[cc1120]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time joining a forum, and I thought it would be a good way to communicate with others on a troubling situation that is currently affecting me.

I am 25 years old and I just recently got out of an engagement. We were together for a little over 3 1/2 years, and were engaged for 8 1/2 months. While I was giving him space over a weekend per his request, he moved out all of his belongings while I was at work. Despite our miscommunications, I did not see this coming. We had seen a couples/marriage counselor twice before this incident, so we only skimmed the surface and did not have the opportunity to go deeper into our problems. I feel like he ran away when times became tough, leaving me to pick up the pieces. It all began when I wanted to postpone our wedding for next summer, to establish ourselves in our new careers, have a good financial cushion, and take our time. We both had just started new jobs and we both were stressed. On top of this, my grandparents just lost their home to foreclosure and it became strenuous on the whole family. This is when we would get into arguments. He felt like I was too stressed and not handling my emotions well, and I felt like he wasn't being supportive. He started closing off, becoming distant, and blaming me for things that were out of my control. His moods were extremely unpredictable and I never knew what I was going to get. I began questioning his erratic behavior when he wanted to spend money on things that were unnecessary . What used to be "my money is your money, and your money is mine," quickly became what he wanted to spend his money on.

It has now been close to two months since we have been separated. I do not know where he currently lives, the only communication that has been made was the finalization of our lease and belongings, and the occasional communication that I will make in attempts to understand and fix things. He has been incredibly callous, demanding, and harsh. It is difficult for me to let this go, as I was blindsided and never thought this would happen. If I had it my way, I would like to work through this together as a couple and move forward into the next stages of our lives.

Is this a case of cold feet? Please advise.

[H3rmit]

I know it hurts now, but you dodged a bullet; one day you will probably be grateful.

Originally Posted by cc1120

Hello everyone,

This is my first time joining a forum, and I thought it would be a good way to communicate with others on a troubling situation that is currently affecting me.

I am 25 years old and I just recently got out of an engagement. We were together for a little over 3 1/2 years, and were engaged for 8 1/2 months. While I was giving him space over a weekend per his request, he moved out all of his belongings while I was at work. Despite our miscommunications, I did not see this coming. We had seen a couples/marriage counselor twice before this incident, so we only skimmed the surface and did not have the opportunity to go deeper into our problems. I feel like he ran away when times became tough, leaving me to pick up the pieces. It all began when I wanted to postpone our wedding for next summer, to establish ourselves in our new careers, have a good financial cushion, and take our time. We both had just started new jobs and we both were stressed. On top of this, my grandparents just lost their home to foreclosure and it became strenuous on the whole family. This is when we would get into arguments. He felt like I was too stressed and not handling my emotions well, and I felt like he wasn't being supportive. He started closing off, becoming distant, and blaming me for things that were out of my control. His moods were extremely unpredictable and I never knew what I was going to get. I began questioning his erratic behavior when he wanted to spend money on things that were unnecessary . What used to be "my money is your money, and your money is mine," quickly became what he wanted to spend his money on.

It has now been close to two months since we have been separated. I do not know where he currently lives, the only communication that has been made was the finalization of our lease and belongings, and the occasional communication that I will make in attempts to understand and fix things. He has been incredibly callous, demanding, and harsh. It is difficult for me to let this go, as I was blindsided and never thought this would happen. If I had it my way, I would like to work through this together as a couple and move forward into the next stages of our lives.

Is this a case of cold feet? Please advise.

I'm sorry you had to go through this uncertainty. Your boyfriend wasn't being an adult. You seem level headed and practical about the situations that were there. I think it is his way of saying he doesn't want to commit. How hurtful this must be for you. If he is making it so you can't communicate then it most likely means he doesn't want to work things out.
warm thoughts

[luvinglife2012]

I agree with H3rmit, you are better off. You already know what just went down, you clearly stated it in your post. He ran! Let him go. What he did was wrong and cowardly, yet at the same time I have to say he got scared. He handled it immaturely and without considering your feelings. I am so sorry!

Are you still seeing the marriage counselor? Maybe a little therapy for you is best? Just to get your feet on firm ground.

[Leed]

I have to agree with H3rmit too! If this is how he behaves when times are tough (and he calls THIS tough???) then Lord only knows what will happen when he's faced with a REAL crisis!

Dearheart, this guy is unstable, big time. I don't know if he needs therapy, or what, but you really DID dodge the bullet. I know you're hurting right now, but in the long run you WILL be glad this happened when it did! If you had been married, and he had taken off, you'd be in a world of hurt with all the bills, etc., left for YOU to take care of.

You need to just move on. The hurt will subside in time. Keep yourself busy, go out with friends, and have a good time. Don't sit home grieving for this guy because he just isn't worth it. He certainly didn't take YOUR feeling into account when he left!

I wish you the very best, my friend. Please take care of you -- and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[cc1120]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I do feel at though he has a lot of instability going on within him Leed. I was seeing our marriage counselor, but I feel as though it would be wise for me to see another counselor Luvinglife2012. The challenge that I now face, Is that I see him on Wednesday nights at our meditation classes that we used to attend as a couple. He was not going a couple of weeks after our separation and then of suddenly appeared. The basis of this class is to be fully in the present moment and to show others basic goodness, kindness, and compassion in order to develop an enlightened society. I feel as though him being there is not genuine and is contradictory of his true actions. He might be there to help relieve some guilt, but overall I don't feel the sincerity. I have contemplated not going, but I do not want to stop doing something that is benefiting my well being. I have been kind and patient through all of this, and I do not believe in being malicious towards him.
Being there with him builds hope that we will reconcile, just only on his terms.

[BonnieG2010]

If I were you, I would stop the meditation classes for a while. I bet he will stop too. And then you'll be free to attend again.
I would make clear with my actions, as well as with my words, that I do not wish not only to encourage but not even to stand a coward who comes in when you are not there to take his stuff away.

You are so upset because you are suffering from a kind of double shock: the first being the separation and the second the abruptness of it.

I would stay away from him as much as you can, heal your wounds, try to understand that maybe your relationship was not safe before he went away.
You seem to think that working on things will make them ok, in time. Not always, i'm afraid. You must be in the frame of mind of really wanting to change yourself to save the relationship.
Looks like he did not think this way.

And, if I may add, i guess you should rethink your idea that all kind of problems can be solved. Many times it's much better to let go of that partner, because the work involved to keep the relationship going would be too much.

I think he was not the right person for you and once you will recover from the shock of the loss and how you lost your relationship, you will probably thank him.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by cc1120

If I had it my way, I would like to work through this together as a couple and move forward into the next stages of our lives.

As many people have said, be happy that it happened when it did, before kids/mortgage together and all kinds of enmeshment.

I think you need therapy for yourself. The meditation class you have been going to is not helping you. I cannot do meditation, unfortunately, because I get bored, but I have gone to meditation classes and have read about meditation. So my understanding is that the meditation is supposed to help you be in the moment and accept your present reality "as is", more or less, and you are, instead, desirous of changing the reality in very drastic ways. Given what the guy did, there is clearly no point in moving forward with him into the next stages of your life. It would take a miracle to change the guy. So in addition to seconding Bonnie's suggestion to avoid the meditation class for awhile in order to avoid seeing the guy, I suggest that you reconsider going to the meditation class altogether because it has not been shown to be effective, in your case.

Since you write about career success, it also seems to me that you might be a high achiever driven to want to face extreme challenges. Yes?

To work it through with him would be an extreme challenge. It is much easier to find another man. If you have the drive to overcome extreme challenges, you probably need therapy to help you refocus the drive on something less personal - say, on choosing the most difficult projects at work. At work, your choosing and then successfully dealing with the most important project may lead to something positive - the respect of your colleagues and managers, promotions etc. In your personal life, even if, with the help of a miracle, you could go to the next stages of your life with this guy, I doubt that you will get any gratification from it.

Again, to second H3rmit, please be grateful that you do not have children with him!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by cc1120

Hello everyone,

This is my first time joining a forum, and I thought it would be a good way to communicate with others on a troubling situation that is currently affecting me.

his erratic behavior when he wanted to spend money on things that were unnecessary . What used to be "my money is your money, and your money is mine," quickly became what he wanted to spend his money on.

. He has been incredibly callous, demanding, and harsh. It is difficult for me to let this go, as I was blindsided and never thought this would happen. If I had it my way, I would like to work through this together as a couple and move forward into the next stages of our lives.

Is this a case of cold feet? Please advise.

Coming from a once very troubled marriage. The money factor, huge!! Where to even begin, how that would hard to fix through marriage. Granted, no one really strives to 'change someone in marriage'(thinking about that old cliché, 'you can't change them'), to me, that means, once they are behaving like this, they more than likely will never change.

That would be a very uphill, climbing Mt Everest, type of battle you two would have for the rest of your lives, or until you decided, one day, enough is enough, I've had enough, I cannot live like this, etc.

Cold feet? Or, I realize how painful breaking up is, but my gut says good riddance, you deserve more than someone, who is unwilling to compromise financially, especially when they are 'erratic' in their spending behaviors.

((just speaking from experience, about this...I wouldn't wish what I went through in marriage, on anyone--including my own worst enemy. I tried and tried to please, be perfect, do everything right, be as compassionate as I possibly could, turning the other cheek and on and on and on...it's not practical.))