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  #1  
Old Jan 07, 2014, 08:20 AM
mibebe mibebe is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 1
My husband and I have been married for 1 yr and a half. At the very beginning of the relationship we were so in love, but I felt that there were a lot of red flags. He started checking my phone and asking me to delete friends from facebook and from my phone.. I stopped seeing him but then I felt that I was wrong and that maybe he was right I think I was just missing the flowers, dinners, the company and the gifts... We started dating again a month after I had told him I didn't want to see him again bc of the red flags... Then he started talking about marriage and started showing up at my doorstep with the excuse that he had a gift for me and it was a surprise... I started having nightmares of him being aggressive and a psycho but I thought it was just me being paranoid.. A month after, feeling soo in love with him I realise that he was increasing the fighting over guys in tv, guys on facebook who were just friends from school etc I told him I wanted to leave him again and so I planned to travel by myself bc I had wanted to travel for months and nobody could go with me. I bought the tickets and started missing his calls, flowers etc... I decided to try one last time. This time he was trying not to be jealous and to think before saying things to me but at the same time he was starting to try to make me feel like it was my fault and to try to make me feel guilty for my past (and there is nothing wrong with my past!!) So that was the last time I would give him a chance and he was failing.... So i decided to ask him for some time apart just to clear my mind. the next day I found out that I was pregnant. I tried so hard to not get pregnant but he was also trying so hard to get me pregnant and he did it bc I could've done more to prevent it from happening.. And so I stayed with him bc we were going to have the baby and bc i loved him so much... I had the baby, fight after fight he would ask me about my past realtionships on our anniversary, Christmas day .. all holidays would be ruined over his obsessive questioning! So not even 6 months after having the baby I had to stop taking the pill bc i was making me sick and I had a serious talk with him about him not tricking me again into getting pregnant. I trusted him one more time and one more time he got me pregnant... So here I am many pounds heavier, with a 10 month old baby and waiting for my second baby in a few months..... Since my pregnancy is high risk I moved to a different state to stay with my parents so that they would help me with the babies and my husband was going to come in a couple of months or as soon as he could find a job.. but the truth is that since I've been away from him I feel happier, and even though he still calls a lot and messages a lot and questions a lot and believes all he imagines I am doing; I have felt healthier, more like myself.. I guess I wanted to wait until the kids grew up to then divorce him because I am TERRIFIED to go through the process of divorce and custody with him and I have no money and can't work because of the risk of my pregnancy.

I hope this wasn't too long and thanks for reading the story of the last 1.5 yrs of my life....
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  #2  
Old Jan 09, 2014, 07:31 PM
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healingme4me healingme4me is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 46,298
I am not exactly the leading advocate in staying married, for the sake of kids. You are in a new state. After 6 months of residence, you can file where you are, perhaps even seek a lawyer of the day for advice and referrals. If that's what you need to do, and want to do. If there's red flags now, the likelihood of improved behavior, is slim to none, without him seeking help to change and grow.

What are your parents thoughts on your situation?
  #3  
Old Jan 10, 2014, 10:04 AM
Anonymous100108
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I do not buy the "I tried so hard to not get pregnant thing". There is one way to ensure you do not get pregnant - and you did not do that.... (sorry - just being honest).

now to the main point.....
I think this guy has HUGE issues of insecurity. That may encompass things like abandonment or inadequacy or controlling aspects. I am not sure.

BUT - I have a **gut feeling** that he has a very ugly side that is about to be made visible. Personally, I think that you (and your child) are in danger with this person and you MUST stay away from him. I think anything short of a totally cutoff will turn violent... VERY violent. Do not try to be nice or soft with him - he will only misread it. Be blunt.

Gods blessings to you...
Thanks for this!
Cotton ball, healingme4me
  #4  
Old Jan 10, 2014, 10:46 AM
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smadams smadams is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2014
Location: Frisco, CO
Posts: 73
The protection of you and your children is most important. If you don't feel safe, there is a real problem and I would not start running towards it just because you are not sure where you would go from there. Also, there are ways to have minimal contact with him through the divorce process.

My ex-husband was abusive in multiple ways, and he was actually the one to hand me papers, but then started harassing me to sign them even though I told him I would not do anything without a lawyer present because of my situation. I wanted to as little contact with him as I possibly could, and the lawyer made sure that happened. I never saw him during the process, I never had to go to court. Unfortunately, with the children, that situation may not happen, but having that help can definitely help along the process and keeping any unnecessary contact out of the equation.

Just a thought and a suggestion. I really wish you the best, and hope you can find a way to make this all work out in the way that is safe for you and the children.

Healingme4me asked a good question. What about your parents? Is there anything they would be willing to do to help in this situation, since it seems to be quite a severe situation.
  #5  
Old Jan 10, 2014, 11:04 AM
nicoleflynn nicoleflynn is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2012
Location: rochester, michigan
Posts: 3,111
Call a domestic violence hotline, shelter; get into counseling to help you decide what to do. 1 n 3 women will be physically assaulted and it all begins with verbal abuse; it is all about control.....they are excruciatingly INsecure; I stayed married for 31 years; it takes a lot of resources to get out but it can be done. Your husband more than likely will never change, so you have to protect your children. If they see/hear abuse they will more than likely marry an abuser or BE one...sad to say, but true. Boundaries by Townsend an Cloud is an excellent book and also: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans; you can probably get those at the library; they saved my life
  #6  
Old Jan 10, 2014, 11:23 AM
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Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,288
When someone tries to isolate you and control you the way you have described, there is a problem. And if this person doesn't get help, they only get worse with time. Remember, hurt people, hurt other people.

While you "can" file for a divorce, that will not get him totally out of your life, he has the right to the children just as much as you do.

Honestly, if you can find a way to get him into some kind of therapy situation, a therapist/psychologist may be able to spot if he is somehow disordered. You have to be careful because you don't want him to lose it and take it out on you through the children. I think that you should really consider all the possible consequences before even thinking about mentioning the word "divorce" to him too.

Other than being so possessive, has he ever hit or threatened you?

OE
  #7  
Old Jan 14, 2014, 12:22 PM
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Jan1212 Jan1212 is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2012
Location: Greenland
Posts: 665
He is not supporting you. Don't let that man abuse you any longer, you need your health and sanity for your children. Children with no father is better than having an abusive father, I don't see a reason why you need to stay with him. File for child support and assistant, and a restraining order against him , he is controlling and manipulative- you are in no situation to get pregnant and yet he still tricked you,that's not right. Don't think this is your fault in any way
  #8  
Old Jan 14, 2014, 02:41 PM
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arachnophobia.kid arachnophobia.kid is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 316
I have to say I'm not an advocate of divorce at all, though at the same time I think your situation is awful and that the two of you just don't fit. So I'm kind of torn as to what to tell you.

Your marriage is your commitment to your husband and a responsibility towards your children and family, for better or worse. I think it's important to think about that and how it affects everyone if you are considering divorce. And other than that I will only say that I don't think it is okay to be passing off the consequences of your actions to your children, your husband, or your extended family.
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