realistic visitation and amendments as circumstance changes

I was horrified to hear an aquaintance talk about all the school her son is going to miss. She and her ex have had a shared parenting arrangement. But the child's father is moving cities. She actually intends to pull the boy out of school for two weeks each month so he can still live with his dad.

I've said this is ridiculous - and it is. I'm pretty sure there is no jurisdiction out there that would insist such a coparenting arrangment be maintained.

In my own case the father of my children and I worked out something suitable on our own but I am wondering what other people's experiences and thoughts are. In this situation the father has taken a job about 4hrs away. To make matters more difficult, this teenager is still being babysat (!!) so I see him going back and forth on his own out of the question. Mother does not drive either.

I cannot imagine any judge finding favor in such an arrangement. Not at all. The son needs stability in his school situation. Are they choosing to homeschool him, now?

If anything I have learned about custody, keeping in mind a couple of years ago, I had gone through a long legal court case petitioning to relocate myself and my children, to another state. I'm stuck in my current state, their father was current on child support and I've no family where I planned to move and limited friends-not much different than where I am now, but he stated concern about being "even more isolated."

With that said, I learned the non custodial parent can move where ever and however far away as suits them. However, visitation would need to be modified.

Even my custody arrangements have changed through the years, not that my children ever spend the nights away from me.

Shortchanging their education would be neglectful. Even the judge, as I did wind up moving one community over during the fracus of my petition, clearly stated "do not move from where you are. The kids need stability." my moving was a socio-political end result, neither here nor there as I still "won" in my eyes, because my ex insisted never were the kids to be here. I had wanted a different community for years. Too many bad marital memories and for economic reasons.

Who is she catering to with this, anyways? Is she being manipulated by her ex?

If the son missed that much school in my district, they call dss to the home to find out why. (Only if there are no drs notes for example)
But thats just my district. Each is different.

I see no positive in that arrangement for the child, unless they are going to be home schooling.

This makes no sense. Neither parent has the childs 'best interest' in mind, as they say in court.

I think this is a case of being afraid to rock the boat. My friend deals with a great deal of anxiety choosing to opt for avoidance whenever she can.

Now this is what I don't understand. This child already misses far too much school. He seems to not have to go if he doesn't want to (again opting to not rock the boat or have the battle I suspect). In addition I've noted he doesn't go if she feels unable to walk him. This is the way it's apparently been for years and I am guessing the school has done nothing about it.

I am concerned now about her own needs and health. Remember this teenager is still babysat. She is starting to isolate herself since her ex left town under the misguided belief she can't leave the house without childcare.

I think you are right to be worried about her. She sounds depressed maybe? Or going in that direction. And it seems her mood is impacting her son.

Can you offer her suggestions of therapists maybe? I did that for my friend last year when she was really down. It was just a small suggestion and she took it and we called and made an appointment while i was still there.

I hope for the best for this family.

A bit of an update. I offended my friend today. But is that not what friends are for - to intervene when t's neccessary?

I admit I went a round about way and was pretty much passive agressive but think I drew her around to understanding she really needs to step up to the plate and see that the boy gets to school.

Okay, as for visitation. I am strugglng here with communicating her responsibilities. I tried to suggest to her that his dad may have his own feelings about maintaining his school studies. Unfortunately she took this to mean I was saying he would shirk his own responsibilities which would mean he didn't want the boy (I can't win it seems).

Is the father insistent that the current and local visitation schedule remain as is, despite his move? Or is she pushing this as he was the one, if I read correctly new posts, who left?

Either way, children do not belong in the middle. It takes a long time, if not a lifetime, if ever to reconcile being a pawn. That was my childhood experience, it was both overt and covert.

I do hear your expressed concern about a 13 year old with being babysat. Independence comes with little moments of testing the waters. Trust can be earned that way. Could a prepaid cell phone help alleviate the worry? It can be a wonderful experience breaking down barriers of fear and watching them grow into someone who understands where the lines are drawn as far as personal life decisions.

Or do they live in a dangerous neighborhood where it's legitimized to worry about them walking out the door?

My ex is such a worry wart on many things. I actually let my kids go to the park which is nearby, without me. 13 years old in my geographic area is old enough to watch over siblings only. And 10 is old enough to be alone. Not that I go off to far away lands or anything. But if one is sick from school, a few hours is ok. Not that my younger two get sick much. It's my teen that has a few too many sick days than I like, but his pediatrician has been informed by me and he's physically healthy. He's well within school guidelines. 5-6 days a school year, is too many in my book. At the same time, I went through similar in my teens. Fatigue it was. He sleeps late on those days. Only misses seeing me by about an hour. I know most every friend. Aquainted with most every parent of these friends. Plus his cousins, the 4 of them are within 2.5 years of one another. The other "win" by moving back here. They go to school together, well had, high school split them up this year.

I'm rambling and at a loss. Not a complete loss, my ex would have mine in my constant sight had I remained married. Controlling the situation and moreso of me in that overbearing sense.

I'm thinking 1) the father doesn't know any better; and 2) she is afraid to rock the boat.

As for the neighbourhood she lives in, yeah it's pretty 'sketchy'. I wouldn't say crime ridden or anything like that just very low socio-demographically. Truancy has sadly become normal in her community. And frankly I don't believe the neighbourhood is the source of her fears. SHe just plain is too attached to this boy - and dad seems to encourage it apparently