[LoveOneAnother]

My husband's boys (ages 16, 22, 24) are making my husband choose between me (new wife of 3 years) or them. (I have never met his boys nor talked with them-out of respect for their feelings and hoping in time they change their minds and welcome me) My husband is torn because his boys are now having major emotional issues (one is on drugs) and if he chooses me, he has to live with the guilt of not being there for them because they will disown him. If he chooses them, he lives with leaving the woman he loves and wants to grow old with. What should he do? Who comes first? Children? Wife? Are their steps to fix this so he can have the best of both worlds?

[Leed]

They have ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to make their father do this. This is cruel and heartless, and if the father lets his boys get away with this he's nuts.

What really should happen is family counseling. That is the only way this is going to get resolved amicably. A third party must be a mediator and find a way to resolve this issue to both party's agreement. But the Dad had better come out on top with his wife, cause these kids are being BRATS and they're old enough to know better. They must have been ultra spoiled their whole lives to come up with this kind of crap at their ages.
And the father is a WIMP to even have to WONDER what to do!!! I can't believe he can't figure this out on his own. Sheeesh.

[LoveOneAnother]

I totally understand your frustrations Leed.

I get no say in this and it is frustrating for me beyond all imagination. I love my husband and work very hard to show respect and unconditional love. He is learning to do the same. I will NOT be a nag and will not do something negative to give him an "easy way out." If my husband leaves me for the kids, it will NOT be because of me!! I am a wonderful wife and he says that all the time also says he has guilt because I deserve better than him. All I can think to do is to continue to cheerlead him on in positive steps. But I need to get some steps/suggestions from others and try different ideas. I feel so hurt by my husband but I am swallowing my hurt so he can make progress. (which is causing me to have MAJOR anxiety) His boys will not go to counseling so that is out. You hit the nail on the head about his boys being spoiled and acting like brats. My husband is just realizing how bad he messed up in raising them. Guilt is a huge factor here. It wasn't until he met me and my "normal" family (I have 2 kids that accepted my re-marriage) to realize that families aren't supposed to act like his. How do we stop this madness?? Any more suggestions?? Please help!

[kindachaotic]

If your husband would agree to "couples" therapy, that is best.
If not, get into therapy by yourself, for yourself.

His boys are old enough to deal with this.
If your husband gives in to them, he isn't the man you thought he was.
A decision does NOT need to linger here.
You have your kids to consider as well.

Wishing you the best.

[LoveOneAnother]

Thanks Kindachaotic!

I got my husband to talk to a counselor. But I wasn't invited to attend. The first meeting was just information gathering. However, my husband said he was told that children come first and that he better do everything possible to fix it with them.

So.... I am kinda confused. Can't a couple have the best of both worlds? Stay married and fix the kids?? Why do I have to be thrown away? It just caused me more anxiety. Maybe it is the right advice but I guess I wasn't prepared to hear that.

I have made an appointment for me to see a therapist. I had no idea where to call for help but I guess anywhere is better than no where, right?

I sure hope I can prepare my heart for whatever answers come. It is hard to love someone so much and not be loved back the same.

Thanks for the advice to get counseling. I will try that. If anyone has been through something similar to this and would want to give me advice on what worked for them, I am all ears.

[Caretaker Leo]

Originally Posted by LoveOneAnother

My husband's boys (ages 16, 22, 24) are making my husband choose between me (new wife of 3 years) or them. (I have never met his boys nor talked with them-out of respect for their feelings and hoping in time they change their minds and welcome me) My husband is torn because his boys are now having major emotional issues (one is on drugs) and if he chooses me, he has to live with the guilt of not being there for them because they will disown him. If he chooses them, he lives with leaving the woman he loves and wants to grow old with. What should he do? Who comes first? Children? Wife? Are their steps to fix this so he can have the best of both worlds?

Please help me understand. You have been married for 3 years and have NEVER met his boys?

[bebop]

well not sure how I would react to that kind of ultimatum. it is a tough one for sure...His kids are grown men. or suppose to be anyway...I told my children that use to cause me so much grief when I started dating after a divorce that they would not always be around and I needed to be happy. mind you they were under teen years, but at least it helped. I really don't think they would disown him at least not forever.
the only way I see that happening is if maybe you and him were seeing each other before he was divorced.

good luck with whatever you do hon.

[Leed]

LoveOneAnother ! You and your husband should go to counseling to see that a therapist would suggest doing in this situation;. I think you need a professional's advice. But I still think the professional would say that your husband should tell those kids "Bye, and have a good life!"

What they are doing is just ridiculous, and after some time has passed I'm sure they will realize the HORRIBLE thing they have done. They just have to mature. Right now all of them have the maturity of about a 10 yr old COMBINED!!! They just cannot expect your husband to live without a female companion for the rest of his lfie -- that is just cruel and heartless. So unless he's just a wimp and not the man you thought he was, he'll tell them to go fly a kite until they grow up. THEN and ONLY then can they come back and apologize for such a ridiculous threat.

I hope that's what he does. Cause he'd be losing a wonderful woman. God bless and PLEASE PLEASE??? Let us know what happens?? I'm begging??? lol Hugs, Lee

Hi LoveOneAnother - i think what his children are doing is petty and shameful, they are grown men for goodness sake - do they expect their father to remain single for the rest of his life? This is extremely selfish. I personally would have tried to instigate a meeting with them...perhaps they feel you dislike them or want nothing to do with them? They're not going to change their mind and welcome you if you make no effort to meet them - thats not how it works. After all if you intend to remain in your husbands life you would have to meet with them eventually. I think its worth deciding whether this is something you wish to pursue - if you love this man i think you need to explain that him delivering an ultimatum like this is unfair, of course you don't want to seperate him from his grown sons who im sure have their own lives - but you are still his WIFE and deserve to be treated as such. He needs to man up in my view and explain to his sons that you are in his life whether they like it or not - and they won't disown him regardless of what they say, what happens if they need daddy all of sudden? They won't be able to stay away forever and as long as he makes it clear he will be there for them too no matter what hopefully they'll learn to grow up and accept the situation. All the best.

[Zenster]

If you haven't met his boys, there is some dysfunction happening. Were you the OW and did he leave their mother to be with you? They may see you as the person who stole their family. A lot of healing needs to take place.

My heart goes out to all of you. Those boys are hurting too.

Wishing you peace...