[haier]

I never in a million years thought I would be going through divorce. I made so many sacrifices to keep my family together. This is so hard for me to deal with. I still love my husband very much. He hurt me so much. I never thought he would hurt me the way he did. I miss him terribly. I still have so much love in my heart for him. Everyday i think of him, what he's doing, if he's happy now...i look at my girls and think of him. When i cook i think of him. I did everything for him..i wonder how he's getting by. Then i feel angry and sad because i think he really is happy now. It's so unfair. All my dreams were shattered in an instant. We were even planning a baby...thank God i take care of myself or else i'd be pregnant dealing with all of this. I don't understand how he could do what he did. The betrayal. The lies. He says he loves me but i can't believe him after all he's done. I can't go back. I feel so humiliated. I feel like a piece of trash. Everybody tells me to just let go, that it's his loss...to see this as taking out the trash out of my life. I hate myself for loving him so much. He was my first everything. I'm having such a hard time seeing my future without him. Feel so hopeless..and i hate myself for thinking this way. Then i remember how much he hurt me and a tornado of emotions overwhelm me. Sometimes i want to run faraway..but i can't. Everybody tells me to give myself time but sometimes i feel so desperate. I pray to God..that he take this love away..make me indifferent. Give me strength. It's so hard to let go. Everything came crashing down on me with fury....i'm trying to do all the things you're supposed to..i know it's not easy but does anybody have any suggestions on how to let go..how to feel better? I have no contact with him..my choice. I don't want to reconcile..i'm too hurt. I want to move on and let go. I don't think i will ever trust again....i'm here because of kids. I'm strong for them. I'm fighting for them. But i want to be able to do it for me too.

[shezbut]

(((haier)))

I am sorry that you're in such pain.

I can relate to the pain involved in ending a long-time, fully invested relationship. There are reminders of the love everywhere around you. Where you live, the furniture, clothes, all sorts of momentos surround us. It has taken me several years to be able to look at certain things without bringing up memories and difficult emotions inside of me. Of course, our children are never-ending reminders to me as well.

It does become easier as time passes. I can assure you of that. It takes time. It takes moving on yourself eventually, emotionally. I would recommend that you see a counselor to help you work through these thoughts and emotions that you're struggling with inside. You do need to achieve some sense of closure ~ whether or not you choose to forgive him. That takes time & support.

[haier]

Shezbut,

I appreciate your kind and helpful words. I'm a mess. I do have a therapist.
I have to apologize though. I feel so weak minded. H called today, i will be seeing him tomorrow to talk. Don't know what to think anymore. I'm so confused.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. I do understand, but don't give in. Hold on to you DIGNITY. If you cave in you'll have given up your dignity, and for WHAT? So that he can hurt you all over again? So that he can play those games all over again, and break your heart once more? Don't go thru it again -- once is enough!

Keep what self-esteem you have now! Don't give up any more, or you won't have any left! It's hard to regain our self-esteem once it's lost. These men have a way of stomping on our self-esteem and leaviing us in pieces. Don't go back to him. Hold onto what you have!

Time DOES help heal -- and you WILL feel better in time. But don't give in. Stay strong for your girls. Make sure they KNOW that women shouldn't be treated like this! Otherwise, they too will end up weak and allow themselves to be treated badly. Don't allow that!. Show them that you're STRONG and that you CAN do this on your own! And you CAN. And if the girls are minors make sure he PAYS FOR THEIR KEEP! Make sure he pays child support, and if he doesn't, then contact the proper authorities!!

Best of luck, my friend and God bless! We're behind you. Hugs, Lee