[davmid]

The day I told her I was willing to do whatever it took to work things out was the day she said she wanted to stay separated indefinitely. We'd been apart for a month. Over the next two months, I lost nearly everything that was ever important to me and I finally figured out that I had been pushing her away due to my chronic depression that I was previously unable to figure out. I knew something was wrong with me but thought it was just the awful person I had turned into and had no idea how to get my old self back or how to save my marriage.

Now that I better understand what was happening to me and what I was doing because of it, the pain has been so intense and I can't seem to get past it. I can't let go of all the things I never meant to or never wanted to lose. Especially her and the precious time I had left with my 2 teens.

And there's no way to get her back. Two months after she told me she wanted to stay separated, she found someone else and it's been devastating to think about my one true love being with another. She says she's as shocked as anybody- that she never expected something like this to happen.

This past weekend they went away together. That first trip away with a new love is an unforgettable life event. It stays with you forever (I know...) And now she has that with another man. And I have nightmares about it even when I'm awake.

I have no way to recover what I've lost and I have no idea how to move forward.

[Leed]

Oh dear Davmid ~ PLEASE -- see your doctor. You need some help my friend. You're in a DEEP depression and an antidepressant would help you immensely. Oh sure, therapy is ideal, but that would take too long, and you need help NOW. An antidepressant would take a short time to begin working, and that's what you need right now!!!

Don't worry about side effects -- they usually go away, and if they're too severe, then the doc will switch you to something else. Believe me, it's worth trying!!! Ask your doc for an antidepressant that doesn't take long to begin working. Some take as long as 6 weeks to begin! YOU DON'T NEED THAT. You need one that takes just a few days, and there ARE some that work that fast! PLEASE ask him for one like that, okay?

Then you'll be able to think more clearly, and figure out how you're going to move on. You NEED to be there for your children. They NEED their Dad!!
And you've got to be thinking clearly for THEM.

So see your doctor, okay? I wish you all the best my friend. God bless you and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs, Lee

[davmid]

Thanks Lee,

I started taking Welbutrin 2-1/2 weeks ago. Doc said it should start helping in about 2. I think it is helping a bit. I've had 1 or 2 kinda clear days. I spend every other week with the kids at my house (W and I split our time btwn the house and an apartment for now) and when I'm with them, I range from really sad to pretty good. The last two times I was with them I had to spend most of my time fixing up my house because I now have to sell it. The weeks away from them are horrible.

[Leed]

I'm sure it IS difficult being away from them my friend. But think about how THEY feel. It's got to be pretty awful for THEM too.

When you're with them, try to concentrate JUST on them. If you can put the house on the back burner, do it -- and just pay attention to the kids. After all, your time with them is limited, and they want your FULL attention. They deserve it too, because the kids are ALWAYS the ones who get hurt the worse in a divorce.

My daughter and her husband divorced when my granddaughter was 7 years old. She's 17 now, and she's been in therapy for 2 years. She should have been in therapy much sooner, but I didn't have control of her until 2 years ago. My daughter didn't notice she was depressed, and when she came to visit me, she was always happy. But when she came to live with me, she told me she'd been depressed and asked for therapy -- and I immediately put her in. It was all due to the divorce! I knew she missed her Dad, but he'd been a dead beat. I'm sure that's not the case with you. My point is tho that divorce DOES hurt the children and it can last a LONG time.

Children often times feel guilty about their parents divorcing even tho you tell them time and time again that it's NOT their fault! They think that if they hadn't been born, the two of you would still be married. They think that they are too expensive. They think ALL kinds of terrible things. You've got your work cut out for you to make sure they KNOW that they are NOT the cause of the divorce!

Like i said, spend all your time with THEM. Put the house on the back burner. they'll love you to death for it. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[davmid]

Originally Posted by Leed

Like i said, spend all your time with THEM. Put the house on the back burner. they'll love you to death for it. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Thanks Lee,
Unfortunately I had to get the house on the market due to the financial strain of having the house plus an apartment. That burden on my time has eased up a bit now. The house went on the market today.

I've been very conscious of making sure the kids are doing okay as we're going through this. They are 14 and 16 and have a pretty good handle on things but I definitely make sure to keep checking with them to see where they are and what they're feeling. I ask them to describe to me their version of what's happening and we talk about that and I ask them to tell me about things they want to know more about. We have dinners together at home and sometimes out and I make sure we do fun things together as well. Hiking, basketball, movies, etc. I've always spent a lot of time with them and now everything seems so much more important.

It will be much more difficult for them once the house sells. So far they've lived at the house while W and I have gone back and forth. I'm worried about that but we've had many discussions about it and have been trying to figure out how to make it as comfortable as possible for them.

[healingme4me]

That's all you can do. Divorce is a struggle. Been through it as a child, and as an adult.

I, on a personal level, didn't care for the constant reminders that it wasn't my 'fault'. Of course, it wasn't my 'fault', that my parents divorced. It was one of those, if my therapist says that one more time, types of feelings. It was clear, to me, even at 9/10, what went wrong.

My struggles, came at the introduction of new people to the picture, namely stepparents, and how stepparents decided to be...another story, another day, Dave. But yeah, was glad to not see my parents fight in home.

Hope all goes well with the home on the market

[davmid]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

That's all you can do. Divorce is a struggle. Been through it as a child, and as an adult.

Yep, I went through it too- when I was 9. I didn't have a clue what was happening. I thought Mom was taking my sisters and me on a vacation. I got to go to Disney World. I just never went back home afterwards. Dad was 1200 miles away.

I couldn't figure it out in my own marriage. I could see that things were getting really bad but didn't know how to turn it around. I was in such a bad way for the past couple of years that I just shut everyone out. And I lost myself in the process.

The housing market is booming where I am. It's a sellers market and the house I'm giving up is such a cool place. I love it there but it doesn't make sense financially for me to keep it.

Thanks for your message