[Rhapsody]

I finally had the big "D" talk with my husband of 30 years because I feel that we no longer work together, have become two very different people, have grown apart, fight to much, and just clearly do not like each other as we need to even though we care for one another......... NOW WHAT?

Do I stay and see what happens?
Do I move into the guest room for a while?
Do I pack my bags and leave for a friends house?
Do I file for a legal separation for the time being to keep insurance?

..... I am numb and lost.

[eskielover]

From the voice of experience who left after 33 years of being married.....

Do I stay and see what happens?

I tried that for the last 13 years of those 33 years...it was miserable & the fighting doesn't get better so by the time I did leave I would end up seeing red when I had to deal with him....& the dislike turned to hate.....not good IMO...but I was trapped there. I got out a few times during those years but it was my house too & I didn't feel like I should be the one to give it up either & we couldn't sell the house several times during that period of time because of the economy starting even then.....I was very suicidal during the first part of that with the loss of my career I had no place to escape my bad marriage. By the end, there was also physical abuse beyond the emotional I had dealt with all my married life.

Do I move into the guest room for a while?

Like I said previously....not unless you are trapped there & can't do anything else because it only got worse for me

Do I pack my bags and leave for a friends house?

Probably the best idea so you can get away & sort through your thoughts & feelings....it's hard to do that when you are in the middle of a bad marriage.....be able to think more clearly & see a bigger picture.

Do I file for a legal separation for the time being to keep insurance?

I would talk with a divorce attorney & see if you can get insurance if you file for divorce....they usually have a free consultation.....they they charge you an arm & a leg....more so in California......$3000 the one I started there......but now that I left & doing an out of state divorce it's only $750 & whatever it takes to do the QDRO. If staying separated is better for you financially....they I would say, stay separated...unless he can end up hurting you financially the way my STBXH has done. I can't trust him to communicate & he's always been STUPID about anything financial....but if you don't have that issue....then separation can be the best solution.

[Rhapsody]

Thanks for the reply...... separation for me would prob be the best thing atm as I do not work and have not worked for the last ten years --my husband has been the main financial provider for the marriage and our family over the last thirty years. We are both good people - he is not all that bad with other people, we just dont work together any more with each other, therefore, I feel its best we go our separate ways so we can still co-exist for our two adult kids and grand-kids.

I am presently talking to friends and family members online about a place to stay.

[Rhapsody]

NOW!! --how to tell the KIDS??????????
Adults, Males - 23 & 28 --both live in our same town.

[eskielover]

LOL....my daughter grew up with all the fighting between us.....when I told her, it was sort of like....it's about time....but she was still in high school when my depression & suicide attempts & the first time I left.....so nothing was a surprise to her.......& her attitude has always been you have to do what you have to do for your own well being.

Your kids probably won't be as surprised as you think they will...kids are a lot more observant than we think they are.

[Rhapsody]

True...... kids are smarter than we give them credit for. And both boys are grown men now and hopefully they will be able to accept that both their father and I need to be happy and some times this need needs to happen with us being apart. Our four year granddaughter that spends every weekend with us will have the greatest adjustment with this change out of all the family members.

[eskielover]

Does your H agree that this is a good idea? My H's comment was that he never thought I would leave, he thought I would continue tolerating him for the rest of our lives.

Also found out why he fought the divorce thing so much because he commented when I left that a divorce would make him look like a failure......duh.....ya think.....that's exactly what he was....he failed as a husband big time which was exactly why I left & exactly why I'd had 2nd thoughts even before I married him.

[Rhapsody]

My husband wouldnt say much of any thing..... just kept on asking what I wanted to do or what I thought about staying or leaving. The few things he did say was that he had a lot on his shoulders and needed help, and that he agreed I deserved better.

[Rhapsody]

I feel awful today...... tired of crying --now I am numb.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

Thanks for the reply...... separation for me would prob be the best thing atm as I do not work and have not worked for the last ten years --my husband has been the main financial provider for the marriage and our family over the last thirty years. We are both good people - he is not all that bad with other people, we just dont work together any more with each other, therefore, I feel its best we go our separate ways so we can still co-exist for our two adult kids and grand-kids.

I am presently talking to friends and family members online about a place to stay.

Does your state offer alimony? To use it, to get back on your feet? Are you staying, due to financial dependence?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I would talk with a divorce attorney & see if you can get insurance if you file for divorce.

I had health insurance, written into my divorce. Due to having MS, I was concerned with the what-if's, cost of MS meds, potential mobility devices, etc, etc...all that comes with having such an illness. Staying married, just was no longer an option.

It remains, until he retires, or I remarry. He's still responsible if he leaves his employer.

[almostthere]

I was married for some thirty eight years to a wonderful woman.
I had everything a man could want but over time, the challenges that I had to deal with wore me down and my ex-wife and I grew slowly apart in our relationship. Like u, we were arguing all the time about some of the most mundane things. I became angry at her and she began to love me less and less.She even went so far as to say to me how I would live alone on my own. That really hurt me as a man and was a clear indication that our marraige was in deep trouble.

Anyway, On your points regarding what u should do I offer the followign advice:

U say...
Do I stay and see what happens?
My answer...
If you're not happy, leave.
U say...
Do I move in the guest room for a while?
My answer...
Yes. Being in the presence of each other will only make matters worse.
U say...
Do I pack my bags and leave for a friends house?
My answer...
If u trust your friend then go for it.
And my answer to ur last question...
Yes, file for a legal separation for insurance purposes. That's a necessity.

Hope this helps u and good luck either way.,

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

I finally had the big "D" talk with my husband of 30 years because I feel that we no longer work together, have become two very different people, have grown apart, fight to much, and just clearly do not like each other as we need to even though we care for one another......... NOW WHAT?

Do I stay and see what happens?
Do I move into the guest room for a while?
Do I pack my bags and leave for a friends house?
Do I file for a legal separation for the time being to keep insurance?

..... I am numb and lost.

[hannabee]

I have been married for 32 years and the same thing is happening here between my husband and I (kids are gone now). Just stupid, petty disagreements that make me upset enough to want some peace!!! PM me if you want, maybe we can offer some support to each other. I actually have all the same questions you do, but NO GUEST ROOM!! argggggg

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Does your state offer alimony? To use it, to get back on your feet? Are you staying, due to financial dependence?

Yes, I have stayed far longer than I should have due to financial dependency. I am not sure what my state laws are concerning alimony, but I was not going for divorce right away --just separation at the moment so I can keep the insurance for my many medications and doctors visits I have every six months.

[healingme4me]

I hear that. Separation, can be a good way, also to test the waters in the notion of seeing if each of you truly wants the finality of a divorce, to be able to see financially how things will work, etc.