[elecrisis67]

I'll start by saying I'm here because I don't know where else to turn. I've had depression since I was 9 years old (or that's when they diagnosed me with it anyways).

*fast forward through a buncha crappy moments in my life*

February 2010, after a 7 month relationship from hell with a man whom I found out had been cheating on me since the beginning, never loved me, used me the whole entire time, led me on with lies about wanting to get married and such... he literally disappeared in the middle of the f'n night while I was at work. I came home and all of his stuff was still there: wallet, money, cell phone, clothes, his babies (dogs), everything he owned...everything except him and my truck. 9 days passed and still no word/sign from him. The police found my truck and returned it (I reported him missing and the truck stolen - he had no drivers license and if he would have been pulled over or wrecked it, I would have been in deep *****.) Anyways, when the truth came out, it was discovered that he had left me to be with his mistress...a 53 yr old (hes 24) crack-addicted grandmother of 3, with no teeth, who had been married for 21 years to the same man. This completely tore me to pieces. How could somebody choose a woman like that over me?! I mean my self-esteem is in the ******* and I know that Im not super model skinny or pretty but I was a size 7/9, weighed 130 pounds. I would say Im at least an 7. It just kept going through my head over and over... how could he choose someone like that over me? After 9 days of hell, not knowing where he was, if he was ok, what had really happened, and then to find that out. I lost it. Everyone around me tried to keep me together. The womans husband came over and we talked for hours about how much it hurt and how they are selfish bastards, but it didnt do any good. While I was packing up his stuff I came across all of his psych meds (that he had not been taking) so 7 months of pills, some 2 or 3 times a day pills...lots of friggen pills. I decided I was going to take them, with alcohol, and get in my truck, put our song on repeat, drive down a country road (didnt want to hurt anyone else) and just drive until I passed out. It didnt happen though because my son called me (he lives with his grandma in town) and wanted to know if I was ok. (6th sense right?) I lost it. Told him to put grandma on the phone and told her I needed to be checked in to the hospital.
I got transferred, by request, to hospital 90 miles away. I spent 10 days there. While I was there I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I should mention here that I am a psychology student and that BPD was only briefly covered in abnormal psych class. It was just "the cutters" have BPD. So I never thought I had that. I don't cut myself. Another funny thing about being in the mental hospital...a girl came in 2 days after I did, and some sick reason I felt like I had to help her. She was my roommate. She also had some kind of mental delay and was seriously going to kill herself over a fight she had with her husband. She must have been about 20-21 maybe. I later found out that she had been there a few times before, all guy related, and that she had met her husband in this hospital the last time she was in there. Oh well, still felt like I had to be strong and help her...reassure her. here i was, a broken mess and Im pulling myself together for a girl I dont even know, yet I couldnt pull myself together to go to work, or for my son. WTF is wrong with me? (Oh I later found out that her husband was some creepy looking 40 something yr old dude... seriously made me wonder why I told her that everything was going to be ok and that she should try to work it out, but whatever). So before being discharged the psychiatrist asked me what am I going to do to make sure I dont end up back there? I told him, I think Im gonna stay single for a while. Focus on me and on school and my son.

HAHAHA. Yeah that really lasted. By March I had paid $40 for a match.com membership. The first guy in my town that responded was a cutie. We met up in the wal-mart parking lot, he hugged me, I got in his truck and he went out on a really nice date. At the end of the date he didn’t try anything. Not even a kiss. I went to sleep that night with butterflies. That man took me on 9 dates before he even tried to kiss me. He spent time with me in my bedroom, watching chick flick movies, and didn’t try to cop a feel, nothing. I actually thought he put me in the dreaded ‘friend zone’. But then he kissed me and it was perfect. He took me on a camping trip in July and he proposed to me. We planned a Las Vegas helicopter wedding. Ride in a limo to the helicopter, fly over downtown Las Vegas at sunset, get married. Oh it was going to be great! We picked out a date. His mother went with me dress shopping. Everything was going the way I had always hoped it would. The lease on my apartment was up before the wedding date, and he said not to sign a new lease, just to move in early. I had doubts because I had read that people who live together before getting married have a higher divorce rate, and I was also worried because he had not spent much time with kids before and my son would be moving in with me. He said that he’s a grown man and he can deal with my kid and he wants me there. So I moved in. The first 5 months of our relationship, we never once argued. Then our first argument happened and I didn’t know what else to do except what I had always done…I left. I took my son, left all my stuff, and went to stay overnight at my mom’s house. I went back the next day and we worked it out. There were two more times after that time that I had decided enough was enough and I’m leaving. But we worked it out, and every time he always said, ”This is a stupid reason to break up and you know it. I’m not giving up on you. I’m always going to be here.” The last 7 months (maybe longer) I have lived with him, hating him more and more every day. I started cheating on him (he never knew about it, and one time when he got suspicious I stopped and cut all tied with the other man. At which point I realized that I was still in love with this guy.) But we stopped being intimate. We slept in different rooms, in different beds. We argued a lot. He blamed me for things that weren’t even my fault. Yelled at me for not having the dishes and laundry done every day. I work 30 hrs a wk, plus go to school 19 hrs a wk and put in at least 10 hrs in homework/papers/reading/etc for school. That’s almost 60 hours a week, with no days off. He works a 40 hour week, yes its physically harder than mine, with 3 days off. But it was my fault that nothing was ever done. I started to feel like he wanted a maid/cook more than he wanted a gf.

Then one day I came downstairs, sat in my chair next to his, and he said we needed to talk. I knew what was coming. I wasn’t an idiot. So he said he didn’t think we were gonna work. Then he said I feel better after having said that. YOU FEEL BETTER AFTER DUMPING ME?! I went upstairs and told my son to pack all of his stuff. I remember the pain in his voice when he asked,”Did he kick us out?” and the fear that he somehow had caused it. We left that day. I took the last $300 in my bank account and talked a landlord into letting us move in and pay the rest of the money later. Too bad the only place that I knew to be vacant was 2 blocks away from his house and now I can stand in my front yard and still see his house.

Since leaving, I have seen him 3 times. I went over to talk to him a week after the break up. I just needed to see him. He had been texting me every day to make sure I was ok. So we talked and he walked me to my car, just like he used to. Then he kissed me. Told me he still loves me. Then we went a few days without talking, and I texted him. He asked how I was. I told him ok, that I had not been texting him because I didn’t want to bother him. He said it was ok to text him. That I wasn’t bothering him. He said I still had some stuff in his garage and asked if he could bring it over. So I saw him when he did that. He hugged me but left in a hurry. Then a few days he accidently sent me a text that was supposed to go to his mom. We started talking about her for a while. I told him I miss him. He says he misses me too. Then we didn’t talk again. A couple weeks went by and I asked his mom if I could come over, she had a Christmas present bought for me before the break up and had been asking me to come pick it up. I was getting off early that day so I figured I would stop by around 6ish. She said that would be ok. Well 6:15 I pull up to her street and his car is there. I didn’t know rather I should stop or not so I decided not to. I texted her later and asked her if she had forgotten. She said that he came over around 5:30. She told him that I was coming around 6, but he stayed. She said he seen my car, thought I was going to stop, but then I didn’t. And he left immediately after that. I went over and talked to her that night. Bawled my eyes out. Told her I miss the hell outta her son and that I love him with my whole entire heart. It makes no f’n sense. I hated the man when I was with him. He treated me like **** at the end. But I still love him. I forgive him for all the bad things he said, because I love him.

I texted him after I left her house and told him, “Sorry. I honestly didn’t know you were going to be there.” And he said, “Stop. We are done! No more texts no nothing! Sorry” I felt like he ripped my heart out again. I felt like this was the last time I would ever get to say anything to the man that I love. I told him “I love you. I miss you. And I will do as you ask and never talk to you again.” And I haven’t. I saw him outside on his porch last week as I was pulling in my drive way. Cried for hours. Every day I fight the urge to call him and beg him to forgive me for f’ning up everything. I feel like if I could go back to the first argument and if I wouldn’t have left, if I would have went to him and told him why I was upset, that our whole relationship would have been different. This year I would be sitting by his side at his mother’s table for Thanksgiving, instead of cooking another meal for myself and my son, like I do every day. Nothing special. When the urge to call or text him gets to unbearable, I text his mom. It’s the closest thing that I have. I love him and respect his wishes. If he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, then ok. As much as it hurts, ok. And I know that even if I tell him how much I’m hurting, how much I miss him, how sorry I am, it wouldn’t matter anyways. I went to match.com today. First time logging in there since the breakup. I was getting online to look at all of our old messages and because I just remembered that he had a picture on there…only picture I have access to. I missed his face. What hurts is that it says that he was active yesterday. Punch me right in the gut. The last gf he had, they were together 2 years, and after they broke up, he stayed single for 4 years. Its been 6 weeks and hes already over me, looking for a new gf…

I shouldn’t judge him. I have been on 2 dates. And all they have done is make it worse. The first guy I had nothing in common with. The second guy had his hand on my crotch, kissing my neck 20 mins into the movie. Wanting me to make out with him in his vehicle after the show and then go back to his place. My friend convinced me to join a dating website. It’s pointless. All I’ve learned is that men don’t want a relationship anymore. They don’t want a gf that will stick by their side through thick and thin, they want a different piece of *** every night. This leaves girls in a predicament. If you don’t have sex with them on the first date, then they don’t want you cuz you don’t put out, and they know they can go get it from some other girl, but if you do give it up, then you’re an easy ***** and they don’t want you because of that. I had a man who took me on 9 dates without kissing me. Who loved me. Who got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. And I f’d it up.

To top it off my depression meds aren’t working. The doc added lithium to make it stronger and help stabilize my mood…it’s not working, doc. The abilify that she did have me on, made me gain 60 pounds in 3 months. Which also makes it harder to date. Nobody wants a divorced (no the guy above and I didn’t get married… this was a 2 yr marriage back when I was 17.) 25 yr old, depressed, pessimistic, overweight, single mom. I’ve got a crappy job, but it is a job. I have my own vehicle, my own apartment, no roommates. I have teeth (which is more than I can say for most of the men on the dating websites). I am almost done with my bachelor’s degree in psychology. But even with all of the pluses, the negatives still outweigh them. I know that I shouldn’t be trying to get over him by finding somebody new, but it worked the last time… and I kinda think that BPD might have something to do with my intense NEED to be in a relationship.

And as icing on the cake, I had my first panic attack today. I was sitting in class when this over whelming sinking feeling washed over me. Just pure sadness. I felt my eyes getting watery. I left class and ran towards the bathroom and collapsed. From the onset to the bathroom floor was about 25 seconds. This was full blown: Fetal position on the floor, heart racing, can’t breathe, body shaking, crying my head off… just wanting to die. For 20 minutes. It’s like an asthma and heart attack, while being punched in the stomach and crying all at the same time. Worse thing I’ve ever experienced. Just glad Im a psych student and knew what was happening, or else I would have called 911. I did talk to my doctor later. She prescribed me a couple zanix to call me down and in case it happened again. She wants me to go back to the hospital I was in last time for another 10 day in-patient treatment. It did sorta work the last time. They got my meds regulated and I left there hating the a’hole, and much less suicidal. But the problem is that I have other responsibilities. I have a job, and bills to pay. I have a child to care for and school to attend. Papers don’t write themselves.

I just don’t know what to do now… I’m still in love with a man that I had an unstable, deeply emotional, relationship with. I can’t talk to any “friends” I have about it, because they all hate him. Can’t afford to go to the hospital. Meds aren’t working. She’ changed ‘em like 5 times in one year. They just aren’t doing it anymore. Can’t find a decent guy to serve as a distractor. If I could just find a middle guy (not a scummy no tooth, no job, no car, no education, lives at home with parents, but wants to run off and get married tomorrow or a hot sexy stud that only wants a one night stand) that has a job, a vehicle, a good head on his shoulder, doesn’t do drugs or hate kids and wants more than a one night stand, and just make myself fall for him, maybe I could stop thinking about this guy. Maybe the pain would go away. But I don’t even think these guys exist anymore. I think I had the last decent one and I screwed it up. What do you do when the one person you want to love you, doesn’t?

[Leed]

I don't understand why he got so "uppity" and said "Stop - we are done," etc. Why all the anger? What was that all about? Did you have a huge fight when he said it wasn't going to work?

I'm sorry this happened. I really am. But being broken-hearted over a man has never killed anyone -- and I'm NOT minimizing your pain, believe me. I know it hurts, and it hurts BAD. You can't sleep, he occupies your mind all day, it's all you can think of, you can't concentrate on anything, etc. It's miserable!

But like everyone says and is going to say, time does heal -- and it's going to take time for THIS to heal. It's unfortunate that you live so close now, so that you see him and his car so frequently -- but that can't be helped right now. If, at a later date, you CAN find a place somewhere else, that would be to your benefit. In the meantime, try to keep busy. Try to keep your mind occupied. Try not to look towards his house -- if you have a window that you frequently look out to check on him, put something in front of it so you can't see out of it easily.

I'm sure you'll find someone who DESERVES you - someone who is compassionate, kind, loving and caring. I wish you the very best -- please take good care of yourself and your son. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[elecrisis67]

I honestly dont know. I tried for 2 years to figure that man out. He really was Dr. Jekyl/ Mr. Hyde. One minute he loved me and the next he couldnt stand to breathe the same air as I was. How can one minute he say he still loves me and it doesnt bother him if I text him. Then without any further action on my part, other than not stopping at his moms house when he was there, he decided to flip out and tell me we're done and stop talking to him. It just doesnt make any sense. my friends have all told me to call him and leave a voice mail (cuz I know he wont answer) and just tell him everything I need to say. But I know that it wont do either of us any good.

Maybe he has a new girl from match.com that he is talking to. Idk. That hurts because now Im thinking he gets to move on and forget all about me, our time together, our love, etc and be happy with a new girl while I get to sit here feeling like ***** everyday, lonely and alone.

I agree that the pain from a broken heart has never killed anyone, but it has lead many people to suicide. Id be lying if I didn't say I don't think about it. Hard not to when you look back and realize you're not mad anymore and you forgive the person for every bad thing they ever said or did to you and all you want it to tell them you're so sorry for taking them for granted. That you hate yourself so much for not realizing how much of a good person they were, and how good they were for you, until it was too late.

As for moving, the only way that I got this place was to take out $5000 in student loans to pay for all the utilities, rent and deposit. And Ill have to take out even more money in January to continue to afford this place. But what else can I do? I make $720 a month at my part time job. I cant get a full time job because 1, no places around here hire full time anymore. Why would they, when they can hire 2 part timers, get 60 hours of work from them and not have to pay benefits? And 2) because I go to school. I cant find a job that will work around my school schedule. And Im not sure I could keep my grades up if i took on any more hours at work.

Ive been on the public housing list for 3 months...still no openings.
I went to the mental health center to see about counseling. With a medical card, and low income, they still wanted me to pay $50 out of pocket per session. and wanted me to come in every 2 weeks. I cant afford that. I have a kid to support.

Thanks for responding to me Lee

[elecrisis67]

So yesterday (Thanksgiving) the food was good. Of course, because I was the one who cooked it. The day itself was pretty damn stressful. It sucks not having any help and being the one that your messed up family takes advantage of. So I had to buy everything, wake up early to cook everything wash an a$$ton of dishes, clean up after everyone after spending hours pretending to be the perfect HAPPY (lol what does this word even mean?) host. I was never so glad as when they decided to leave!! Too bad I have to do it all again next month. There needs to be a longer time span between holidays, that's for sure.

So pretty much the situation is that I had to cook everything because my step dad is the nastiest man on the planet (doesnt shower, sleeps on cat pee soaked sheets, its just gross), and my mom is a hoarder. Literally, as bad as the tv show. There are so many cats (18+) in their house; its disgusting. And of course the kitchen is the worst room in the house. I dont know when the last time they could see the stove. So those issues on top of a massive cock roach infestation...no way would I eat anything that comes out of their house. I dont know how they havent gotten sick yet. Anyways, so yeah 7 hours of cooking a massive feast and my step dad decides to sit right next to me. The overwhelming aroma of cat urine and rool-your-own cigarettes made me vomit in my mouth a little. Could barely eat anything. Then he sat on my cloth couch. Feel like burning it. Not sure Febreeze will ever get the smell out. All the while I'm cleaning up the mess. Then they take the left overs home and leave. Good riddens! But still... it pee's me off that I went through all of this work and they showed up, ate and left with care packages and i got stuck with the tab/mess.

Ok, so why am I posting in the relationship board about my family problems. Well, good question. After all of this I had a serious breakdown and the whole day today my mind has been racing and I cant get it to stop.

I'm alone and lonely and I keep thinking that last year was so different. We spent Thanksgiving with his mom. Last year I was with the man I love. We were happy and in love, engaged even and here it is, not but 1 year later and I lost him.

And my damn job keeps playing "happy" Christmas music and its depressing me further because I know that I'm going to be alone on Christmas as well.

Do you know what its like to want to go back in time and do things differently? It hurts so much. You tell yourself that you would not take the small things for granted. And its so hard because you want it so badly you'd do anything for it, but nothing you could ever do would even matter.

And that last thing you want to think is that its too late. Or that you should have paid more attention. You should have taken a day or two off work to do something fun and spontaneous. Deep inside you know that you shouldnt have been so angry all of the time. That you should have not gotten so mad for dumb things that the other person did or said. And you yourself should not have said mean and hateful things when you were mad, and if you couldnt help it, at least have the dignity to apologize for them later. You should have said I love you a lot more. Should have never went to bed angry. Should have spent more time smiling because you were with the one that you love, than crying because not everything was perfect. Would it have killed you to do a few more small things that you know your partner would like, just to see them smile, just to make them happy?

But what hurts more than any of that is knowing that it doesn't matter anymore. I know that there is nothing that I could say to the man that I love that would change anything. So as much as it hurts not to talk to him...talking to him, telling him everything that I think and feel and him not caring at all, would hurt just as much, if not worse.

[Confusedinomicon]

You need to see a therapist. Meds can help symptoms but it will NOT change the behaviors causing the unstable relationships (ect). Instead of trying meds, focus on finding a therapist who will help you find root triggets and eventually overcome insecurities.

You basically have to work on reprogramming how you react to situations. It has been over a year since I last broke up with my long time boyfriend. Few months since I have last self harmed. I still have unstable relationships (i avoid people) and sabotage myself. I had extreme codependency issues with my bf/parents. I dont have an explosive temper anymore. I havent been violent in a while. I dont feel constantly alone. I had to examine my behavior to understand why I did things. I had to have a bf tell me the same thing over and over for 4 years before anything struck a cord. It is often hard and painful to look at ourselves and identify causes to problems. Thats why a therapist helps out!

You are not alone, either. Your son is there.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. I"m so sorry this has happened, particularly at this time of the year. And my gosh, your family of origin is certainly dysfunctional! How you turned out so normal is beyond me!

Sweetie, I know you're hurting, and you're hurting BADLY. But going over the past is not going to do you one lick of good. You can't keep rehashing the "what if's" -- that's just going to drive you insane. We cannot change the past, even in our minds. What's done is done, and we have to face that.

I would really suggest seeing a therapist, and learning how to cope with this depression that is torturing you. Depression is "anger turned inward." That's all that it is, and we HAVE to learn how to deal with that anger. Once we find out ALL that we're angry about, then we can better handle the depression.

I have to think that some of your anger is towards your family -- you may not think so, but believe me I would certainly be angry. In fact when I went thru therapy, I didn't think I was angry at MINE, but it turned out I was ENRAGED. And I found out why -- and dealt with it. And it helped immensely! So please talk to a good therapist sweetie -- he/she can really help you thru this. I promise.

God bless you, and please let us know what happens, will you. We care about you!!! Please take care and hope to hear from you again. Hugs, Lee