[TakeMeWithYou]

I have been married for thirteen years, and am thinking about leaving him. We have no children, as that was one of my rules before we even got married. (although that story is for another thread post.......LOL!!) Anyway, my therapist has recommended that I make a list of the qualities I am looking for in an ideal relationship. It's like a wish list for the perfect man, and so I am wondering what qualities you guys look for in your ideal mate?? Thanks in advance.

[eskielover]

Lol...everything my ex wasn't!!!!

Basically someone who has common sense not an intellectual intelligence that is so narrow it basically doesn't exist.

Someone who can adapt to new situations.

Most important is someone capable of connecting emotionally & who I can really communicate with who doesn't look at me like I'm speaking in a foreign language when spoken to. (after leaving I have found that the communication wasn't my problem it was his incapability of understanding what was said to him).

Most important is having someone with my same faith & belief in God.

I can't believe I wasted 33 years trying to make an impossible relationship work. Realized I hid out in getting my degree & then in my career from the beginning after being talked out of listening to my red flags....

When someone is full of excuses & rationalizations & blame for why they have been unsuccessful in life, I will RUN in the other direction.

[healingme4me]

This was a roundabout homework assignment for my own therapy. However the focus was on what do I need?

Honesty
Communication in a feeling heard, understood or it's sister attempted understanding
Companionship
Valued
Respected
Cherished
Love
Similar future goals
Transparency
Nourishing
Financial Compatibility-which is huge
A large portion-sobriety which leads to...
Connection
Open mindedness-tolerance
Broad worldview
If not the same faith, not dismissing of my own. Encouraging me to follow my own path in that regard. Enough to share moments related.
Encouragement
Supportive
Compassion
Empathy
Loyalty
Passion of all varieties
Lively which is related to sobriety

I do ask as I wonder why your T wants you to put the cart before the horse in deciding about whether to stay or leave?

For me leaving wasn't about the hope for a new partner. Leaving was after exhausting avenues of staying on top of becoming a safety concern as tensions and hostilities rose.

[eskielover]

Maybe it's more of a wish list of what you really want your husband to be like, to determine if your desires for your H are realistic before you leave....not necessarily in search of someone better. With the list, if some of the things that your H can really change, then why leave.

My husband was incapable of changing the major serious issues I had with him as I realized later that the aspects were truly a part of him & not something that could be changed. Certain ASD traits just are what they are & when they caused serious issues in the marriage there was no hope for improvement especially when H was in denial that there was anything wrong & I was the one who was expected to continue to tolerate the serious proplems that existed. Not knowing what the problem was at the time I left he just claimed that it was his personality & personalities can't change. Well I learned different with my T I had after I left....but then when I realized that ASD had a role in the issues I understood why it wasn't possible for his personality to change & was ever so glad I did leave finally after way too many years....which was why he told me that he thought I would just continue tolerating him for the rest of our lives....after all I tolerated it for 33 years but the cost was too great for me & it was destroying my health when i ended up trapped in the marriage without my career to escape to.

Oh yes, financially responsible...someone who believes in only spending money they have....not living on credit or overdraft charges. When I needed him to handle the finances at the time my depression got really bad, he FAILED miserably which meant we both failed miserably & couldn't handle the situation it caused & my only thought was that suicide was my only way out but I didn't realize that was the reasoning behind those actions at the time because I was told my everyone that I was just overreacting to the loss of my career. No one helped me take that down to a lower level.

So critical to have a mature & responsible partner who is willing to grow up.

Also critical for us to understand how the inter reaction is really effecting our mental health especially is we never really learned how to deal with a dysfunctional partner or get exhausted compensating for them.

[TakeMeWithYou]

healingme4me: I copied your list - thank you. I will look yours over as I review my own. As for my T in this assignment, she wants me to have clarity about what I want first and THEN the evaluation of my husband - as to his capacity as well as his willingness to work on those things where he may not have a well-developed skill set. My T doesn't want me deciding whether to leave just yet.........she has also advised me that I am the one who sets the boundaries about what I can live with. Thanks again for your thoughts!! Much appreciated

[TishaBuv]

My husband seems like the perfect man on paper, but we developed an intimacy problem that has me, yet once again, deciding whether to divorce him, too.

[TakeMeWithYou]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

My husband seems like the perfect man on paper, but we developed an intimacy problem that has me, yet once again, deciding whether to divorce him, too.

What do you mean by intimacy?? if you are talking about the bedroom, while it's important, it is not everything. I miss the kind of intimacy that comes from long walks, lots of talks, and the ability to be with someone who can be quiet with you................someone who can be content to just be. The kind of intimacy that lets you know you are on the same page with your partner, whether it is physical, emotional, and/or spiritual. Thanks for your comments!!

[TishaBuv]

Yes, sexual. It's hard to quickly explain, but I am triggered to hysteria from it. We have raised children together through this bad situation, they are almost all out of the house.

Do you think you can reconnect with your husband and save the marriage?

The heart is incredibly resilient. I have gone from the depths of despair to feeling hopeful and back again...and again... Etc...

[fairydustgirl]

I stayed married for 29 years to a man who was married to his career. When I developed mental illness 10 years ago, he was unwilling to to learn anything about it. I basically dealt with it by myself using my therapist and psychiatrist and NAMI. I still had kids at home, in HS who watched mom unravel. Many things occurred over the last 10 years but basically my nearly thirty year marriage died a very very slow death. In the last 5 years he was gone 5 days a week to work in another state. He told me in counseling at the end, that he did that on purpose. He abandoned me. There was intimacy problems as well, not just sexual but in general. We never talked. We never argued. We were disconnected. If there had been general intimacy then the sexual issues wouldn't have been as big a deal. but what do you have when you have neither? He also was a huge cause of my anxiety issues. It was never so clear as when I finally left. My first night in my apt all I felt was peace. I have had no bipolar episodes in almost 2 years. I was having them twice yearly from 2006 on, full blown manic/mixed/depressed episodes that took months to recover from.
I know now that I should have left much sooner but just was too unhealthy, afraid and well, just not ready. I am happier than I have been in years, even my parents made that observation this past March. The hardest part of it all? My youngest son was so angry with me that he didn't talk to me for 5 months. Even then, I didn't get a hug from him for 10 months. I had to wait him out and not make any waves. He is back, he and his wife just had my first grandchild and things are so much better all around. Oh and my ex H and I are able to be in the same room together and be pleasant. We are still parents to 2 kids so that is the priority and something we agreed about, that we didn't want to be those people who couldn't be civil to one another. Not everyone will have a happy ending from divorce, I know I am not a majority. But I wanted to share my story. I wish you the best.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by TakeMeWithYou

healingme4me: I copied your list - thank you. I will look yours over as I review my own. As for my T in this assignment, she wants me to have clarity about what I want first and THEN the evaluation of my husband - as to his capacity as well as his willingness to work on those things where he may not have a well-developed skill set. My T doesn't want me deciding whether to leave just yet.........she has also advised me that I am the one who sets the boundaries about what I can live with. Thanks again for your thoughts!! Much appreciated

I felt much better with my decision to divorce because I took the time to sort through things. Once it happened and he was no longer under the same roof, I slept a little better and within a couple of weeks I felt more relaxed and at peace.

Sorting through the needs list, that list was literally thinking about myself in the here and now, is a great way to recognize little points within the marriage that seriously lacked. Can even take the list further and address childhood, which typically is said to bring one to an unhealthy relationship in the first place. I mention unhealthy because if it was healthy divorce wouldn't be a focus point.