Finally told husband I want out...

My husband and I have been together for 13 years and it's been rocky from the beginning. I caught him having sexual conversations with women 6 months in and then numerous other times throughout the marriage.

He has also been very controlling and verbally abusive. The most recent example of this is when I was using the can opener and it got stuck. I asked him to help me and he went on a rant, yelling at me because he said I broke the 12 year old can opener, he said "leave it to you to screw up a can opener. How can you be so pathetic that you don't know how to use a can opener without screwing it up? It isn't breaking because it's old. Can openers don't break. Tell that to my mom who has a 30 year old can opener. You've done something to screw it up, as usual. Typical, dumb behavior and not accepting responsibility" This is just a small example of how things are on a regular basis.

In addition to all the times I caught him talking to other women, I cheated on him for a month, 5 years ago. When he found out, he finally agreed to go to therapy and work on our marriage. He had some ground rules, which I followed because I felt so terrible for my behavior, which included cutting off any friends that knew about my affair, allowing him to track me on my phone, and writing and reading a confession letter to his siblings. Once we got in to therapy, it seemed that we made great strides. We got a lot of feelings out I the open. He admitted he had never really wanted to be married, and admitted that talking to other women was wrong and acknowledged I should be hurt by this behavior (normally he would tell me I shouldn't be bothered by it and only was because I'm an insecure person). It felt good...for awhile.

However, about 1 1/2 years after we stopped therapy the verbal abuse began once again and about 2 years after that I found out he had been talking to another woman for years and the conversations had been sexual.

I recently graduated from college and began a new career, which has allowed me to become more self-confident. I began seeing my own therapist in August and have been working on over-coming co-dependency. My husband and I also began seeing a therapist in September, which has been a frustrating experience. My husband deflected and denied everything I said to the therapist and had her convinced that I am co-dependent on my mother. That seemed to be the focus of our most recent sessions, and I would leave each one feeling defeated. My husband actually clapped when our therapist told me I was in denial about my co-dependency with my mom. About the only thing useful that she said was that my husband treated me like a child and as if he were above me. She seemed to buy in to everything that my husband claimed, even excused the fact I had recently asked him to get rid of a certain female "friend" on Facebook that has done nothing but disrespect our relationship for 13 years (they dated before we met) and who my husband had sent suggestive emails to (most recently I discovered that he had liked and commented on all of her selfies), but he refused to de-friend her when I told him I was not comfortable with him continuing to have contact with her. He said he'd have to "think about it" for awhile and the fact that I wanted him to de-friend her was crazy and insecure. The therapist actually agreed that he should have time to think about it! This is literally the ONLY person that I have ever asked him to de-friend, and he had lots of questionable females as Facebook friends.

Anyway, I've grown exponentially in recent months and realized that I can no longer live in a marriage like this. One that has never really been a marriage. So, last Monday I contacted a lawyer. My husband took my phone Monday night, found out I had contacted a lawyer, told me I was shady and he was convinced I am seeing someone else. He took off with my phone for 2 hours to investigate. When he found nothing he said he's going to hire a private investigator because I must be under someone's influence to feel this way. However, by Tuesday he was apologizing for treating me so badly over the years, saying he loves me more than he will ever loved anyone and he wants to really "try" now. He said he's had a breakthrough and realized his behavior has been based on his own pride and he's willing to change. When that didn't change my feelings, he went back to accusing me of cheating and threatening to have me followed, and it's been a roller-coaster every day since. Yesterday morning, I woke up earlier than him and he accused me of waking up early to delete things from my phone that I must be hiding. If I shower it's because I must be going to meet another man. I went shopping with my friend yesterday and he texted me throughout the day making comments about how I'm probably out with someone else or talking to someone through her.

On top of all of this, he still doesn't want to get divorced. He said he is not one to "give up" on anything and he will do anything to make it work, will always love me, and will not be away from our kids for any amount of time. He said that my wanting to be divorced is selfish and that he can't believe I could be so cold toward him and want to put our kids through this or want to be away from our kids. He said I'm throwing 13 years out the window and giving up the man who will love me more than anyone ever could.

I feel terrible, and guilty, and selfish, but I just can't believe that he will change. I don't trust it. I heard all of this 5 years ago and the whole time he was talking to another woman. I am checked out. I feel like I could never let my guard down emotionally with him because he has hurt me so much over the years, with his words and with talking to other women...among other things I haven't even mentioned.

My question is...am I doing the right thing? Do I have a right to feel this way and to want out? Am I being selfish? I feel so guilty that it's making me sick.

Hello Daisy1122: I'm sorry you find yourself in this most difficult situation. About all I can say is that, from my perspective, people don't change a whole lot. What you have experienced over the past 13 years is probably what you can expect to experience more of if you stay with your husband. I can't tell you if what you're doing is right. But you certainly do have a right to your feelings. Is it selfish to leave? I don't know... maybe / maybe not. But one can only tolerate so much. And if you've had it... you've had it.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

You are doing the right thing..for sure....listen to your therapist and your heart.

Id quit the marriage counselor it seems that she can not be objective. I don't see it as selfish to be wanting to be treated with respect. I also don't see that you have anything to feel guilty for.

so sorry he does really need you but what I think is by no means make me right. It sounds like he takes his anger out on you by doing the things he knows brings you down and that makes him feel good but he is the victim and makes you feel guilty but really your the victim and if and when you decide to divorce you will have a hard time but in the end the more your away from him your head will start to clear and you will see the truth. I could be wrong but it's the way I see it sorry

Um, wow... so many things wrong with this. He made you write a confession letter to his siblings and read it to them? What are you, 5? I am glad you are having more confidence. This man is emotionally abusive and controlling. I am glad you are getting out. Your children will thank you in the long run.

Seesaw

Run from that guy.

Don't feel bad and guilty from getting away from him! Don't let him do that to yourself. He knows he is about to lose a damn good woman and that is his own fault. I don't know how you have done it for so long. But I'm so glad you are getting out. Yes, run! You deserve sooo much better. Your kids shouldn't have to see their mom be treated this way, it's not right. This guy is something else!!! And that marriage counselor.. What the!! I hope you will give an update.. Please take care of yourself.

Get out. My ex was similar always putting me down. He used to call me 's##t for brains' Ugh.

this x 1,000,000,000.
At least.

Save yourself please. This man does not have your best interests at heart -- only his OWN comfort, convenience, and (IMO) a HUGE overdose of self-justification.

Please be safe.

Best,

Chyia, terrified on your behalf tbh

You are doing the right thing Daisy1122
It is the many years of emotional control & abuse that has you in a state of self-doubt and uncertainty

I had a deal breaker with my own not long ago. He did not honour it & I had to do the same thing. Leaving. It is the first time that I held firm in all the years with him.
The 'victim card', 'guilt card', put downs were soon served to me.

It is difficult after a long period of time to see clearly, but you need to leave NOW while you still have some 'semblance of self'
These personality types are definitely controlling & manipulating & it only gets worse with time.

Good luck - work on yourself

I feel your pain, Daisy.

Last February I made the decision to end my marriage after nearly 11 years together. It isn't an easy thing to do. But you have to do what in your heart is the right thing for yourself. If you start to ask yourself if you're happy, then it is time to have a sit down with your spouse.

There are times in the past year where I wondered if things would be different had I tried more years earlier. All I can say to that is not to overthink yourself. Listen to your own therapist and what they say to you. Listen to your heart and what it is telling you.

I'm thinking of you and wish you the best of luck.