So sad, don't know what to do

Hi,
I am new here. Been married 20 years. Have 2 sons, the older one is the one the does everything right, does not argue, the easy one. The younger is the opposite, but still a great kid, just needs a different touch to motivate him, which takes skill and constant work.

My husband doesn't get this one, the younger. He jumps to negative conclusions about our youngest at every turn, and wrongly believes the most negative things about his own son, that are extremely hurtful. He (husband) says things that really hurt our boy almost daily, I see it getting worse as our 16 year old is getting older, and finding his independence, my husband seems to hate everything about this. We can not just have simple conversations about, say the football game, without the husband loosing it and telling our son he does everything wrong, essentially.

My love for him is severely diminished and has been for a long time. I could tolerate my husband's negativeness if it was just at me, but I don't want my son ruined any more by this.

In this day and age of being so financially difficult to separate or divorce, as well as emotionally devastating, I feel confused what to do.

My husband won't see a counselor, he thinks we are in the wrong, and is constantly playing the martyr.
He comes from a disfunctional upbringing, I don't. What would you do?
So sad right now, it hurts.

Were I in your shoes, I would seek counseling for myself and possibly my kid and not make any decision about the marriage until I felt I had clarity.

But that's me.

Dearheart, I'm going to tell you what it did to MY son.

My ex husband (now deceased) was ok with my son until he became a teenager and was trying to spread his wings. My husband was great with my son for awhile because my son was an ACE pitcher in baseball in his senior year. He won every game he pitched in, and had the best curve balls, sliders, etc., than anyone in their league. Everyone wondered where our team got this "boy wonder" and he always made the newspapers. Well, that stroked my husband's ego, you see. HIS SON was an ace pitcher!! Wow -- HIS SON!!! You would have thought that HE had done the pitching!!!

After a a month of pitching, my son's arm started hurting -- bad sign. We took him to the best doctor in the area for sports injuries. Bad news -- he needed surgery. He had surgery -- and found out he was BORN with NO CARTILAGE in that shoulder!!! So that ended his pitching career. And that ended the pride my husband had in my son.

From then on my son could do nothing right. Nothing. Of course my son was devastated he couldn't pitch anymore as that was his dream. His grades began to fall -- my husband went into a rage. They would fight -- and my husband would blacken my son's eye!!! This would happen when I was at work, or I would have probably shot him with my 12 gauge shotgun!!! They began arguing all the time - even when I was home, and i'd have to get between them. My son never did anything right according to my husband, and it could be just LITTLE things. ------

There's no point in going any further with this -- you get the picture. My son turned to alcohol for solace. He became an alcoholic. He drank for over 20 years because he could never measure up to what his father wanted. All he wanted was his fathers love. Just 2 months ago, we were called at 3:30am to the hospital and told to get there ASAP as my son was dying due to liver failure. When we got there, he was yellow as a cab. He spent 2 months in the hospital Critical Care unit and also in a physical rehab facility. I just brought him home to care for him. We don't know how long he'll live as his liver isn't workiing 100%. It's at about 20% so the prognosis isn't great.

You have GOT to do something. Whether you go to counseliing for both of you or just your son -- that would be good, but it will NOT stop your husband from degrading your son.

Personally, knowing what I know now -- I'd leave. I'd get out before my son was damaged any more than he already is. That WILL still have an effect on him years later - and he'll need therapy in order to deal with it.

My prayers are with you. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[quote]In this day and age of being so financially difficult to separate or divorce, as well as emotionally devastating, I feel confused what to do.[quote]

Me personally - know it is so difficult to cope, including financially! I have had friends/family buying me food/electric etc. However, there is never a good time to call it a day - sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns and do it! Hugs

Hi pomette - im sorry to hear you're having such difficulties. Your husband will not change unless he wants too. What can however change is how you and your son react to his behaviour - i would take him along to some counselling sessions (as well as yourself if you feel this would help with your marriage difficulties) so that you both learn some coping strategies to deal with life at home. No its not ideal but they're aren't really many other options. In the mean time continue to tell your son that there is nothing wrong with him and that you will love him no matter what - even if he can only relate to one of you in the long term thats better than nothing. I understand your worries about financial difficulty etc but is that worth remaining in a situation that makes you so unhappy? Perhaps save as much as you can and then reassess whether you feel you still want to stay. Your boys are grown men now, they wouldn't want to see either you or your husband unhappy so i think its time now to put more of yourself first and do what feels right. I hope this situaiton resolves positively for you. All the best.

Hi

I wonder if your husband is a narcissist. It sounds like he has narcissistic traits...and there is no cure.

Research this and think about what you already know. Where there is smoke, there is fire.