or worse than the other. BUT we need to learn about the other sex, how they think, interpret things, desire love, etc. to understand what it takes to keep a marriage together. She needs to learn too. I'm sure you have things that have frustrated you over the years about her. It is a two way street, but you have to take the lead and show her how its done. Sometimes, people can love each other, though, but can't live together. Hopefully that is not the case with the two of you. The biggest thing you might encounter is hatred, jealousy, etc towards this other man. This will be a turn off for her. Talk with your counselor about this. Good Luck! You know it's the best investment and education you can give yourself. And hopefully you will be together again. If not, there is a very lucky woman out there waiting to meet you. Good Luck Sir!

[bobbi416]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

Hello Phil,

It's disgusting to think that someone would encourage you to snoop on your wifes phone records etc...urging you to dishonesty is not a good way to deal with your situation.

And while you are in such a vulnerable position please do not allow yourself to be cornered and caught in a religious net which is intent on witnessing to you and making sure you become religious yourself by making you reliant on church and religion.

I am really sad for you, and the way your wife left is not kind or considerate, that is for sure. In my opinion, I believe she is not having contact not because she wants to have no responsibility, but because she is feeling a lot of guilt about the way she has left. And she would know that her children don't really wan't to be talking to her at the moment.

I would also be surprised if she doesn't make overtures to reconcile, as people who leave this way are not thinking rationally when the make the decision. She will in time, return her thoughts to what she has left behind, what she has effectively lost. If this does happen, it is up to you alone to decide if you want her back.

As you pointed out it appears to be a mid life crisis; it is normally men who up and leave this way, dye their hair and buy a sports car...chase younger women etc...

I hope you know that you can rely on us here to support you from a position of the simple desire to help, not to try to make you turn to religion to make everything better,

RHiannon

Very Well Said Rhian,

Phil... I'm not going to throw in my 2 cents in only because I am bitter at the moment and it wouldn't do you any good. Just one thing, there has to be more to it than you said, you really need sit and think things over for your self, your own sanity and figure it out. Good Luck, and take care of YOU!

[NuckingFutz]

Even though this thread is one of the best I have ever read, but I fear Phil is long gone.

[beatbyadifferdrum]

As a woman who on the verge of leaving her hubby of 29 years I would like to share a couple of things.
For 29 years I have come last in his life. Our wedding vows read I take you, your jeep, and you dog. I did not have a car for the first 3 years. I hitchhiked to and from work for the first 2 years. I was the major bread winner for the first 20 years. I never knew what the bills were, I never had spending money, I was not allowed access to checking accounts. I was refered to as his wife the kids mom. I put him though college.
He drives a 60k tricked out dodge truck. He has a rock crawler jeep that set us back over 50k. Our grown son has a jeep set up that hubby spent over 40k building.
All the while I have little. We broke ground last month on a 60k 2 bay garage for him. While I have a dishwasher that is held up by a can. Holes the size of footballs in the kitchen. Missing doors and drawers. Carpet that is ducttaped to the floor and no window covers.... for the last 15 years. The look of the home from the outside is great. His man den set us back 40k last year. But nothing has been allowed for the working part of the house. Now that I am considering leaving he want to do those things maybe next year or the year after because there are some jeep trips he wants to take next year. Trips that I am not invited. Man trips. In the last 5 years our income has been above the 200,000 a year mark. And all the while I am aloted 1 tank of gas a week. Keep in mind we live 22 miles out of town.
To little to late. Look inside yourself and ask for the last 30 years did you put her first in your life or at least a close 2end? Where her emotional needs as important as yours?

[beatbyadifferdrum]

Originally Posted by 0911

In Response to your situation and to others comments to you, I have some personal information to share. I believe your wife is having and affair, either emotional and/or sexual. It happens. Yes even after 30 years of marriage. High school reunions can bring up old memories or "what if" questions that have laid dormant for decades. With the children gone from the house, her focus is not on them as the 24 hour care-giver anymore, a new sense of freedom and focus on her own life's satisfaction, including her marriage,especially her sexual and intimate side of her health, that these things can happen. I would say there probably was something lacking between the two of you over the years. i would guess it might have been the intimate vulnerable connection via love-making that had not occurred. A woman needs to feel that her lover/husband will fight for her, give his heart to her, let her see his most vulnerable side, stand by her, love her, protect her. The two of you needed to feel that connection together that no one can describe until you experience together. I suggest you get some good reading material, see a counselor, and focus on what makes a woman lust over her man, if you want to get her back. Get some help soon!! Let her know you are getting help and trying to find out why you lost her. If you put the focus on you, she will not get defensive, and be more receptive to listening to your ideas when that point comes. If she is having a sexual affair with someone she considered a respectful person in high school, even if they didn't date, you have your work cut out for you. That bond never goes away if there was mutual respect. REconnections like this, especially if he really knows, understands, and is good at knowing how to connect with a woman during lovemakeing...I'll just say it could be the most incredible experience she could encounter. So much so, that it made her leave her life behind. Different hormones are released during affair sex, but additionally, her connection from the past with this person makes it different than a random affair. The only hope for you is to seek professional counseling soon!!!!! READ, LEARN, be honest with yourself, and go after her!!!! Hopefully she will consent to going to counseling and reading and learning herself on what just happened to her in the past year. Remember men and women think totally differently. Our brains are different. Neither is better or worse than the other. BUT we need to learn about the other sex, how they think, interpret things, desire love, etc. to understand what it takes to keep a marriage together. She needs to learn too. I'm sure you have things that have frustrated you over the years about her. It is a two way street, but you have to take the lead and show her how its done. Sometimes, people can love each other, though, but can't live together. Hopefully that is not the case with the two of you. The biggest thing you might encounter is hatred, jealousy, etc towards this other man. This will be a turn off for her. Talk with your counselor about this. Good Luck! You know it's the best investment and education you can give yourself. And hopefully you will be together again. If not, there is a very lucky woman out there waiting to meet you. Good Luck Sir!

I would have an affair if I thought that person would fix my dishwasher problem of the last 15 years.

[luvsthebeach]

Originally Posted by beatbyadifferdrum

As a woman who on the verge of leaving her hubby of 29 years I would like to share a couple of things.
For 29 years I have come last in his life. Our wedding vows read I take you, your jeep, and you dog. I did not have a car for the first 3 years. I hitchhiked to and from work for the first 2 years. I was the major bread winner for the first 20 years. I never knew what the bills were, I never had spending money, I was not allowed access to checking accounts. I was refered to as his wife the kids mom. I put him though college.
He drives a 60k tricked out dodge truck. He has a rock crawler jeep that set us back over 50k. Our grown son has a jeep set up that hubby spent over 40k building.
All the while I have little. We broke ground last month on a 60k 2 bay garage for him. While I have a dishwasher that is held up by a can. Holes the size of footballs in the kitchen. Missing doors and drawers. Carpet that is ducttaped to the floor and no window covers.... for the last 15 years. The look of the home from the outside is great. His man den set us back 40k last year. But nothing has been allowed for the working part of the house. Now that I am considering leaving he want to do those things maybe next year or the year after because there are some jeep trips he wants to take next year. Trips that I am not invited. Man trips. In the last 5 years our income has been above the 200,000 a year mark. And all the while I am aloted 1 tank of gas a week. Keep in mind we live 22 miles out of town.
To little to late. Look inside yourself and ask for the last 30 years did you put her first in your life or at least a close 2end? Where her emotional needs as important as yours?

My mom married a guy similar to that. He was very selfish and drank and always had time for his own hobbies, but not us. I had to fetch his beers and actually got taken to taverns in the 60's and fell asleep at the bar while she worked 2nd shift. I saw him threaten her and keep her broke. She divorced him after 10 yrs. when I was a teenager. He never paid a nickel of support. Then a few years later she took him back. Big mistake. He cheated on her while she had cancer - he never changed. She regretted taking him back. She died at my house, while I took care of her. He kept all the most important belongings of her and his new gf (now wife) said they should burn it all. My dad was very toxic and selfish. I'm just saying that if you decide on a divorce, protect yourself and get a very good lawyer.

[heymoe]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

Hello Phil,

It's disgusting to think that someone would encourage you to snoop on your wifes phone records etc...urging you to dishonesty is not a good way to deal with your situation.

And while you are in such a vulnerable position please do not allow yourself to be cornered and caught in a religious net which is intent on witnessing to you and making sure you become religious yourself by making you reliant on church and religion.

I am really sad for you, and the way your wife left is not kind or considerate, that is for sure. In my opinion, I believe she is not having contact not because she wants to have no responsibility, but because she is feeling a lot of guilt about the way she has left. And she would know that her children don't really wan't to be talking to her at the moment.

I would also be surprised if she doesn't make overtures to reconcile, as people who leave this way are not thinking rationally when the make the decision. She will in time, return her thoughts to what she has left behind, what she has effectively lost. If this does happen, it is up to you alone to decide if you want her back.

As you pointed out it appears to be a mid life crisis; it is normally men who up and leave this way, dye their hair and buy a sports car...chase younger women etc...

I hope you know that you can rely on us here to support you from a position of the simple desire to help, not to try to make you turn to religion to make everything better,

RHiannon

question why is it so bad to check the emails and phone records after something like this. I am going through a very similar situation and after I knew my husband lied to me I did check up on him. I needed to know just how big a fool he was making of me. We shared an email account for most of our marriage. He started watching a lot of porn then he got his own email acc't. He said it was because I was getting so much junk mail but I know it was because of the porn I had told him that the children use the computer and he shouldn't be getting that stuff sent to us. He stopped by getting his own email. The porn didn't bother me much it wasn't real but when he started finding old girlfriends on fb and calling them taking it off the computer that's when I lost it.

[rsk1691]

Originally Posted by 0911

In Response to your situation and to others comments to you, I have some personal information to share. I believe your wife is having and affair, either emotional and/or sexual. It happens. Yes even after 30 years of marriage. High school reunions can bring up old memories or "what if" questions that have laid dormant for decades. With the children gone from the house, her focus is not on them as the 24 hour care-giver anymore, a new sense of freedom and focus on her own life's satisfaction, including her marriage,especially her sexual and intimate side of her health, that these things can happen. I would say there probably was something lacking between the two of you over the years. i would guess it might have been the intimate vulnerable connection via love-making that had not occurred. A woman needs to feel that her lover/husband will fight for her, give his heart to her, let her see his most vulnerable side, stand by her, love her, protect her. The two of you needed to feel that connection together that no one can describe until you experience together. I suggest you get some good reading material, see a counselor, and focus on what makes a woman lust over her man, if you want to get her back. Get some help soon!! Let her know you are getting help and trying to find out why you lost her. If you put the focus on you, she will not get defensive, and be more receptive to listening to your ideas when that point comes. If she is having a sexual affair with someone she considered a respectful person in high school, even if they didn't date, you have your work cut out for you. That bond never goes away if there was mutual respect. REconnections like this, especially if he really knows, understands, and is good at knowing how to connect with a woman during lovemakeing...I'll just say it could be the most incredible experience she could encounter. So much so, that it made her leave her life behind. Different hormones are released during affair sex, but additionally, her connection from the past with this person makes it different than a random affair. The only hope for you is to seek professional counseling soon!!!!! READ, LEARN, be honest with yourself, and go after her!!!! Hopefully she will consent to going to counseling and reading and learning herself on what just happened to her in the past year. Remember men and women think totally differently. Our brains are different. Neither is better or worse than the other. BUT we need to learn about the other sex, how they think, interpret things, desire love, etc. to understand what it takes to keep a marriage together. She needs to learn too. I'm sure you have things that have frustrated you over the years about her. It is a two way street, but you have to take the lead and show her how its done. Sometimes, people can love each other, though, but can't live together. Hopefully that is not the case with the two of you. The biggest thing you might encounter is hatred, jealousy, etc towards this other man. This will be a turn off for her. Talk with your counselor about this. Good Luck! You know it's the best investment and education you can give yourself. And hopefully you will be together again. If not, there is a very lucky woman out there waiting to meet you. Good Luck Sir!

Everything in this above post is correct and I know that because I am a 50 year old woman married 25 years, in this same situation and have never had anyone describe it so exactly as this. I was having an emotional (not sexual) affair with an old boyfriend and yes the bond is very strong..the chance to have a "do over" in life was something I could not let pass by. BUT.....the reason this old friend had so much pull on my emotions was because things were not all rainbows & unicorns in my 25 year marriage. Although we dated for several years before getting married, we married only when I became pregnant. He has fostered ill will towards me for that pregnancy plus the two that came after that. Although he has been a wonderful father he still does not "love me"...never has. When I found this old friend, I was in an emotionally vunerable state..not an excuse for doing what I did..I take complete blame for the hurt I caused my husband when he found out about the relationship, but it generally takes two to make or break a relationship. We are now in couples therapy. Will it work? I have no idea. The old boyfriend is no longer in the picture but he woke up a part of me that I didn't know I had. I now do not want to just settle for my bad marriage because we have been in it for 25 years. I am willing to go to therapy, take blame for my actions and fix my problems but in return I would like a partner who loves me unconditionally....that is with me because he WANTS to be with me not because he feels like he is trapped. I do not feel that is too much to ask. He doesn't understand this as it is different than I have ever been. He doesn't know why I need things to be different now. I feel for this gentleman & his wife. I think that she is probably terribly confused right now....not knowing what she wants...and I feel for this man because I have seen the hurt I have caused my husband when he learned of my inappropriate relationship. I would suggest counseling but only the two of you can make that call.
My best to you.

[onawa]

Sometimes relationships just end. For no apparent reason. Mine did after 18 yrs. Neither of us were cheating. People grow apart. I was thankful for the 18 yrs. Now I'm thankful for being ME they say a relationship is for a reason a seaon or a lifetime. Well sometimes the lifetime is ONLY 18 yrs or 30 year.

[idget]

Originally Posted by onawa

Sometimes relationships just end. For no apparent reason. Mine did after 18 yrs. Neither of us were cheating. People grow apart. I was thankful for the 18 yrs. Now I'm thankful for being ME they say a relationship is for a reason a seaon or a lifetime. Well sometimes the lifetime is ONLY 18 yrs or 30 year.

Onawa -

Thank you for this. I realize Phil may not follow this thread at all, since his post was in April and this is October, but there are other Phils out there, and they need to know that relationships have lifespans like every other living thing. Sometimes the relationship dies before the culture says it "should", but they die for a reason, and trying to keep them together for any reason other than a mutual desire to grow together in life is a much worse choice (in my opinion) than letting the relationship go, and honoring it, as you seem to intuit.

btw, I am thankful for YOU, too.

Thanks again ~ Idget

[jenkins09]

Originally Posted by heymoe

question why is it so bad to check the emails and phone records after something like this. I am going through a very similar situation and after I knew my husband lied to me I did check up on him. I needed to know just how big a fool he was making of me. We shared an email account for most of our marriage. He started watching a lot of porn then he got his own email acc't. He said it was because I was getting so much junk mail but I know it was because of the porn I had told him that the children use the computer and he shouldn't be getting that stuff sent to us. He stopped by getting his own email. The porn didn't bother me much it wasn't real but when he started finding old girlfriends on fb and calling them taking it off the computer that's when I lost it.

To each his own, but IMO there is nothing wrong with doing this. Its not deceptive, its being smart, and finding out if your spouse is up to something. Excluding ones own insecurities, where there is smoke there is fire. For the safety and sanity of oneself, I think this is totally okay.

This thread makes me cry cause it is all so sad and makes me think so many things as I am about to leave husband after 21 years. I am sad for him...for me...for you all...for my children....for the pain.Just dam sorry all around.WO.olf

[LookingforCalm]

Awww, I so feel for you. That's horrible!

But you really need to mourn the loss of your wife before you get out there and start dating again. I would imagine that right now you are lonely, and that's the wrong time to be dating. Been there, done that!

It does get better. And it is tough. I'm divorced too, and sometimes the loneliness gets to me, but I have to keep on. I feel for you and your family. That's amazing that she walked away from everything.

Dating is hard, and can sometimes really suck. But when you are ready, you will know. But right now, newly divorced and still in pain is not the time to even look for someone. Focus on yourself and do things you would like to enjoy.

I wish you the best!

[Glimmerofhope]

[ sfind out if she is bi polar ?? or a midlife crisis , there is always hope , never ever ever give up u will get better xx

[Sjimstrat]

My heart goes out to you, my friend. I have very similar problems right now. My heart is broken also. My problem is that I think everyone should be fair and honest, you know, provide transparency in relationships. And the problem is most people (my experience) will lie to you. No woman is going to be 100% truthful (my experience). I have to change the type of women I become involved with. And so, the pain and the hurt you are going through will subside in time. Meanwhile, you have to tough it out, nobody can "take" the pain from you except your belief in a spiritual being.
Life goes on, the sun comes up, the birds sing, the mortgage becomes due, and you have to contend with heartache and pain. It's a big plate to contend with. No easy answers. Call family, call friends, and talk. Post messages here.

[philsbs]

Wow I can't believe I found this. Its been a year and a half since I started this and I don't even remember posting on here. Thank you for all the responses. Just a update, my ex wife was involved with a man from work, moved in with him shortly after the divorce and they are now married. She is better with the children, actually she has moved on as though nothing ever happened. I haven't had any communication with her but I hear bits and pieces from the kids. Time is helping, along with my faith and good friends, but I still have a way go. I came to this forum looking for help on depression and found this post. Thanks again to all who posted. Maybe I will be able to help someone else going through this.