[Erebos]

Is not to instill our own fears and failures onto our children.
Not to burden them with our insecurities.

I learnt the hard way you can't hide this stuff from them.
And naming it and discussing it,takes a lot of the power from these things.

Eugh, but I am still working on it.

By the way is guilt just a default setting all parents have?

[eskielover]

I dont feel guilt for what happened the last 13 years of my marriage & how it effected my daughter her senior year of highschool.

I now understand why my reaction was what it was & it was horrinle for my daughter....after I finally got out of the bad marriage I have had a chance to work through most of it with my daughter & I have apologized for how the horrible stuff i was going through had a bad effect on her. We communicate via text becauseshe hates talking on the phone. I have never bashed her dad but we have been able to be honest about what the issues were that drove me to the bad point where I was. Its nice to have reasonable communications with her & know that we love each other now that we have all survivedthose horrible 13 years & are now finally in our own safe places. Maybe I had to go through that bad stuff tofinally break free from the bad marrisge & regain my life or maybe gain my life gor the first time in the 54 years I had been aluve at thattime. For that I will NEVER feel guilty only thankful to be able to have lived through it & to now have a new life. My daughter now understands that while we both now understand the cause of his dysfunction & we are ok as long as we dont have to live with it ever again.

Growing up my moms insecurities hurt me in many ways but I thought is was normal until I learned what normal was. Hada dad who had no concept of emotional connection & a mom who was so insecure she couldnt do anything outside the house. I thought my parents were diferent & was embarrassed to be in public with them but I didnt understand why until a few years ago long after both have died. It was enlightening to realize that I wasnt the one with the problem after I got around functional people I truly related to....its been an interesting road to travel these last few years of my life....my parents had no concept of their dysfunction...totally oblivious.....but thats ok just would love to talk with someone who even saw a little ofwhat I saw but most are no longer living that knew them.

Originally Posted by Erebos

Is not to instill our own fears and failures onto our children.
Not to burden them with our insecurities.

I learnt the hard way you can't hide this stuff from them.
And naming it and discussing it,takes a lot of the power from these things.

Eugh, but I am still working on it.

By the way is guilt just a default setting all parents have?

Understand these feelings and am still struggling in this area. I have 22 and 24 year olds at home; they are not self sufficient. I feel some responsibility about their situtation--I try to be encouraging and keep communication open. The situation is still the main source of stress between H and I. If only I could figure this one out then, really, I would have no real problems at all.....

[Erebos]

Oh I don't feel guilty for the relationship with their father going to hell.
I just feel guilty.
Guilty for not having enough, not doing enough,though I can't see how much more I could have.done more.
Guilty for being honest,guilty for not being honest.
Guilty that I didn't leave sooner. Guilty that it didn't work.
Guilty that we weren't grown up enough not to make a mess of everything.
Guilty for brining them into this fkt up world.

Just guilty.

[Whisper888]

Yes Erobos. I believe it is the nature of being a parent. No matter the choice you always feel guilty. I think if you have their wellbeing in mind...you can't go wrong. And realizing that your wellness and happiness is tied to theirs is a huge realization. Take care.

[Grandessa]

Carl Jung said the greatest damage to a child is the unlived life of the parent.

Boom. Done.

Grandessa

[MrMoose]

I feel guilty when I choose my wife over my kids and I feel guilty when I choose my kids over my wife. And I feel like it would be better to separate because why the hell do I feel like I need to choose one over the other???
(Rhetorical--I know the answer: my wife is far more controlling and strict than anyone else I know and I believe that short term and long term some of it is great and some of it is really bad for the kids)

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Erebos

Is not to instill our own fears and failures onto our children.
Not to burden them with our insecurities.

I learnt the hard way you can't hide this stuff from them.
And naming it and discussing it,takes a lot of the power from these things.

Eugh, but I am still working on it.

By the way is guilt just a default setting all parents have?

I'm not sure if default or social construct?

My oldest is 14 now, I want to say that he was 12 when he very seriously asked me, "how the heck did you survive your childhood?" He and his brothers had spent some time with my father.

I refuse to victimize myself to the weight of the world. That Jung quote ^^ speaks volumes, to me. I don't see an unlived life in terms of the sowing of wild oats, but more of etching my identity beyond motherhood.

Refusing to accept guilt for circumstances beyond my control/capacity. Whilst accepting responsibility for what belongs to me. And working on that.

[eyesclosed]

I don't know if it was the right thing to tell my step kids. When ever there was a problem I would tell them this is my first time being a step Dad and your first time being a step child and were both going to make mistakes along the way if we learn from it and forgive then we learned a lesson together.

[InMyEyes]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I dont feel guilt for what happened the last 13 years of my marriage & how it effected my daughter her senior year of highschool.

I now understand why my reaction was what it was & it was horrinle for my daughter....after I finally got out of the bad marriage I have had a chance to work through most of it with my daughter & I have apologized for how the horrible stuff i was going through had a bad effect on her. We communicate via text becauseshe hates talking on the phone. I have never bashed her dad but we have been able to be honest about what the issues were that drove me to the bad point where I was. Its nice to have reasonable communications with her & know that we love each other now that we have all survivedthose horrible 13 years & are now finally in our own safe places. Maybe I had to go through that bad stuff tofinally break free from the bad marrisge & regain my life or maybe gain my life gor the first time in the 54 years I had been aluve at thattime. For that I will NEVER feel guilty only thankful to be able to have lived through it & to now have a new life. My daughter now understands that while we both now understand the cause of his dysfunction & we are ok as long as we dont have to live with it ever again.

Growing up my moms insecurities hurt me in many ways but I thought is was normal until I learned what normal was. Hada dad who had no concept of emotional connection & a mom who was so insecure she couldnt do anything outside the house. I thought my parents were diferent & was embarrassed to be in public with them but I didnt understand why until a few years ago long after both have died. It was enlightening to realize that I wasnt the one with the problem after I got around functional people I truly related to....its been an interesting road to travel these last few years of my life....my parents had no concept of their dysfunction...totally oblivious.....but thats ok just would love to talk with someone who even saw a little ofwhat I saw but most are no longer living that knew them.

This was my upbringing I can still hear my mother ranting and raving about my dad. He was unable to communicate well with her and he didn't want to hear much what she had to say anyway in retrospect. He was fifteen years older than her, that may have had something to do with it but I know his communication skills were lacking as well. I was pretty much my mother's counselor it seems. They were good people, took great care in physical ways as we were well taken care of and never went without. But I'll be darned if I can have a healthy relationship.