[toledotown]

Please provide any advice for me that you may have. We have been married 20 years; we are in our 40’s. We have four children, two teenagers and two pre-teens. I don’t think our marriage works. When I was dating her I thought she was funny and pretty but I thought there was a decent chance we may not work well together as parents, but it was hard to know for sure; but my worst fears came true. Our working relationship has always been extremely challenging. We simply don’t work well together. She wants to dictate every minute of my day. She is overwhelmed by life and I have to help her with everything. I sometimes think she has depression or anxiety but maybe it’s just life/motherhood. I feel sorry for her but I am always in trouble yet I wake up every morning thinking what can I do to make her happy. There is just so much tension in our home, she is mad at me at least half the time. If I do anything like go out to lunch with people I work with, she is annoyed because I didn’t run an errand for her during that time, or something like that. If I take a business trip, I am in big trouble. It should be noted, we have had a lot of external problems that have taken a toll on our lives. I had a business fail (partly due to our marriage dynamics) that has caused us to file for bankruptcy. We have learned officially that our oldest, who doesn't develop normally, has some degree of Autism. Our second has ADHD. The next two our quite normal though. We have had some problems with both of our own families that have raised the stress. We may have been ok if so much hadn't happened around us. As a side note we do have some good times and I have been completely faithful to her and I believe she has been faithful too. The question really is, if a marriage can’t find a good routine, and is often tense, is it better for this kids for the parents to split up? Willing to do whatever is best for them…

[catsrhelm]

I am a child of divorce, so here is my thought, it is better to split up then have the tension continue on and on. My parents did me a favor by splitting up. I mean before that, they fought all the time.

[Leed]

That's a good question. If the parents are always FIGHTING, and harsh words are said all the time, day in and day out, it may be best for the kids if you separate.

But if you two can be civil with each other, it might be best if you stayed together. The children are ALWAYS the ones who get hurt in a divorce or separation! ALWAYS. They somehow always think they're the reason for the split, no matter how many times you tell them it wasn't their fault. Plus they kids don't dare show any preference towards one parent or another, even tho they might feel closer to one. They feel guilty if they want to spend more time with one parent than the other. They carry GUILT with them all them time! GUILT -- do you have any idea how horrible that is for a child to deal with? A child should NEVER have to deal with guilt! It hangs on until adulthood, and screws up their whole life.

There is so much you need to think about as far as the children go. They will be VERY effected with a separation/divorce. You need family counseling, if you're considering something like this, because the children should have some say in it -- and they need to understand what's going on. A good therapist could help them understand. See a therapist with everyone before you do anything, please! Hugs, Lee

[Jannaku]

My first thought is that you and your wife need some counseling to at least try and work out where this relationship is going wrong in an attempt to rectify things. Your wife may also benefit from some individual therapy to work out what is going on and wrong with her life. Obviously if she can resolve her own personal issues then it will make for a happier marriage. If your home is a toxic environment filled with a lot of conflict and unhappiness, this is not a healthy space for your children and you need to address this as well and not necessarily through a separation at this stage. I agree with Leeds when she says you should consider family counseling. Don't leave them out of the loop but speak openly and honestly with them and involve them in the process. It's a very difficult situation which unfortunately can't be resolved overnight so you need to be strong and hang in their and be intelligent, rather than emotional, about your choices and actions. Best of luck.

[healingme4me]

She expects you to run errands for her, on your lunch hour/break?!

I've seen some couples where the man decided to wait until the kids were grown and out of the house before splitting.

I've seen relationships dissolve and turn into better parenting situations.

I've seen relationships, where both partners go to individual counseling for the sake of their relationship, and that works.

For the sake of the kids...hmmmm, tough one.

Are you currently in therapy, yourself?

I've often said, how can one leave, if they don't know how to stay?
And I've often heard, I will only leave, if I can no longer stay.

It's not an overnight decision. Does your wife, realize your level of dissatisfaction within your marriage? And if so, what is she going to do, to meet you halfway?

[eskielover]

From my personal experience......I should have left my H long before I did for my own good & for our daughter's own good even though he was a good caring father, he was financially irresponsible & never learned.

Problem started with his attitude that I was an issue with me before we got married & it was a red flag to me...but listened to my mother & was talked into going through with the wedding.

We had different values & way different goals we wanted from life. He was always trying to push me into doing things financially that with my education & degree I knew were wrong.

We fought non-stop.....then year 3 came our daughter & we fought even more because I wasn't about to postpone finishing my degree.

Problem was that the fighting escalated & my buttons would get pushed & I didn't care what I said or how I said it.....& our daughter learned from that.

My career was my hiding place from my bad marriage (ended up a firmware design engineer in the aerospace industry programming military communication's systems).....but when the aerospace industry went down hill & I ended up not being able to find a position any longer, I felt trapped in the bad marriage. My anxiety went into depression which ended up in suidide attempts as I felt that was my only way out of my trapped place.

Our daughter lived with all of this going on & the worse happened during her senior year in high school. She moved out in her 1st year of junior college......It ended up messing up her ability to have reasonable relationships. When I finally was able to escape the bad marriage 6 years ago, & my language & my peace & everything changed almost immediately......but my daughter's language never changed......it was like it was a part of her learned behavior.....where for me, it was just my bad reaction to the bad situation I was in but not really ME.

I would personally say....it's best to end the marriage. Usually things become so much more peaceful after the divorce & it's much better for the children even if they have problems....maybe some of the problems they have will go away in a more calm & peaceful life style around them.