[livelovelearn1986]

After 7 years of marriage, 3 children, years of meth use, abuse, lies, concussions, black eyes, broken teeth, refusal to work, refusal to help with the kids, refusal to admit any true wrong doing...I left.
Thankfully...he made the choice easier and more needed every time he put his hands on me, every bloody lip, every rape, every time I wax choked out and also every rims he degraded and humiliated me in every way.

I have been safe, away, unable do be found for 5 months. Within a week of leaving...I knew going back would not be an option due do his paranoid, death threats and mindset. Without a doubt...my life would be over with 24 hours of going home. No doubt in my mind.

Now...having been apart...I realize that my deep, never ending romantic love...left years ago. You can push someone too far.

I am attempting to get legal aid to help with a divorce...since I don't have a lot of money at all.

Now...I have anxiety issues, panic attacks and this huge fear that everyone will hurt me. I am afraid to even get to know people deeply because...what if I fall for them and get hurt?

I fully intend to remain celibate. I would like to have a few flings...or even start a relationship with this guy I have been talking to. But my heart convicts me and will not allow it without a guilty conscience.

Yet...I still have needs. I want to be held. I want to make love. I want to be happy and blindly love again.

See...I have a desire to not have sex with people...to find the right one and do things right...but what if it all ends the same? What if I still get hurt?

I guess...knowing someone, watching for red flags and not getting sexually intimate should help me...but I don't lmao..

Im lonely...and sad...

Live Love Learn

[brokenhrt52]

Livelivelearn1986...
Oh my goodness what a nightmare you have gone through (and the kids)...
I too age 16-22 was in a VERY ABUSIVE, toxic emotionally and physically ABUSIVE relationship with a older man 14 years my senior he was AN alcoholic and did drugs in addition. He was a control freak and literally had to know where I was and what I was doing every moment of the day! I worked anywhere from 2 to 3 jobs... 7 days a week because he lost his job and said he was looking for another job however come to find out he was hanging out in bars drinking and having affairs with all these different women... all with the money I worked so hard to provide. He also had 3 children which I completely loved and adored. I would pay his child support and by the children school clothes and other items they needed! He would consistently put me down tell me I was that fat and ugly and nobody wanted me the but him and I was lucky that he even wanted me ...that I was a loser and worthless and the list goes on and on....
But then at times he would be loving... I found out the pattern was usually when he wanted me to work a lot of hours so he could obtain something he wanted financially! I remember so many times his children watching as he beat me till I was black and blue blood everywhere ... kids screaming at times he would beat me till I was unconscious yet I would always come back I'd leave for a day and he would beg me to come back he"d tell me how sorry he was that it was the alcohol and he was going to stop drinking ... just baby please come home...
I'm just struggling cause I don't feel good about myself and not having a job that that that that that that...
Blahhh blahhhh blahhhh
I too was continually raped by him...
Arrrrr... It was madness...
It took me to move some four and a half hours away from him to find me finely break the hold and crazy crazy addiction I had to him I kept thinking I could fix him if only I could stop them from drinking and mend his wounded soul... yeahhhhh right...
I believed everything that he said how he brainwashed me ...about.... I believe that was worthless I believed that I was stupid and ugly and fat even knowing I was 5'7 and only weighed to 130 pounds......
I knew one day if I didn't leave I would be dead. Because of my experience with him I too had/have many many issues trusting especially man...
You're going to need to really really focus on yourself... your children and healing your wounded soul before you can really give yourself and be emotionally ready and available 2 a relationship...
I know that it you're lonely and you just want that feeling of an other humans touch and potentially a relationship I got the part about making love that is more of a relationship rather than just sexual comment...
However if you just jump into something now with out the proper healing and work you're more than likely gonna find a same type a relationship you just got out of because unless we grow and learn from what we stayed in ...we just find the same kind of relationship! I too am lonely and want that companionship that feeling of having somebody next to me that intimacy...
But I don't want to sell myself short and be intimate with somebody just to feel in that void... loneliness because ultimately when I look at myself in the mirror. .. I will not like what I see or feel...
But that's me ...
so proud that you left your oh so crazy dangerous situation and will be praying for you!!!!
How old are your children... How have they been affected by all of this?
Hugssssss

Peace be with you!

[oldlife_disrupted]

I have nothing to say about the dangerous old relationship other than glad you made it out safely.

It sounds like you want to be blindly in love again yet can't stomach the idea of sex and feel guilty about meeting people…sounds like you're not ready yet? Be you for a while. Make friends, have some pointless dates, reset your life. Eventually you'll want to meet someone, want sex, want love all at once…but don't be blind…have a very conditional relationship that tolerates no violence.

[livelovelearn1986]

all 3 kids are under 4.

They have nightmares...stuff like that. But they will be ok....glad they aren't older

Live Love Learn

[healingme4me]

It will take time, away from all of this to heal. There's no real solid timeline, but I can relate oh so well, to the fear of falling into the same old patterns, meeting someone who is the same or worse. Have hope, 'k?!

A little loneliness for a couple of years or so, is better than rushing into anything, if you aren't emotionally ready. Which, from the amount of abuse, it will take time.

I know what you mean, about wanting to be touched and to make love. That being more than just an expression, especially to women who have been battered and torn.

When you are ready to appreciate a good man, then you'll know you are ready.