[Spike87]

Hi all,

As the thread's title explains, I'm looking for advice on the best way to tell my wife that I want a divorce. She has numerous mental health issues including: anger problems; OCD; hearing voices/seeing visions of causing me serious physical harm; seeing hallucinations. Last year, she has also hit me on two different occasions. I have been trying to hold our marriage together for almost two years and have gone with her to many different medical appointments, but I simply can't take it anymore. What makes things harder is that my wife has been somewhat better over the past three months, clearly loves me and will quite possibly want to end her life when she finds out my intentions (she has attempted suicide in her past). She is distraught with herself for hurting me in the past and will blame herself for everything. Unfortunately, I can't keep 'taking her back' and pretending everything's ok. I feel that a line had been crossed when she hit me, and for my own health, safety, and sanity I must leave. My question is how?

Talking with her alone is out of the question as I fear that she might seek to harm herself, and perhaps me too. Because of this, I've planned to tell her next week when she's visiting her family for a couple of days: this way she'll have a network of support around her who can help care for her. I planned on telling her over the phone/Skype, but fear this may not be best for her. I've been advised that I could turn up at her parents' house, tell her, and then leave with a friend, but I think this will seem just as out of the blue and shocking to her as talking on the phone. Moreover, her parents are conservative Christians and view divorce as a cardinal sin: I imagine they'll be unhelpful at best and confrontational at worst.

Any advice will be gladly received.

Ok, I would tell her before she goes to her families place and not like 10 minutes before either. She deserves to know, and she deserves it be told in a respectful mannor. Over the phone would be extremely harsh. Telling her while she is at her parents is also harsh. Imagine that it was you, how would you like to be told? If you do this while she is at her parents that could be humiliating for her, and not give her anytime to regroup herself.

You can't just show up at her parents with a friend run in and tell her you are divorceing her and then take off. She will likely have stuff she needs to say or ask you. Yes she has problems but she is still human. She is going to her families house so hopefully she will be safe. I guess just think about how you would want this handled if it were you in her position. It's not easy to tell someone you want a divorce, I know that. I wish you luck and I hope your wife will hear what you have to say and remain safe. If she hits you you can leave. You cam call someone for help.

Sometimes we underestimate our partners. I know for certain that my boyfriend used to think I wouldn't survive with out him, or may harm myself if he ever left. I ended up being the one who broke it off, and I was ok. I was strong even tho it was hard. I have mental Heath issues and previous suicide attempts as well. My boyfriend who does not have these issues was not ok tho, I still offered him some support and let him know that if he wa going to do anything harmful to call me, I would help him get help, not get back together, just help because I did care about him. if he had called it off, I would not have harmed myself, despite what he may have thought.

So just do not under estimate her ability to deal with the situation.

[Leed]

This is difficult. I would NOT tell her when she's alone. Like you said, you don't know what she's capable of. Is she seeing a therapist? If she is, would it be possible to go to a session with her and tell her in the presence of the therapist?

Have you tried marriage counseling, or is it beyond that now? It might not even work with her if she's too ill.

I'm sure you know that she's a very sick person, and when she hit you it wasn't something that she could necessarily control. She might even need to be inpatient in a hospital mental health ward depending on the seriousness of her condition.

And remember that you might be viewed as an "ogre" for divorcing her when she's so sick. I mention this for your sake. If you plan on staying in the same area, friends might avoid you for leaving her in her hour of 'need.'

I wish I could give you more advice, but like I said this is difficult when she's so sick. Best of luck & please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Spike87]

Thank you both for the replies.

Anika, I hear what your saying, but you don't know my wife: a couple of months ago we talked about separation and she started seeing 'monsters' and had a panic attack. I buckled under the pressure and managed to calm her down by telling her I wouldn't go.

Leed, thanks for the support. I definitely can't tell her alone. I feel marriage counselling is no good to us now. After she hit me it was as if she crossed a line that changed my view of our relationship for good. I've tried for months to ignore my desire to leave her and return to how things used to be but I just can't do it. I'm aware that I might be seen as an 'ogre' by some people - I feel like a bastard myself for wanting to leaver her. I've wrestled with this for months, fantasised about suicide, and have recently received counselling to help me with the guilt of wanting to go - but it's still not easy!

If anyone else has any thoughts on how to end this marriage I'd be eager to hear.

No I don't know your wife. I do experience psychosis. But I hear what you are saying. I don't know what is best here because well, as Leed suggests to tell her in the presence of her therapist, I think that would be quite humiliating, being told you are being divorced infront of others, even your therapist.

I'm really sorry that you feel so guilty. I do understand, we all have our limits in our relationships. Have you talked to your counsellor about how to break it off?

[Open Eyes]

Is she seeing a therapist? Because if she is, I would make and appointment with her therapist and talk with him/her about your intentions and that you have made up your mind but do not want her to hurt herself over it.

Open Eyes

[Aslan]

make sure she is the last person to know

Aslan, Why make sure she is the last person to know? People with MI still need to be treated with dignity and respect, just like everyone else. I don't really know any adults who enjoy being treated with kiddie gloves.

What is your wife dx with? Or does she have a diagnosis? I think there must be a way to do this and make sure she is safe yet still respects that she is a person first and foremost. If she has a therapist, contacting them as OpenEyes suggested might be a good idea.

[Scotty204]

I hear you buddy, abuse is abuse and if you have been hit that is a big NO NO. I certainly do not or would not stand for any kind of physical abuse. Once that line is crossed I agree it's very hard to move forward. I know you're scared to tell her in person but it's the right way to handle it out of respect for the woman you married. I wish you luck and please update us on how it went.

[Gaberiel]

That is a tough one, but you should be face to face, I would suggest having her therapist involved. It sounds like you have your decision, so do it respectfully and walk away. Do as much as you can to make sure she has the support, but keep your safety in mind.

[faerie_moon_x]

I agree with Open Eyes about the therapist, except maybe tell her with her therapist there. Like, set up a therapy session to do this. Explain to the therapist before the appointment, so they are aware, and let them know you are afraid she will harm herself or you. I think it would be important to have a mental health professional on hand.

[Spike87]

Thank you for the replies everyone. I'd not considered getting a therapist involved - it sounds like some good advice. Thanks again all.

[Alley80]

She is manipulating you and controlling you to stay. Familar, sounds like a friend's ex-wife. She never killed herself but started a horribly ugly war against him when she could not manipulate him anymore to stay with her. She contested the divorce and when she could not stop it, she used the children as hostages to manipulate him again. You gotta get out but protect yourself. Hope no children are involved.

[sunrise]

I think you should tell her with her therapist present. I told my (ex-)husband I wanted to divorce him with my therapist present. The therapist helped the conversation take place safely and civilly. If it's possible to somehow first give your wife's T a heads up about what the content of the discussion will be, that could be quite helpful. Good luck.

[oldyellowcar]

OMG, your situation is SO MUCH like mine, I freaked when I read yours and then just registered for this site so I could reply.

First of all, I would not use the remote approach, definitely need in person, even if it is horrific. There's no good way to do this.

Second, do not waver. I also struggled for a long time on "when is it enough". Advice given to me, repeated here, "wait long enough so that you won't ever look back and second guess your decision." GREAT advice.

Third, I didn't even realize that my wife had developed a substance abuse problem, I was an enabler, I just didn't get it. Incredible how stupid I was. So, my advice: get outside feedback, ASK for it, and DO NOT BE INSULTED if it is not good. I never got that. I was left to fend for myself and just didn't know what I was not seeing.

Originally Posted by Spike87

Hi all,

As the thread's title explains, I'm looking for advice on the best way to tell my wife that I want a divorce. She has numerous mental health issues including: anger problems; OCD; hearing voices/seeing visions of causing me serious physical harm; seeing hallucinations. Last year, she has also hit me on two different occasions. I have been trying to hold our marriage together for almost two years and have gone with her to many different medical appointments, but I simply can't take it anymore. What makes things harder is that my wife has been somewhat better over the past three months, clearly loves me and will quite possibly want to end her life when she finds out my intentions (she has attempted suicide in her past). She is distraught with herself for hurting me in the past and will blame herself for everything. Unfortunately, I can't keep 'taking her back' and pretending everything's ok. I feel that a line had been crossed when she hit me, and for my own health, safety, and sanity I must leave. My question is how?

Talking with her alone is out of the question as I fear that she might seek to harm herself, and perhaps me too. Because of this, I've planned to tell her next week when she's visiting her family for a couple of days: this way she'll have a network of support around her who can help care for her. I planned on telling her over the phone/Skype, but fear this may not be best for her. I've been advised that I could turn up at her parents' house, tell her, and then leave with a friend, but I think this will seem just as out of the blue and shocking to her as talking on the phone. Moreover, her parents are conservative Christians and view divorce as a cardinal sin: I imagine they'll be unhelpful at best and confrontational at worst.

Any advice will be gladly received.

[Piraeus]

This rings a bell because I was the mentally unstable one. When she found out I was schizophrenic, she wanted a divorce immediately. She said she was scared of me. I don't understand that at all. I admit my behavior was strange, but I would never hurt anyone.
I don't want to talk about this any more........sorry