[MrMoose]

I guess the good part of that is I get to hang out at PsyC!
The downside of course is my wife and I are yet again in the midst of a huge multi-day fight over the usual (13yo lying about homework, sneaking cereal bars/candy etc).
I dont know if she's ready to have me go back into bed, but I sure dont want to given the torrent of abuse and sheer meanness she put me through this morning and yesterday. Yeesh.

[Whisper888]

Sorry Mr moose. Hang in there. Isn't it funny how in a marriage you fight about the same things over and over for 20 years....it's exhausting.

[Skeezyks]

Hello MrMoose: I'm sorry you're relegated to the couch! I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you & your wife may find a path to healing...

[MrMoose]

Update: the couch, for what it is worth, is an excellent place to think. It's a rare opportunity to be alone but not lonely. I've been thinking sbout my wife's behavior and mine, and unfortunately the more I read and think the more it looks like she has a lot of narcissistic tendencies and I have a ling history of codependent traits. Dang! I didn't want to get involved again with an alcoholic or drug addict and I didn't--except that yes, I did.

[MrMoose]

Another update: I'm back off the living room couch, but somewhat reluctantly. I keep mulling over the pros and cons of being divorced or remaining married. But I can't really tell if I'm just afraid or hopeful in unrealistically disproportionate amounts for one or the other. "Divorce in haste, repent at leisure." Wait, wasn't that...never mind...
In any event, I can just as easily pick up divorce proceedings a week or month or three months from now, so for now I'm waiting.

[MrMoose]

Update from 18 days later: my wife sat on the couch with me and gave me a tearful apology on June 8, which I accepted, so I was back in the bedroom for a while.
Things fell apart again this morning in reaction to the usual minor transgressions of our 13yo who abused television priveleges again. It's not that the 13yo didnt do what sneaky 13yos tend to do (watch tv when they're not supposed to). And the punishment fit the crime: no iPod or tv for next 8 weeks. My wife's punishment, however, once said 13yo was out of the house, was to rage and scream and throw things, threaten violence, divorce, loss of parental rights, loss of home, death. You know, the usual stuff.
My part in this is I'm not as strict as my wife. But objectively I think taking away the kid's iPod for 8 weeks seems sufficient. And the reaction is as usual over the top.
Anyway, my wife's behavior is too extreme, as usual, and I hate existing like this, living in fear of the next blowup, so I'm going to start up the separation proceedings again, which were on hold as of June 9.

[hannabee]

well, sorry, but I think 2 months to way too long for that transgression. What would be the punishment if you caught him smoking or drinking?

I used to make my kids write an essay about the transgression and, in your case, why his actions affect your level of trust in him. That's really what it is all about, right? I might also take the ipod away for 2-3 days, or so, something they can comply with. To a 13 year old 2 months is a lifetime. Just my opinion, sorry you are going through this.

I assume your wife went ballistic because she also thought the punishment was extreme??? My H finally gave up being a control freak about the kids. I was the primary caregiver, so he really shouldn't have been so bossy about them. Like I said, he finally quit it and we got along much better after that.

[MrMoose]

QUOTE:
I assume your wife went ballistic because she also thought the punishment was extreme???
END QUOTE

Um, no--she thought it was far too lenient. She also wanted to cancel sleepaway camp for the kid.

[TishaBuv]

You're living in a war zone and that poor child is caught in it. I suggest family therapy.

My parenting style is totally different. I never even had any discussion about anything like they watched TV when they weren't supposed to. The only times I ever had to enforce restrictions on my kids was when they were doing something that was really hurting them.

It sounds like there is way too much going wrong in your home between the three of you.

I'm not sure if separation/divorce is even the priority. I think help for your family unit and your child should be addressed first.

[MrMoose]

I've been trying for 8 months to get some kind of family therapy, but my wife doesnt believe there's anything wrong with herself and refuses. She says it's all my child's fault for being disobedient and also mine for being too lenient. It's rather an uphill climb for me. I've spent the past few years wondering if its easier to stay married or get divorced.Lately I'm coming down on the side of it's really going to be better to get separated and divorced.

When she was raging was she threatening your parental rights? On what grounds or was she just out of control? She should be concerned about her behavior. Stating the obvious, I guess.

[MrMoose]

When my wife is raging there's always a kernel of truth to what she's raging about. The problem is the degree to which she is raging is completely out of proportion. For instance: kid downloads 5 episodes (older kid bought them last year, so just downloaded not spent money on) to an iPod, wife rages at child, takes away iPod, wants to take away sleepaway camp, rages at me for letting child do "whatever the f***" the child wants to do, says I'm a bad father, a bad husband.

The wife has done this before, with pretty much every transgression (some from the child, some from me, not counting yelling due to her OCD)--it used to be every 3 or 4 months, now it's every 2-3 weeks.

[TishaBuv]

What's wrong with him downloading something that he didn't even spend money on? Is he getting punished for anything he does? Is is abuse on your wife's part?

[hannabee]

my apologies, I misunderstood. so sorry

[MrMoose]

Originally Posted by hannabee

my apologies, I misunderstood. so sorry

Not to worry--your assumption and reaction were NORMAL... my wife's assumptions and reactions are as usual ABnormal, which is part of my ongoing problem.