[Jadenmia1]

My husband and i are going through a terrible rough patch. I want it to work so badly, but im struggling to see that as an option now.

Financially we are at rock bottom after i fell pregnant with our 3rd baby and both of us lost our jobs. Since, he has struggled to find permanent work and his lack of child support for his ex caused him to lose his license. He is an impulsive spender and struggles to stay in work due to his uncontrollable anger which has gotten worse recently.
Lately, i have become nervous that he is controlling. Iv felt like nothing i do is good enough, im always worried that something is going to anger him so i try and avoid it at all costs.

I wanted to sit down and discuss how im feeling about everything and how we could improve but he refused. He said he doesnt want to discuss anything and said im making it an unnecessary big deal. Iv asked him to call child maintenence since they are now cutting into our childrens tax benefits and he refuses and gets angry.

I feel hopeless. He has stopped showing love or affection and im now greeted with angry looks or just avoidance.

I stay home with our young children because we cant afford the daycare. I cant afford further education and im just miserable. I feel like i would have more oppurtunity without him.. but i fear these thoughts are also negatively affecting our relationship.

How can i communicate with someone who doesnt want to? He says no to couples therapy, iv told him that im tired of nagging to talk. That he can come to me when hes ready.. but it has been 2 weeks now and not a word.

Any advice?? I want to save our family. But im out of ideas.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time, however, I don't know what you can do, since he want talk about the problems. Maybe you should go to counseling on your own. It might help you deal with everything that's going on and give you perspective on the situation.

[Jadenmia1]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time, however, I don't know what you can do, since he want talk about the problems. Maybe you should go to counseling on your own. It might help you deal with everything that's going on and give you perspective on the situation.

Thank you. I keep thinking maybe im overreacting and just continue as normal like everything is fine. I used to be so determined and hopeful for our situation .. but then i wonder why i should put my thoughts and feelings on the back burner.. all he keeps saying is 'everything is fine' .. which makes me feel like maybe im crazy.
I have had anxiety and depression because of this and start seeing a therapist in december. Im looking forward to be able to talk to someone about it all.

Originally Posted by Jadenmia1

My husband and i are going through a terrible rough patch. I want it to work so badly, but im struggling to see that as an option now.

Financially we are at rock bottom after i fell pregnant with our 3rd baby and both of us lost our jobs. Since, he has struggled to find permanent work and his lack of child support for his ex caused him to lose his license. He is an impulsive spender and struggles to stay in work due to his uncontrollable anger which has gotten worse recently.
Lately, i have become nervous that he is controlling. Iv felt like nothing i do is good enough, im always worried that something is going to anger him so i try and avoid it at all costs.

I wanted to sit down and discuss how im feeling about everything and how we could improve but he refused. He said he doesnt want to discuss anything and said im making it an unnecessary big deal. Iv asked him to call child maintenence since they are now cutting into our childrens tax benefits and he refuses and gets angry.

I feel hopeless. He has stopped showing love or affection and im now greeted with angry looks or just avoidance.

I stay home with our young children because we cant afford the daycare. I cant afford further education and im just miserable. I feel like i would have more oppurtunity without him.. but i fear these thoughts are also negatively affecting our relationship.

How can i communicate with someone who doesnt want to? He says no to couples therapy, iv told him that im tired of nagging to talk. That he can come to me when hes ready.. but it has been 2 weeks now and not a word.

Any advice?? I want to save our family. But im out of ideas.

[TishaBuv]

Your post says you're confused about your h. But look at all the bad things you know about him; dead beat dad, gambling problem, etc... Are you confused because you are expecting good results from someone who has such bad, destructive behavior?

[Jadenmia1]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Your post says you're confused about your h. But look at all the bad things you know about him; dead beat dad, gambling problem, etc... Are you confused because you are expecting good results from someone who has such bad, destructive behavior?

Im more confused because i feel i should be trying everything i can to save our marriage. I feel so guilty for even thinking about bailing on him. When things hit rock bottom, he begs me to help him. But then when it comes to it, he acts angry when i try.
The guilt i feel is overwhelming.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Jadenmia1

Im more confused because i feel i should be trying everything i can to save our marriage. I feel so guilty for even thinking about bailing on him. When things hit rock bottom, he begs me to help him. But then when it comes to it, he acts angry when i try.
The guilt i feel is overwhelming.

You mentioned some serious bad qualities about him. Did you know about his lack of child support for his former family before marrying him and starting a new family with him?

What are his good qualities? What makes you think you will get good results from someone who has acted so destructively?

Why do you feel such guilt? What did you do wrong?

[Jadenmia1]

No i wasnt aware of any of this when we married. He did pay child support when we met. His ex took him to court for 2 years backpay from during the time he didnt know when the child was his bio child. (Dna testing) which resulted in almost 18,000 debt.
Since he has basically turned his back on it. I knew him years before we married and he always was employed.. seemed to have his stuff together.

I started noticing this about 1-2 years into our marriage during my pregnancy with our son. He started lying, i realized the extent of his debt and also lack of motivation and commitment.

I was starting to feel the end was near when my son turned 1.. right about that time my birth control failed and i found out i was pregnant again. I couldnt bring myself to terminate the pregnancy so i continued and hoped for the best.
Now our youngest is 6 months and it is worse than ever.

His good qualities seem to be running short now.. he used to be amazing with me and my children. Caring, strong and protective. Passionate and always making sure our family was well looked after and having fun. He cooks dinner for us every night and so on.

I guess i feel guilt because i wonder if hes going through depression or some other kind of problem. That i should be helping and not leaving him.
For example, this morning i woke up with the babies early and let him sleep in like he asked. At 9am he woke up in a terrible mood, was angry that i didnt wake him up. He refused to wait for me while i got the kids dressed, and left to town without me even though i told him i needed to go. He had emptied my purse around the floor looking for my bank card, obviously in a angry fit. He had taken my makeup bag and thrown it to the back of the cupboard behind some stuff.
When he came back he was all smiles and apologized. Told me he bought my favourite breakfast and said he was just grumpy. Kissed me for the first time in days and grabbed the kids and started cooking.

Am i overreacting? Am i crazy? Should i accept that anger is his personality flaw? I have no idea.

[Rainstoppedplay]

Maybe the first year was the 'honeymoon' period. Now that's over he's not trying to be perfect any more.
You are not overreacting, you are not crazy and no, you should not accept anger and bad treatment, you and your children deserve a better more peaceful stable home life than this.
I would put a time limit on it. Say, 6 months/a year.
I stuck a miserable marraige for 22 years, don't waste you life like I did. if he don't improve GET OUT.

[Jadenmia1]

Thank you. Im sorry you stayed in a bad relationship for so long.
I cant help feeling a little crazy with the way he reacts to what i say and when i try to talk to him. I feel bad for him because i love him.. but im not even sure i love the man he is now or used to be. I feel so unsupportive being tough on him. But i need to see some sort of baby steps to improvement because right now hes dragging all of us down with him and its not fair in my eyes.

[TishaBuv]

His behavior you described today sounds like he may be doing drugs. The huffy way he left, didn't take you, then came back in a better mood.

[Jadenmia1]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

His behavior you described today sounds like he may be doing drugs. The huffy way he left, didn't take you, then came back in a better mood.

Not very likely. He just gets like that all the time. I keep count of all our money. He doesnt have a bank account since child maintenence enforcement froze his so everything goes through mine now and i would notice money being pulled from atm and would know 100% if he was high.
Hes not high or drunk. This is how he acts ALL the time.