[lovingstrangers]

I just had a break-up. Its been 3months. It was my fault, my girlfriend loved me, and I cheated on her with my ex-boyfriend. I did it on purpose. I wanted to push her apart with no reason. I started to feel like I am stuck here forever. I used to get panic attacts just by thinking of all this. This same thing happned when I was dating my ex-boyfriend. My relation was perfect, there was love and care. I don't know why I always push people apart who love me. I hurt people and myself. I miss her so much. Don't know why I do that always. When I push people I feel like its the right thing to do. Done this before. I push them, and when they are completely out of my life, I miss them. I feel so guilty and alone. Worst thing is I can't talk to anyone about it. I am a bisexual, and nobody from my family or friend knows about it. I live in such a place where even love marriage is a sin, so this is a much bigger thing. Am I scared to accept the reality? Or is it just my looser attitude? I feel like there is a devil inside me trying to destroy every happiness in my life. I feel so low about myself. Such a horrible person.
I know there is no way she is comming back to me. How can I change myself and not be an asshole?? Why on earth I do that always??

[angelmichael09]

Originally Posted by lovingstrangers

I just had a break-up. Its been 3months. It was my fault, my girlfriend loved me, and I cheated on her with my ex-boyfriend. I did it on purpose. I wanted to push her apart with no reason. I started to feel like I am stuck here forever. I used to get panic attacts just by thinking of all this. This same thing happned when I was dating my ex-boyfriend. My relation was perfect, there was love and care. I don't know why I always push people apart who love me. I hurt people and myself. I miss her so much. Don't know why I do that always. When I push people I feel like its the right thing to do. Done this before. I push them, and when they are completely out of my life, I miss them. I feel so guilty and alone. Worst thing is I can't talk to anyone about it. I am a bisexual, and nobody from my family or friend knows about it. I live in such a place where even love marriage is a sin, so this is a much bigger thing. Am I scared to accept the reality? Or is it just my looser attitude? I feel like there is a devil inside me trying to destroy every happiness in my life. I feel so low about myself. Such a horrible person.
I know there is no way she is comming back to me. How can I change myself and not be an asshole?? Why on earth I do that always??

OK horrible person...can you think of a way to beg them to come back about all I know of since i am heterosexual and married to a wonderful man....

[WindGuru]

I can't pretend to solve your problems, but I understand how badly you must be feeling right now.

You're not a horrible person though. A good exercise someone recommended to me is to list the pros and cons (honestly) of feeling like a "horrible person", as opposed to a "person with horrible problems". I think you'll find that you're the later. Honestly speaking, I'd seek the help of a therapist. Without presuming too much, perhaps you have some deep-seated fear of rejection or low self esteem that leaves you feel victimised or lacking appreciation.

I know exactly what you mean about having a "devil inside you". There are definitely dark parts of us that we can struggle to accept. I think that, in the end, it's best not to reject those parts of you though. They might not be nice, but everyone has them, and bringing them to light and accepting them allows you peace of mind, and the ability to challenge them.

I really feel for your situation. Understand that it's never entirely your fault. It might not be what you want to hear now sweetheart, but everyone learns lessons in life, sometimes hard ones. As Rocky said, it's not about how hard you can hit, but how hard you can GET hit, and keep moving forwards. The fact you've made such loving relationships before will mean you can do the same in the future.

And hey, the fact you're posting here means you're willing to take the first steps. I believe in you! You are a good, sweet person at heart I'm sure.

[lovingstrangers]

Originally Posted by angelmichael09

OK horrible person...can you think of a way to beg them to come back about all I know of since i am heterosexual and married to a wonderful man....

I have tried a lot of times. She is unable to forgive.. i guess I don't even deserve forgiveness.

[lovingstrangers]

Originally Posted by WindGuru

I can't pretend to solve your problems, but I understand how badly you must be feeling right now.

You're not a horrible person though. A good exercise someone recommended to me is to list the pros and cons (honestly) of feeling like a "horrible person", as opposed to a "person with horrible problems". I think you'll find that you're the later. Honestly speaking, I'd seek the help of a therapist. Without presuming too much, perhaps you have some deep-seated fear of rejection or low self esteem that leaves you feel victimised or lacking appreciation.

I know exactly what you mean about having a "devil inside you". There are definitely dark parts of us that we can struggle to accept. I think that, in the end, it's best not to reject those parts of you though. They might not be nice, but everyone has them, and bringing them to light and accepting them allows you peace of mind, and the ability to challenge them.

I really feel for your situation. Understand that it's never entirely your fault. It might not be what you want to hear now sweetheart, but everyone learns lessons in life, sometimes hard ones. As Rocky said, it's not about how hard you can hit, but how hard you can GET hit, and keep moving forwards. The fact you've made such loving relationships before will mean you can do the same in the future.

And hey, the fact you're posting here means you're willing to take the first steps. I believe in you! You are a good, sweet person at heart I'm sure.

Thanks for your reply. Really wanted to talk to someone.. It makes sense, everything you said. I have to stay positive. I just wish people whom I have hurt in the past forgive me one day.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. You certainly are NOT a horrible person! God made you the way you are, so you MUST be good! You just have a bit of a problem that needs some help.

Have your doctor refer you to a good therapist. You do need to talk to someone who can help you and a therapist would be the right person! There could be something from your childhood that causes you to push people away that get too close. You're not the only person who does that, my friend. So please don't feel alone!!!

I urge you to speak to your doctor so he can refer you. I know you'll feel so much better when you get into therapy. I wish you the very best. Please take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[HabitualQuitter]

I understand all of this. It reminds of when I was a teenager. I am grown (30) and married now (hetero but I still get attracted to women sometimes, I never act on it though in 2011 had an emotional affair [hetero - that I never told my husband about]). I am certain it would only cause more harm than good to tell him. We were on the brink of divorce and he knew how detached I was. Im convinced that all of my feeling were real but it was the lack of morality and this man that was just was everything I'd ever wanted. Now past it all I see that God has grown my husband into that same man and I feel guilty. But I still stand firm in my decision not to tell my husband. I can see now the Bipolar in it. The rush, the fun, spontaneity but I fell in love with another man I agree talking to a T will help. I know you want forgiveness, but mist importantly you have to start with forgiving yourself. Easier said than done, I know. Obviously I am not there yet but that's my first goal. I can't make anyone do or feel anything, but I can work on me, understanding me, loving me and ultimately forgiving me. Keep your head up. It isn't over yet.

i empathise with u horrible person...jus havent seem to figure out a way to come to terms with it, myself.
i take something beautiful and go out of my way to wreck it....i think to a certain extent....i enjoy the grief and drama....