[sum12u]

1. Where do I start? Sure there are medical professionals that can help, but I have no insurance and I cannot afford weekly or even every 3 or 4 month visits. I want to change and get past this depression more than anything, but I don't know where to begin. My husband of 21 years and I recently separated. We don't feel connected to each other any more and haven't for a very long time. I often find it's too hard to talk to him, so we barely have any meaningful conversations. And when we do, they are mostly one sided. And I never initiate conversations. This has always been an issue of mine. I tend to avoid these kinds of situations. Mostly out of fear. Fear that I will say something I don't mean or that he will say something I don't want to hear. I have never been a good conversationalist to begin with, sure I can write all these words, but I would never come out and say what I need to say. I'm so tired of being afraid to say things that need to be said.
2. My self esteem and confidence is non existent. It has been for at least 15 years. How do I begin to get it back? Sure there are websites to help, I've read plenty. But they tell you to just jump right in and do it. I'm here to say, changes like that are not automatic. What are some steps I can take to gradually repair myself? aside from the obvious diet and exercise.

[Leed]

First, is there ANY chance of you and your husband getting back together. I'm going to suggest marriage counseling. Counseling can help you two learn HOW to communicate. I totally understand the fear of saying anything for fear it will be taken wrong, or that you might say something you don't mean. Counseling can help you with that. If you two are willing to go to counseling, perhaps this marriage can be saved. Do you think your husband would be willing to go? And are YOU willing to go? It WOULD help.

Secondly, as far as you -- check with your local county health department's mental health -- they MIGHT have counseling services for you and a very reduced rate, or even FREE. It would be based on your income. You would be well served to go to counseling on your own. Check into it, and see what they have to offer -- I know you won't regret it. If they don't have anything, I KNOW they could tell you where you could go for reduced services.

I wish you the very best. Please let us know what happens, will you? God bless, and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Hello Sum12u,
I can relate to your post in a few ways. My wife and I recently separated afer a total of 23 yrs together. I was not the good communicator or listener. I held things inside and did not share my pain out of fear and low self esteem. She begged me to get help and all I did was go deeper inside to hide.
I began seeking relationships online to escape the pain I was causing at home and of course that didnt go so good.
I too have been reading and posting and doing all the self help stuff.
I just got to a place where I realized that no matter what I have done wrong in the past, I am a human being and I do have worth. Some days I have a hard time believing it, but I won't allow myself to quit moving forward each day on a road to recovery.
I have a daughter who loves her daddy and I will not let her down!
Hopefully you can find someone or something to motivate you to keep trying and never give up!

[sum12u]

First I want to take the time to thank you both for the replies. I really hope there is a chance for us, but at this point I don't see one. To add to all of this (the part I left out) he tells me he's not attracted to me any more (I can see that since I really don't like who I am and have been) that he needs more. He wants to be able to keep me, but do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. And it should be ok with me. What are your thoughts on this?

Oh no no no!
As a human being you are worth so much more than that! My ex and I are most likely never getting back together, and that hurts me alot since its pretty much my fault we fell apart in the first place.
I would give just about anything to reconcile, but we both know it would be a very strained and difficult relationship.
We discussed getting back together for our daughter, but also how it would affect her if we failed and split up again.
And we also discussed the open marriage thing...together but separate...I know people do it but for the life of me I don't know how.
I understand abiut not wanting to be alone..oh I do! But don't give in to a relationship set up that is just patently unfair to you. He needs to want to heal and restore the marriage you have or it won't work. Believe me when I say I would do anything to fix my situation, but the hardest thing I have had to do is accept that it may be too late for us.
I hope this post helps you out!

[Leed]

He wants to be able to keep you yet do whatever he wants with whoever he wants??? What does he want to "keep" you for? To wash his clothes & do his dishes? WHAT A FIRST CLASS JERK!!!

Sweetie, you don't deserve to be treated like this! What is wrong with this man anyway? Is he out of his mind? And he thinks this setup should be OK with you???

Oh PLEASE -- DUMP HIM. Throw him to the curb. He must be smoking something if he thinks ANY woman would put up with that!

Find someone who will cherish you like you deserve to be cherished! Find someone who will LOVE you like you deserve to be loved. And find someone who will be TRUE to you like you deserve! I'm so very sorry this guy has treated you like this. You certainly don't deserve this abuse. And it IS abuse. Get rid of him fast, and change the locks. Don't EVER take him back. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[sum12u]

Thank you spirit and leed for your replies. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have talked to other people about this and they agree that it is unfair to me for him to even suggest this. He has always wanted another woman in our lives and I always blew it off as one big joke. I'm beginning to see things that were always there but I never really paid attention to because I am still so in love with him. He's never going to be happy with just one person and that is just something I am not willing to do.