[Big Mama]

I have been contemplating leaving my H for many years now. I don't know how much more I can take of his s***. I have put up w/ rudeness, OCD, control issues, I'm tired, I'm spunt, and I'm done. That being said I'm done but not stupid. I have copies of alot of our legal documents. I have a few more to copy w/ taxes coming up and all. I want to have a solid game plan before I just up and decide to leave.

I've got 3 kids. And child support is another thing that concerns me. I have not worked in 15 years. I don't want to rake the man over the coals and leave him w/ nothing to live off of. The government seems to do a fine job of that. I hate to see men struggle and not have groceries or rent money because the government has set this crazy rate for child support. That's not what I'm after. It is the father of my children for crying out loud. If it hurts him it hurts them. I would like to figure out something between us that is going to leave us both in a situation where we can have a life outside of one another. But I have no idea where to start and what factors to even consider. Transportation, housing, electric, phone, clothes, insurance, school lunches. If anyone has any advice to add please feel free to give me factors to consider. Thanks anyone who can help.

[MudCrab]

Hello, Big Mama. You may find some help here: https://www.google.com/#hl=en&sugexp...w=1920&bih=949

[shezbut]

Check out the attached website that discusses mediation. In my experience, mediation is a lot more friendly, and less tense than going to court. You both come to agreements throughout the process, rather than a judge making all custody/visitation and support decisions.

http://www.parentingafterdivorce.com.../preptips.html

Gentle hugs to you...

[eskielover]

I asked my lawyer about mediation in regards to divorce....KY doesn't have divorce through mediation...it's all through the judges. However that being said because I am living in KY & filing divorce against my H in Calif....the agreements are all done through the mail & if he had a lawyer it would be through them.

Many times those father's who can't afford food because of the child support they pay are spending the rest of their money on liquor, cigarettes rather than food & what they are paying is really a fair amount. I don't necessarily agree with the college fund because many of us who had 2 parents who couldn't afford a college fund & ended up going through the junior college & into the state university's without having to have exorbitant student loans. There are definitely some levels of negotiation I would imagine.

I tolerated my husband for 33 years & the fighting we did through our daughter's life wasn't a favor to her & we would have been better off divorced. I am sure you will be able to figure out something very workable....but if your husband is as controlling as you say....he may make the divorce situation unbearable for you also & it may take a lot of strength for you to get through it. I know that I should have just forced the divorce to happen when I knew I should rather than caving into his refusal to leave the house & forcing me to be the one to leave....I should have just gone to the lawyer & made the judge force the sale of the house & SCREW him. Things turned out for the best in the long run & I have my freedom 2100 miles away where I can't be bothered by him except financially until the divorce is final.....& that is the huge problem in our relationship anyway was financial issues.

[sadaralo]

If I remember what my mom said about my parents' divorce, they were able to agree on what they wanted outside of the courts. They just had to file their paperwork with the courts though for the divorce to be final. If your husband is amenable to the divorce and would be civil during such a thing perhaps this would be an option for you.

My friends went through mediation...if that is a possibility, perhaps you can look into that option first. They both wanted what was best for the kids with the least amount of trauma / drama possible. And they also wanted to make sure the other one would be as ok as possible. It is a really difficult situation to go through but this seemed to create the least damage all the way around

Also, you may want to have a sit down with your family to let them know of the situation...but only if you feel they will be a good, solid support system for you. They love you and want what is best for all of you. But you are their daughter

(we are here, too, so dont hesitate to keep sharing and writing)

Oh, also, ((((Mama)))) this is definitely something you want to speak with T about at your single sessions so you can talk about your thoughts, feelings, best practices, a plan. So if you do decide to share these thoughts with H. You can do it in a supportive, caring environment

[Big Mama]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and support. I am still up in the air about what to do. I have T Weds. It can be alone or w/ my H. I don't know which is the best option. I am to fearful of him to mention any of this to him w/out giving my T a heads up. I sure her intervening will be helpful.

I also feel like she gets tired of seeing us and things are good and seeing me and things are not so good. That sends very mixed messages. Either I'm blowing things out of proportion and I'm not telling the truth and like to make things look worse then they are when my H is not around or I am to much of a coward to put my foot down. That is just a hunch, I do not know that to be true of how the T thinks.

When it comes to my H and I together I feel like for the most part things go well or it's more of a damage control thing. Settle an argument. Some times we discuss the nitty gritty stuff. How he triggers me and I him.

At the moment I have no idea what is going on w/ me. I had a horrible crying all night issue becasue of frustration Weds night, he nit picked me to death for the next few days after that and on Saturday he was absolutely rude and nasty. I spent the next few hours in tears that I couldn't seem to turn off. I am so tired of things being this way. I am so exhausted w/ the water works that spring up when ever we disagree and he is hurtful w/ his choice of words. I don't know if these teary days are trying to tell me something like to leave or if the PTSD is totally out of control. I don't want the PTSD to rule the day. Regardless I have some things I need to copy, and some things I need to get straightened out.

Thinking of child support and alimony, I would like to set boundries and form agreements outside of the courts. I think we can get along well enough to do that. Maybe not. I think he will fare better if it is kept out of court and mediation is used. But if he is angry and I am fearful then there is no other choice.

The T has suggested to me, not to us yet, seperating for 3 or 4 months. And see if we can gain a different respect for each other and see if we can work this stuff out on our own a little then get back together. All while working w/ the T separately and together some to.

I just don't know what to do. I am reading a book right now To good to leave but to bad to stay. I hope it helps. Right now I'm not getting much from it. I do have a a hard time reading and understanding what I read though. I have only read 2 chapters but I can't tell you anything it has said yet. I have just no idea. I hate help being at my finger tips and I can't even read well enough to use it. Well that's the way the cookie crumbles I guess.

I'll check out those sites listed above when I get a moment. H doesn't like me on the computer when he is here. He's been here whole bunches. Thank yall again for your kindness and for listening.

[shezbut]

((((Big Mama))))

My heart just aches for you ~ I hope that you find the resolution to get back into a healthier state of mind.

[Mike_J]

A quick Google search for the laws in your state, I know in my state there is a formula that gets applied plug in the numbers and that is it..

But your state is probably different.

[Big Mama]

MJ Thanks. I'll give that a try. I am not to good w/ computers. On day when my sanity is doing better and I feel like I can handle getting pissed at the computer I will certinly see what I can find.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I hate to see men struggle and not have groceries or rent money because the government has set this crazy rate for child support. That's not what I'm after. It is the father of my children for crying out loud. If it hurts him it hurts them. I would like to figure out something between us that is going to leave us both in a situation where we can have a life outside of one another. But I have no idea where to start and what factors to even consider.

The couple has a role in deciding how much child support your husband will pay. If you and he want him to pay less than the standard government rate, then you just put that in your divorce settlement. You guys have a lot of control, especially if you can make decisions together.

However, that said, you said you haven't worked for 15 years. How about your husband? Is he working? You may find that you need a year or two of full child support before you get your career together and find a decent paying job where you need less child support.

Please see a lawyer and discuss your options. I recommend a process called Collaborative Divorce, as then you and your husband will work together to craft the best settlement instead of being adversaries. Collaborative Divorce is client-centered--you and your husband will make the decisions, not a judge or lawyers. You do not need to go to court. But do be sure that there is a lawyer involved so that the divorce agreement will hold up to legal scrutiny and be enduring.

I recommend you go to speak to a lawyer to understand your options for the divorce process. You can find lawyers in your area who are trained to do collaborative divorce by going to this website:
http://www.collaborativepractice.com/

Good luck.

[Big Mama]

Sunrise thank you so much. I will certinly look into collaborative divorce. I have not worked in 15 years. We agreed the children needed there mother at home. My H's work has been our only source of income. He is a smell business owner. Long ago his business was set up to make sure the wives of the shareholders didn't get there hands on any of the businesses assets. Since then 2 of the 3 share holders have gone threw divorce.

One wife wanted no part of the business it was failing at the time. The 2nd wife fot the business to keep her on insurance for the next 5 years but was able to take some of the businesses earnings. I don't want to touch my H's business. I'd like to keep the insurance if possible. The business is his livelyhood. I didn't work for it and I don't want a take of it. That would just not be right.

[Big Mama]

Brook, that was such a pretty song. I remember that song from long ago and I really like it. Sometimes songs say more then words huh. Thank you for that.