[CrimsonKing]

I've been dealing alot with issues because my wife and I are separated and she doesn't try to help work on saving the marriage. But recently another thought has come to me. A man knocked on my door the other day to serve a court summons to my wife because she hasn't paid a medical bill that she owes. When he asked if she was here I told him no, that she had left me over a month ago. After the man left, I called my wife to tell her about the summons. She asked me what I had told the man. I told her that I had told him that, "you had left me over a month ago." Her reply was, "why didn't you just tell him that we are separated." It was then that I realized that maybe this whole thing may not be a separation. Her lack of trying to communicate and lack of trying to reconcile. Maybe I actually said the exact thing by saying that she left me. She was having a hard time with things before she left. Her brother and sister in law had asked her if she wanted to come and spend a little time at their place to relax and recoup. She left to go there and then ended up going over to her sister's house right after. Then she informed me that she wasn't coming back. My wife and I never agreed on a separation at all. It just happened exactly like that. Now with her being gone and me trying everything that I know to try to keep my marriage from ending I have to realize that I may not be dealing with a separation but an abandonment. I've been through every emotion possible I believe in trying to figure out how to make things work between us. The loneliness and restlessness is the worst. It always leaves me feeling so defeated and empty. Should I just consider that she decided to leave me instead of separate? How do I go on?

[TimTheEnchanter]

I am sorry, I am in a shaky marriage (my second), so I feel your pain. It is hard for me to offer emotional support as I am unable to figure my domestic life out. Being alone sucks and it is my biggest fear, but if she left you than there is nothing you can do but hope. Do not pay her debt, to expect she might come back because if you do that will keep her away even more. So the issue of the separation/abandonment...This seems like a legal question? Am I right? You are afraid to be on the hook for her debt? You are not but some lawyer/debt collector might want to harass you and pretend that you are. Ask some professional because I am not a lawyer...
Money is a big problem, and it is increasingly a problem with metal illness...medical bills, gambling, sucky job market(even job discrimination) are all an added burden.
If she left you, you have a right to question the semantics but either it is a separation or abandonment it makes no difference only in the eyes of the law. (if you are asking this before talking with a divorce lawyer)?
Just my 2 cents....

[eyesclosed]

yes i know how u feel i am disabled 3 weeks after the accident i get divorce papers and leaves no income and can hardly take care of myself. what did u and her have problems with. what state do u liv in if its a no fault divorce state 50/50 all debt pension ira 401-k it sounds more like abadonment if u both didn't talk about her leaving and both approving it sucks i know its been over a year now for me

[Rose76]

It sounds like you're trying to guess what your wife intends, without feeling like you really know what she is planning.

I don't think you are getting anywhere by thinking in terms of "saving the marriage." It sounds like there is this third "entity," almost like a third person - The Marriage. A marriage isn't like an historical landmark that has some intrinsic claim on being preserved. Your wife isn't wanting to be with you, while you seem to want to be with her. If you have little grasp of why she is exiting the relationship, then that right there suggests you've not been real tuned in to her. I'm not saying you've been inattentive. Maybe you were making assumptions about things. Notice: that seems to be what you are trying to do now - "Should I just assume she has left me?"

Maybe it's time to put aside all assumptions and ask yourself what you actually know. At one time, your wife wanted to be with you. Presumably, that's why she married you. Something happened. Nothing about this is random. Maybe there's been a financial setback. There came to be an issue between the two of you, and it's gotten so bad that she left. Maybe she met a man who presented her with a better offer. But she wouldn't be open to that, unless something was already wrong at home. Maybe one of you developed a health problem. Something specific is driving this. Get a fix on that, and you'll be better able to discern her intentions.

You don't have to tell us here. But get real with yourself. Something has been going on in your home that led to this. You must have some idea what because you live there.

Speaking as a woman, it's been my experience that men have a tendency to hope that they can make things be alright by insisting they have no idea what could possibly be wrong. Nothing pisses a woman off more than that.

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. It might help you to talk a bit about what brought you and your wife to this juncture.