[karmaah]

After I broke up with my ex, I realized that I had been in a relationship with an abusive narcissist. I had never met a person like that, so I did not see any of the signs. I was in a bad place when I met him and we dated for a few years, but we had a lot of problems. To make a long story short, I have been dealing with what happened and working on myself so that I don't make the same mistakes again ... I know that a relationship is a two way street and that even though he was emotionally and physically abusive to me, I also allowed it to happen - I even took the blame for what happened. I have been seeing a therapist and was diagnosed with PTSD. It has been a long road to healing, especially because I feel like I should have known better since I was abused as a child. I do not have a pattern of being with abusive men. My last few relationships weren't perfect, but they weren't abusive. I made every excuse in the book for my ex's behavior. By the end of the relationship I was reduced to a shell by his constant abuse, then devalued and discarded like I was worth nothing.

The reason I am writing is because my ex is in a position of power in a creative arts group. He preys on young women. He did it to me, and he did it to others in the group before me. His M.O. is to introduce girls in their 20s to S&M, but really it is just an excuse to abuse them. The ex's with bad things to say about him have been shunned/banned from the community and he is protected. This means that no one will warn these girls - no one warned me, either, and after almost 4 years, after I caught him cheating on me with one of his "groupies", and broke up with him ... I was treated like an outcast while my ex lied to everyone about me, saying that I was a crazy jealous *****, even though the whole community knew he was cheating on me the entire time, because he was doing it there.

Now, I am glad to be out of the relationship. But whenever I see photos of him with 20 yr old girls, I feel like I am going to be sick. I want to warn them, but I can't warn the world. I don't understand how he can get away with this, over and over again. I want to let it go and I can't seem to. I want nothing to do with this man, but the idea that he preys on young women because they are naive and susceptible to his abuse makes me so angry. I am not in my 20s, but I look a lot younger than I am, and I think that combination (along with my acceptance of his abusive behaviors) is what made our relationship last for so long. Ours was one of the longest relationships he ever had. At 35, I was also the oldest women he had *ever* dated. (He is 50)

On one hand, I feel like I am out of the relationship and I should be thankful for that, pick up the pieces and move on. But on the other hand, it has been months and all I have to do is see some photo or something through mutual friends and it sends me into a spiral. Just today, I saw a photo of a girl who turned 21 a few months ago sitting on his lap provocatively, almost like she was pushing her butt into his crotch. He is 50 ... he looked disgusting. She is so young it made him look so much older and creepier. Yet, he's talented and popular, king of the creative arts group. She has no idea what she would be getting into with him. No one does, because he is a narcissist and puts up a false front. That's what pulled me in.

I'm just having a lot of trouble with this part of healing. Any advice?

[jelly-bean]

If someone had warned you would you have listened to them? Most people, male or female, have to learn for themselves about relationships. You would probably be better off just letting him go. Maybe there will come a time when one of those girls asks for advice but until then I think you are wasting your breath. They will just consider you jealous.

[karmaah]

I understand what you're saying. It's not that I am planning on warning these young women, it's just the feeling I get when I see these things that I'm having trouble dealing with. I think this may be a kind of trigger for me because my ex also used to say things to me about my clothes, my body and weight (I have an average weight, but he wanted me to be thinner and more toned, even though he is over-weight and I accepted him as he was), even saying things like I needed to keep up my good looks or else he'd "trade [me] in for a younger model." Of course we argued about that too, because he said he was joking and I took things too seriously. But even after I explained how I felt, he kept saying it, and it bothered me. Essentially, he did that too. The girl he cheated on me with is in her mid-20s. I mean I'm not an old woman here but he made me feel bad about aging and my appearance. It sounds stupid to me now, like how could I allow him to make me feel bad, because I am an attractive person and I have no problems with aging gracefully. I also don't think people get uglier as they get older. But that is part of the insidious nature of emotional/mental abuse.

Aging did play a big part in our relationship and that was one of the reasons I noted that I was the oldest woman he ever dated. He was obsessed with youth and hated people his own age. I tried to help him in so many ways to accept that he was getting older and that was okay. At 50, I think you should have some sort of peace with your self. But he didn't, and he felt that life passed him by and all the opportunities he missed when he was young were gone, and he hated being older. He had no friends his own age, had never been married, no children. He was alone, and I became like a home to him - cooking for him, doing his laundry, sex. I actually thought we were going to be together for a very long time, and even though there were problems, I thought we could work through them.

After the break-up, I began to realize that one of the things he liked about me was that I did look young for my age. I felt horrible for that, because I was trying to help him move past that. And I do know now that the only person you can really change is yourself, and that if a relationship is contingent on change, then it is doomed. But I think seeing him with young girls is a reminder to me of some of our deepest problems. It scares me that I was abused as a young girl and maybe I unconsciously sought him out because he was older. But at the time, I wanted to show him that it was okay to be with older people. It's very confusing and it makes me so angry because I know that he's out there doing the same thing to other young women, and I didn't help him in any way. In fact, the relationship hurt me very much. But I guess I just need to roll with these moments and try to understand my strong reactions. I didn't get a lot of advice here but thank you all for giving me the space to work this out.

Thank you.

[thickntired]

Hi,

I'm divorcing my abusive spouse after 10 yrs of him beating down my self-esteem. I read that abusers prey on mentally ill and addicted people because they are easier to control. My husband was also 11 years older. I am in a support group for abuse victims and it has helped so much. I had red flags but thought I deserved to be treated that way and couldn't do better. IMO younger women you warn may just assume you want him to yourself, unfortunately.

This is what a therapist gave me that helped me see YES he is abusive.

The Duluth Model - Wheel Gallery