[Crash1181]

I think I have to divorce my wife.

I'm almost 35 years old. She is 32, and we have a soon-to-be 5-year old daughter. My daughter means everything to me at this point. My wife used to share that title with her, but it seems like every day I'm growing less and less tolerant of our relationship.

We both claim that the other is mentally abusing (she has said "**** you" to me dozens of times), and we both have been asking for the other to change things for years. The difference is I have been asking my wife to grow-up (which she acknowledges because of poor up-bringing) and fix bad habits (e..g smoking, cursing in front of our daughter, learning from her mistakes and paying the price)..... she is asking me to be a different person mentally. I really don't have near the bad habits and I'm far more mature.

Divorce has been mentioned several times in the past, but then for one reason or another one of us will just let it go and try to "stick it out". Well last night I reached my tipping point and told my wife I was done with this marriage. She then proceeded to go ballistic (which I got on audio recording). After awhile she then started to physically abuse me trying to get the camera from me that I was using to record her. So then I tried to upload the files to my cloud drive and change my password because we both have access to eachothers' accounts. Well the problem is her email account is the recovery for my account so she didn't authorize the password change, then proceeded to change my password herself. So now I'm locked out and she refuses to give me the password until I give her the tape.

She has a long history of mental issues, which she has been to counseling for, for years.

We are both stubborn about this, blaming eachother. However, everything inside me says I genuinely react to her issues first. I may not be seeing things how they are, but I swear I find myself thinking "I can't believe I entered that situation level-headed and she still got offended and started yelling at me".

I don't know what to do. At this point I just want to move on as a divorced father and find happiness again, but she has shown distinct signs that this divorce process is going to be long and painful. I would be more than happy to split everything 50/50 as long as I get to see my daughter 50% of the time too, but she thinks she deserves the normal treatment that mothers get with regard to custody. I don't want my daughter to suffer through divorce arguments, but at this point I think that would be less damaging than staying together in a bad marriage and having her hear the fighting non-stop. I'm hoping that because she is not even 5 yet, that her mother and I can find a new normal before she goes through adolescence.

Anyone have any thoughts? I'm sure plenty of people will suggest marriage counseling. The problem with that is it costs a lot, and we had already tried couples counseling years back before we got married or had our daughter and it didn't help at all. I don't want to invest a lot of time and money into counseling with the possibility that in the end she will still try to spent $1,000s on a lawyer to screw me over anyway. Also, then I lose out on precious time with my daughter at an important age.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Crash1181: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry. But my perspective with regard to this is, if this divorce is going to happen, (& assuming your daughter's mother will have custody which, from what you wrote, it sounds like she will) you simply walk away (financially speaking) & start over. The "assets", whatever they are, stay with the child & the custodial parent... no 50/50. (You, of course have a legal right to visitation.) I'm sure that's not what you want to hear. But it is my honest perspective.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Crash1181]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello Crash1181: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry. But my perspective with regard to this is, if this divorce is going to happen, (& assuming your daughter's mother will have custody which, from what you wrote, it sounds like she will) you simply walk away (financially speaking) & start over. The "assets", whatever they are, stay with the child & the custodial parent... no 50/50. (You, of course have a legal right to visitation.) I'm sure that's not what you want to hear. But it is my honest perspective.

I don't understand. Why do you think this?

[BipolarMama31]

Im sorry you've lived through such a toxic environment for so long.

I admire your bravery in deciding divorce is the logical next step.

I would say get an attorney asap. This sounds like it will be a messy divorce.

Get access to that video and use it to get a protective order against her and for your child. That is clearly a toxic situation for a child to be in. An attorney will help you with this.
Do not leave your home, or you will risk losing more in the distribution of assets.
But talk to a lawyer first.

My husband went through something VERY similar with his ex. They have 50/50 now. But it started with her getting arrested and a protective order until she went through anger management. He gave her the house and everything in it in exchange for no alimony.

It was 3 years of courts and lawyers.
But stay strong and keep your childs needs at number 1.

Good luck!

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk

[MrMoose]

it sounds like a consult with a lawyer is in order. My wife goes on and on about a long drawn-out painful divorce and it might end up that way, but I know that first and foremost its a tactic designed to instill fear and lots of it.

[healingme4me]

Certainly sounds like time to consult with an attorney. Sounds like a toxic environment in which to raise a child.

Mothers might seem statistically prefered for custody, however that might be part of the result of how job hours overlap and who tends to take the child to the doctors, etc. It's rather about stability for the child. My father had primary custody when my parents divorced, made logistical sense. I have primary custody due to my exes work and other circumstances, makes logistical sense.

[Mid-Life-Larry]

It sounds like you are living in a bad situation. It sounds like you don't think there will be much change (even if you do try counseling)... Like others said, get a lawyer... and protect yourself and your daughter.

Otherwise, you'll be in your 'mid-life' continuing to work and plan for retirement; then BAMMM!!! one day SHE will decide it's time to move on... and you'll be wondering what the heck happened and what to do next !!!

Peace and good luck man!

[sahm22]

Your situation is scary-accurate to the situation I am going through myself. Being that as it may, I don't have advice, but I wish you the best outcome!