[GrowingPains]

Please excuse my confusing title as I really didn't know how else to phrase it. I ask that you PLEASE, PLEASE bare with my long post and rambling as I just want to try and share all the important information.

I'm 29 years old and I was with an amazing girl for 7 years before we broke up September of 2011. We had an amazing and very loving relationship, but unfortunately I hit a wall of depression about 5 years in because of my unhappiness with my career. I had started a business that was just not going anywhere and my failures got the best of me and I soon became stagnant and stuck. My girlfriend, God bless her heart, did her best to help me get moving and do something else. Despite my depression, my girlfriend was the lone bright spot in my life and she was my world and I was hers. Unfortunately, during the last year of our relationship I let my depression affect how I was towards her. I was not as romantic and I became isolated and distant. I am deeply isolated by nature, and she knows this, but looking back I know now that she felt like she didn't even have a boyfriend during that time. I was always VERY affectionate towards her and did my best to do all the "little things" that made her love me so much, but I stopped being me. Despite this, in September 2011 she told me she wanted to take the next step and move in together/get engaged/start a family. Not all at once obviously, but nonetheless she was ready to take the next step. I told her that I too wanted to marry her and want all of these things, but that right now I needed to be financially stable first but I just did not know when that would be. (Looking back, I wish I had just said yes and moved in with her and found the resources later.) She ended up breaking up with me that same day, not hearing what she wanted to hear and said that she wanted me to focus on my career/life without her being a "distraction" to me. Truth be told, she was actually threatening to leave me but I was too blind and stupid to see it. I was angry at the time at her for breaking up with me so quickly after just having that 1 conversation. I felt like she shouldn't have broken up with me so quickly, especially because despite that, we still love each other so much. We have the main ingredient of a relationship.

Over the next several months, we went through a few weeks of speaking and not speaking, all the while it was positive; her telling me she loved me/missed me and still wanted to be with me and I kept trying to get her back, but she would not commit. I assumed it was because I still wasn't financially stable. We even had sex numerous times when seeing each other over the months, but eventually we would end up not speaking for a while because she still would not get back with me and I ended up feeling hurt and rejected. People would ask if she was seeing anybody else and I would say no way, she wouldn't do that, not based off what she was telling me. I know her too well. She loves me WAY too much to do that! During this time, I refused to date any other girl. I only wanted her and I didn't want me being with someone else to hurt my chances of getting her back. We spoke openly about this and I said I was not and she said she wasn't either. It felt like an extended break to me more than a breakup because all the while she was telling me she loved me and still wanted to be together and we weren't seeing anybody else. I had other girls show interest in my but I turned down everything without batting an eye. I only wanted her. Finally, after 8 months of rejection (April 2012) and my loneliness getting the best of me, I told her I needed to move on and I had to give up trying to get her back. She was upset... I ended up going on a few dates with another girl and we ended up having sex. It felt so wrong and uncomfortable that I could not even finish the act. My ex asked me if I was going on a date and I was honest and said yes. It was at this time that she started to come around to try and get back with me AFTER she learned this. I quickly ended things with the other girl (it was like 2 weeks total) but I was still so hurt/rejected and confused about getting back with my ex that I didn't initially get back with her. We continued to talk for weeks and the wall I had built up slowly came back down and we started to see each other consistently again. A few weeks later, she found out I had sex with the other girl and she was so angry and hurt; nearly storming out before I pleaded with her to stay. I told her I waited 8 months for her and she didn't even want me. I felt so alone and I missed feeling wanted. Unfortunately I had to leave on a month trip immediately after this (July 2012) so I could not even see her to work through it. I tried to keep constant communication with her, all along apologizing and telling her it was a mistake and out of pure loneliness and I only wanted her.

She was coming around towards the end and it seemed we could get passed it, but then she became distant and asked to take space right before I came back from my trip. I tried to get her to see me, called her, text her but she ignored most of it and gave empty responses to most. I couldn't understand it and I became desperate. I ended up finding out through her brother-in-law (by accident) that she had been talking to her "ex" again. That ex wasn't me. It was an ex that she had been seeing on and off since December 2011 (10 months). I was devastated... Worst of all, I knew who it was and even hung out with him a few times in some group settings. I ended up seeing pictures of them together I found on his & her Facebook pages (where she blocked me months ago, I just never realized it). Seeing the pictures made my heart sink. She even had sex with him again while I was away for that month. I confronted her for lying and leading me on for an entire year while I waited for her. She kept telling me she wanted to be together, yet she was with someone else the entire time (on and off I was told, not straight through) and she knew I was waiting for her. She had been moving on and cutting me out of her life and didn't tell me about it. I yelled and cursed at her and told her I never wanted to speak to her again.. Even when I said it I knew it was a lie. I just wanted her to feel something. I never felt so angry in my life. 24 hours later that all went away. I was no longer angry, just completely and utterly heart broken. It changed me... A few days later I told her that despite it all, I still loved her and wanted to be with her and I could eventually get passed her lying and learn to trust her again. I admitted and apologized for my own faults and mistakes I made in the past and that I wanted to start over and build an even better relationship with her. She was happy, but she didn't exactly jump at my invitation to get back together and work on things. She apologized for her lies she said she hated herself and felt horrible for it (her entire family wasn't happy with her lying to me either). I told her that before all this happened, I had been hoping we could get back together and move in together and I wanted to propose to her soon after that. I told her that hadn't changed, but yet she couldn't even tell me she was still in love with me... she said she was confused. It is strange, I never felt so hurt in my life and yet I immediately still wanted to work through everything with her. It's only made me realize more than ever just how much I love her. I know that she didn't cheat on me, and I've come to at least understand why she would be with someone else, but she still should have told me. We still had open communication and she had been telling me she still wanted us to be together and lying about not seeing anyone, fully aware that I was waiting for her.

She's told me she no longer speaks to the other guy and we have been seeing each other for 2 months since then. It was so hard at first, with my extreme paranoia and shattered trust but it has gotten way way better since then and I believe it would continue to get better if she would just love me as she always has. Unfortunately, she has only shown that in glimpses and it's taken its toll on me. Some days she is affectionate and loving and the next totally distant. From day 1 I always felt like I was only a test for her, to see if she still wanted to be with me or not and that has left me feeling so unconfident and because of that I'm not being myself around her. I take really good care of myself physically and consider myself to be very fit, but I feel like she isn't even attracted to me anymore. My self-esteem is at an all-time low...

She has said numerous times she still loves me, but that she has a "wall" up and she doesn't know why. She said she wishes so bad she could just be with me, but she is battling with her own issues. Last we we spoke and she said she knows I'm going through a hard time and that it isn't fair to me for her to not be 100% all in with me and that she just needed to be alone for a while and we have since agreed to take time apart for her to figure it all out. In my mind, I'm thinking we really love each other so why don't we give this a real shot?? I don't understand it but I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. She has said that she wants would love if I waited for her but she can't tell me to do that and just wants me to do whatever makes me happy and go on dates if I want, even though she cringes at thought of me with someone else. She doesn't want the thought of me waiting for her/being miserable on her shoulders... as for her, she said she just wants to be alone and if she would be with anyone it would be me.

I need a lot of help. Since the day I found out about them, I have been a shell of a man. I breakdown all the time, frequently crying. And then it makes me feel weak and I become disgusted at myself. I have absolutely no confidence or self-esteem anymore. I haven't been able to focus on my work or my passion for exercise. The thought of losing her forever is all I can think about. I can't shake the image of them having sex or her sharing intimate moments with someone else and I keep thinking what it is that he has that I don't? But I just love her so much and I know I can get passed all of that if only she would show me she still wants to be together. I feel so so unwanted and unloved at a time where I need to feel it more than ever. We took this time off from one another for a little over a week now and I don't know how long it will go on until I see her again. I just want us to be together, work through this thing and start our future together.

I'm a complete mess. I want to take control of my life, but I can't. I've failed in my career, I'm an underachiever and now I am on the verge of losing the love of my life. I just want to be happy again, but I don't know what to do. Please help me.

[TroubledAngel12]

Honey, if this young lady cannot stay with you depite the fact of what you are going through emotionally, then maybe she is not the one for you. Relationships take communication, compromise, and commitment. At the time of her wanting to marry you, you were not able to go through with it because of your financial concerns and that is no reason for her to leave you. If she loved you then she would be patient and wait with you and stand by you no matter what.

I understand how you feel completely. Me and my fiancee went through the same thing. I can honestly relate to you as I struggle with severe depression myself and I often unintentionally take it out on my girl. We even went through a situation where I thought she was cheating but it had only turned out that the guy she thought was flirting with her was only giving her a business card and he was a Press member at a convention she visited. In short, I accused her of cheating for nothing without knowing the facts.

It's very hard and if your love does not stand by you then coping through hard times will be a challenge. I understand that you truly and deeply love her but if she leaves you rather than being patient enough to support you through your tough times, she is not the one. Especially with the fact that she was speaking to another gentleman. But you will find the right girl who will be by your side and support you no matter what. That is what love really is.

[TroubledAngel12]

As for your career, things will turn around and you will get better. I assure you. I hope for the best for you. For your depression, maybe you can look into speaking with a counselor. I am currently right now seeing a counselor and she really helps me.

[GrowingPains]

Originally Posted by TroubledAngel12

Honey, if this young lady cannot stay with you depite the fact of what you are going through emotionally, then maybe she is not the one for you. Relationships take communication, compromise, and commitment. At the time of her wanting to marry you, you were not able to go through with it because of your financial concerns and that is no reason for her to leave you. If she loved you then she would be patient and wait with you and stand by you no matter what.

I understand how you feel completely. Me and my fiancee went through the same thing. I can honestly relate to you as I struggle with severe depression myself and I often unintentionally take it out on my girl. We even went through a situation where I thought she was cheating but it had only turned out that the guy she thought was flirting with her was only giving her a business card and he was a Press member at a convention she visited. In short, I accused her of cheating for nothing without knowing the facts.

It's very hard and if your love does not stand by you then coping through hard times will be a challenge. I understand that you truly and deeply love her but if she leaves you rather than being patient enough to support you through your tough times, she is not the one. Especially with the fact that she was speaking to another gentleman. But you will find the right girl who will be by your side and support you no matter what. That is what love really is.

I cannot say that she didn't stick by me. She was trying to help me for over a year to try and get my life moving. She really did support me, even sending out my resume by herself, but I was in such a funk that I could not get moving. I just wish she would have stuck with me longer, because even though my career was in a funk (and she clearly had concerns about our future) I just felt like love should be able to overcome all that. Maybe I'm naive. I know that she still loves me, but I don't know if she still wants me and that thought is eating me alive.

Originally Posted by TroubledAngel12

As for your career, things will turn around and you will get better. I assure you. I hope for the best for you. For your depression, maybe you can look into speaking with a counselor. I am currently right now seeing a counselor and she really helps me.

I so badly want to turn my life around and I am trying to focus on bettering myself, but I just cannot stop sulking. I have been seeing a therapist for nearly 2 years. It has helped some, but obviously I have a ways to go...

Originally Posted by drlmbrjack

Tell her you guys are on a clear break, that you need to work on yourself first. Open up about your feelings as a way to be tactful. People respond the most to honesty. If she cares about you and feels that she is included in your issues and realizes the steps you are taking toward a better you, she should naturally feel like supporting you, even if as a friend, wanting you to be happy. Deciding whether to stay in the relationship through this process is her decision, and you should make her feel safe and secure in whatever she decides, be prepared for her to decide to move on if that is her decision. Provide a timeline of landmarks for her when you think you can reasonably accomplish certain levels, such as getting medication correct, finding job, etc. and when you would want to do that next step. Be realistic.

I have been so open with her since this happened and I've poured my heart out. I've put myself out there many times hoping she would tell me she feels the same. When we first discussed everything, she said she needed time to figure out how she feels about giving us another shot again, but it's been over 2 months and I just don't know when it's been enough time. This is the first time in 8 years that she isn't showing the love she used to show. Even when we were broken up for the last year, she was still so open about her feelings to me. Since the day she found out I had sex with another woman, she hasn't been the same. But I don't understand it... that happened one time because I was alone and depressed and she basically carried on a relationship for 10 months. I can put that behind me but she can't?

I am actually on medication right now, but I am not happy with that. I feel like this space we are taking is basically my last chance.. if she doesn't come out of it feeling like she wants to give our relationship another try then it's over. The thought alone brings tears to my eyes. I just don't know what to do. This has really shattered me.

Thank you both for responding!

[GrowingPains]

I would also like to ask the community,
How can she find someone so quickly (3 months later) after 7 years of a loving relationship? In September she told me she wanted to take the next step, yet I found pictures of the 2 of them dated in December. Was it just for comfort? I refused anyone else because she was worth it and I feel like she obviously did not feel like I was worth waiting for anymore. I have absolutely no confidence in myself. I couldn't even date someone else even if I wanted to.

[GrowingPains]

Is anyone able to give their opinion or offer some advice. I would really appreciate it.

[Leed]

What I have to say probably isn't what you want to hear, but I'm much older than you and have much more life experience.

She just doesn't seem stable enough for you to keep waiting for her. She doesn't seem to know what she wants. One minute she wants to be in this relationship and the next minute she wants space. One minute she's in love and the next minute she doesn't know. What's going on here?

She definitely needs to see a therapist to help her work thru her issues. And perhaps she'd be open to that suggestion, I really don't know.

All I'm saying is that you're going to be waiting forever for her to make up her mind. I don't think it's fair for her to keep you waiting like this, knowing that you're ready to make a commitment. Granted, you did keep HER waiting at one time, but since then she's kept you waiting off and on several times. This relationship is too unstable to work. She isn't willing to WORK on this relationship to MAKE it work.

Find someone who IS willing to work on a relationship. Find someone who cares for you as much as YOU care for her. You deserve to have a partner who wants a life-long partner -- who is willing to put in the work that it takes to keep a relationship going. She doesn't seem to be willing to do that. Move on -- and find that someone. I don't think you've found the "love of your life" yet. She's still out there waiting for you. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[GrowingPains]

Originally Posted by Leed

What I have to say probably isn't what you want to hear, but I'm much older than you and have much more life experience.

She just doesn't seem stable enough for you to keep waiting for her. She doesn't seem to know what she wants. One minute she wants to be in this relationship and the next minute she wants space. One minute she's in love and the next minute she doesn't know. What's going on here?

She definitely needs to see a therapist to help her work thru her issues. And perhaps she'd be open to that suggestion, I really don't know.

All I'm saying is that you're going to be waiting forever for her to make up her mind. I don't think it's fair for her to keep you waiting like this, knowing that you're ready to make a commitment. Granted, you did keep HER waiting at one time, but since then she's kept you waiting off and on several times. This relationship is too unstable to work. She isn't willing to WORK on this relationship to MAKE it work.

Find someone who IS willing to work on a relationship. Find someone who cares for you as much as YOU care for her. You deserve to have a partner who wants a life-long partner -- who is willing to put in the work that it takes to keep a relationship going. She doesn't seem to be willing to do that. Move on -- and find that someone. I don't think you've found the "love of your life" yet. She's still out there waiting for you. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you for your reply. It is hard to hear these things, but I need to hear it. There are things that I want to hear and want to believe because I want it to work so badly, but I need outside opinions to give it to me straight.

She has been seeing a therapist on and off. I actually recommended it to her originally. I have asked her to go to couple's therapy with me and she originally agreed, but quickly backtracked and said she didn't think we should unless we were actually together. It doesn't seem right to me.. I think it would have helped. But you are right, she simply is not committing and she is not showing the effort that I so badly want to see from her. I have spent the last 15 months waiting, telling myself that if we can be together then it would all be worth it, but I'm afraid that it will be all for nothing. I love her and I will always love her. I just wish these feelings of rejection and feeling unloved didn't mentally handcuff me so badly. I want to fix my life, but I can't help but feel depressed over this. Thank you again my friend.

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by Leed

What I have to say probably isn't what you want to hear, but I'm much older than you and have much more life experience.

She just doesn't seem stable enough for you to keep waiting for her. She doesn't seem to know what she wants. One minute she wants to be in this relationship and the next minute she wants space. One minute she's in love and the next minute she doesn't know. What's going on here?

She definitely needs to see a therapist to help her work thru her issues. And perhaps she'd be open to that suggestion, I really don't know.

All I'm saying is that you're going to be waiting forever for her to make up her mind. I don't think it's fair for her to keep you waiting like this, knowing that you're ready to make a commitment. Granted, you did keep HER waiting at one time, but since then she's kept you waiting off and on several times. This relationship is too unstable to work. She isn't willing to WORK on this relationship to MAKE it work.

Find someone who IS willing to work on a relationship. Find someone who cares for you as much as YOU care for her. You deserve to have a partner who wants a life-long partner -- who is willing to put in the work that it takes to keep a relationship going. She doesn't seem to be willing to do that. Move on -- and find that someone. I don't think you've found the "love of your life" yet. She's still out there waiting for you. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Leed where have u been !
i guess I just hav'nt been looking in the right places. God you took almost
the exact words out of my mouth ! ( Your reply to that guy who wrote that long post.) man is he stuck on the wrong girl ! I just found out that I
have been USED for over 25 YEARS. I'm RUNNING to a divorce lawyer after over 40 years of bull***t. I can't go into the details as it would take a
book to tell the tale. At least that guy is still young enough to start a new life. It could take years of therapy. Please reply to this or contact me as our lives seem to have been so similar it's amazing.

[shortandcute]

well, its not technically cheating because you werent officially seeing each other at the time. you broke up in SEPTEMBER-she started seeing this guy the following DECEMBER. Just talking about possibly getting back together is not the same as actually BEING together.

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by GrowingPains

I would also like to ask the community,
How can she find someone so quickly (3 months later) after 7 years of a loving relationship? In September she told me she wanted to take the next step, yet I found pictures of the 2 of them dated in December. Was it just for comfort? I refused anyone else because she was worth it and I feel like she obviously did not feel like I was worth waiting for anymore. I have absolutely no confidence in myself. I couldn't even date someone else even if I wanted to.

you did say in another post that you had sex with another girl-so no you did not refuse anyone else. what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

[insideout]

you were with this girl for a big part of your young adult life, and that made an impact on you.
it can seem like she is part of what makes you, you.
but you are you all on your own.
maybe you are feeling insecure because it feels like you are losing a part of yourself...
well you arent.
youre still growing.
29 isnt all that old but it isnt all that young either.
you need to come to grips with this now, so that you can move on and embrace your life.

[oceancries]

Im sorry. I hope you find a girl that stays with you.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by GrowingPains

I would also like to ask the community,
How can she find someone so quickly (3 months later) after 7 years of a loving relationship?

I do not think that you had a 7 year old loving relationship, so the question is moot.

I did read the entire post, and did notice the very frequent mentions of the word "love", referring in both directions.

However, those frequent mentions of the word "love" were not supported with any evidence of the presence of the feeling of "love" in either of you. I think it is good that you are not together, because you should not be together. It is hard to explain that to you, but basically, the OP is very cold, and although the feelings of hurt and insecurity (you even lost passion for exercise, which is truly unfortunate, as exercise is extremely helpful in combatting depression) do shine through the OP, the feelings of love do not. It is way too cold. I do not know if your depression is what makes your writing so flat, though; maybe you did love her but your depression disabled your capacity to convey the feeling of love in words.

Another thing that suggests that you do not love her is your mixing everything together with your underachievement. Basically, you are viewing what happened between you and her as yet another of your failures. Your failure with her makes you feel that you are an underachiever on the romantic front, just as you feel that you are an underachiever professionally. People who actually love somebody do not have that feeling. They might grieve it and be extremely sad when the person they love rejects them, but they do not treat it as an underachievement, as yet another thing they could have enhanced their resume with but were not able to enhance their resume with. So I do not think that you love her.

My best advice is to move on and stop being petty. When you start thinking about who did what - who talked to someone, who slept with someone, and for how many times, as if it mattered a bit, etc. - who waited for months and who waited for weeks, it becomes petty and you run the risk of getting mired in this pettiness forever. Shortandround/Shortandcute picked up on that when she reflected back to you how your expectations of the girl's behavior did not agree with your own behavior. Pettiness is, for one, an unappealing personal quality, and, for another, causes wasteful and unproductive use of your time.

I hope you can move on, focus on your professional life and fitness right now, and put off dating until better times.