Newly Separated - Very lonely - Any suggestions?

Hello,

My wife and I have been separated for 10 days. We have been married for nearly 19 years and have two school-aged daughters.

The long and short of it is this:

About 14 years ago, I found out that my wife was was having romantic feelings about a married co-worker. I found emails between them that indicated that they were possibly in the beginnings of an affair. We are able to work things out with a marriage counselor and a few months later we had put our marriage back on track.

About 3 years ago, we had to put my mother in a nursing home due to Alzheimer's. (My father had died 30 years ago)

This was a very large emotional blow to me, although at the time I thought I was handling it ok. I wasn't. I became moody with her and with the kids. I felt a sense of loss of control. A few months later I was on our iPad and came across an inappropriate message sent to my wife from a (different) co-worker. We had an argument, but settled it. (This was the beginning of our current issues) Last fall, I felt as though she was pulling away from me and not being as affectionate as she had been. I looked at our cell phone records and asked if she was having an affair with a guy whose number showed up a lot. She says she wasn't. I believe her. I do have trust issues though.

Early this year, my mother suddenly passed away. A month later my wife and I have a conversation where I tell her I'm sad and that I'm afraid she doesn't love me anymore. She tells me that she's not IN love with me and that the past few years have been miserable for her.

She is going to counseling and I have have an appointment to see one in a few weeks. Last moth we agreed to a separation. She moved into an apartment and I'm staying at out house. Our daughters spend some time with me and some time with her.

My wife and I talk/text everyday. We end each conversation with "Love you". We spent all day Saturday together as a family.

So here I am. I am very sad a lonely. I am reading 2 books, 1 dealing with grief and the other dealing with marital separation. I can't go more than a page before I start crying. I miss her terribly.

Any advice on how to get through this first month of our separation without going crazy?

Thanks

Hey SoccerGuy,
I'm in the process of going through a separation myself. I (we) haven't been really happy for a long long time. I always wondered why I was so very lonely in the marriage, so now, it almost feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders... that's probably why I'm not too brokenhearted about separating.

Two things specifically have helped me A LOT: Support groups and hobbies.

You may consider finding a support group of others going thru similar situations.. I've met some great non-judgmental people that really listen and understand.

One more very important thing for me is my new hobby. I had ZERO experience with but now love greatly: vegetable gardening. I started with a small patch of cucumbers and radishes two years ago, but now, I've created more space and have added tomatoes, onions, peppers, garlic, herbs, beets, etc... For me, it feels very spiritual to care for and watch a small seed grow to a flower, then a fruit. When I harvest and consume, it feels like a gift from our Earth.

It's not easy, I know... I hope you can find something (an old hobby or a new one) that fills you with joy!!!!! I wish you the best of luck!!!

Hello! Thank you for sharing with us, and I am terribly sorry for the events that have occurred. I have never been married, but I can relate to loneliness and having trust issues in relationships. It can be extremely helpful to reach out to your support groups. This can be a group like this, family, friends, and perhaps a counselor as well. Also, finding hobbies can be helpful. These times can be so very confusing and upsetting, but allowing yourself a healthy outlet can be beneficial. Often times, individuals find exercising to be a great stress reliever. Again, I am sorry that you are going through all of this. Thank you for sharing, and I hope things start to improve

Check out this website DivorceCare - Divorce Recovery Support Groups - DivorceCare

Divorce Care is EXCELLENT for those getting divorced. However, because this post is addressing "separation", I think it's important to note that not all separations end in divorce. When I was separated, I always made sure I acted like I was still married (because I still WAS married). During the separation period if you are both talking, I think it is essential to get professional outside help if you want any hope of resolution. I also feel there are many wonderful books and resources that could be invaluable to you. And book by Willard F. Harley (I especially like "He wins, She wins" and "His Needs, Her Needs." Or go to Gary Smalley's site Smalley Institute - Reignite your marriage in two days or Family life's weekend to remember site: Weekend to Remember®. ANY and all of these could be really helpful to you.
I did end up getting divorced and benefitted from Divorce Care greatly as I went through that process. It seems like you really want to work things out and I sure hope and pray that you can do that.
Good luck to you!!!

SoccerGuy (((hugs))) how i empathize with you! we buried my dad in 2012, we buried my mom in 2016. I was seperated 2015 and now divorced last month. My life has been a roller coaster of emotions, and it has been difficult.
The only thing my friend i can tell you is to pray. You need faith, talk to your Creator from the heart, ask for his strength, ask for his guidance and wisdom in how to do the right thing. And go to a counselor for yourself. Yesterday i cried from the roots of my soul missing my spouse, i was becoming despondent. I went to my neighbors for a hug. People just don't understand or they say "get over it". A spouse is not an it, they are a human we loved or still love. The human heart takes time to heal and for each it is different. I recommend the forum links for divorce where people who are separated post and it will be an eye opener and beneficial for you as well. I pray that God gives you the strength to not give up... hang in there... life is not fair, never has been but we can react to everything or we can live through everything, there is a difference...

Hi SoccerGuy--
You're lonely, and Iceland just trashed England in Euro 2016. Bad all around.
Okay, I'm kidding...but your user name IS "SoccerGuy"...
Back to the serious stuff: my Mum died in 2009 after a four-year decline due to dementia. It was heartbreaking in a way that was much worse than my first wife dying of cancer.
Tonight, my wife is in another room, not talking to me, not one word. But that's okay: I went out to dinner with some friends without her, she never asked where I was going, who I was with, what they said about her, she never had the opportunity to wax poetic about their collective and individual faults and failings. It's great. I kind of like it this way.
The kids went away to camp, so last night it was just me and my silent wife. THAT got pretty lonely and it sucked. But there are things I can do: I can peruse the boards here, I can watch youtube on my iPhone, I can email a friend or two that I have left, I can email my kids at camp, I can think about them, wonder what they're up to, I can go to sleep.
Beyond that, I'm pretty clueless about how not to feel lonely: I think it just sucks and humans weren't wired to be alone when they don't want to be.