Seeking Men in Open Marriage Post Divorce?

I'm wondering if anyone else has seen this tendency in themselves?

I was married 24 years to a lying, cheating narcissistic sociopath. Shortly after the divorce, a long time friend 'came out' to me as being in an open marriage. We were together for 2 years. I had no desire to be married, no desire to have anyone in my home or in my bed at night. I broke up with him for other reasons, other than unable to get married.

Fast forward 3 years after breakup. I was seeing someone else, he proposed multiple times, I turned down the chance for a nice house and life of ease with him.

I thought it was first, the timing (too soon after divorce), second the man himself (still think that.) But now I'm thinking I want marriage, 5 years down the road. I discovered someone I met via a dating site, who joined a social group I'm in, and thus has been a 'friend' for 5, 6 months now, actually IS married, in an open marriage.

He has suddenly become more appealing to me, and this disturbs me greatly.

Is there something psychologically or emotionally broken in me that I want a man in my life, but someone who is not going to demand marriage, commitment, and moving in with him?

Has anyone else experienced this? Is it fear of making the same mistake twice? Fear of being caught? Fear of having a man change after marriage--which is what I saw with my XH, a complete change in behavior and treatment of me after marriage?

I'm looking for answers as to why I would find a married man more appealing, and the path to healing what I think is a bad thing.

My values don't open up for that option because I REFUSE to ever have sex outside marriage. Only you have the answers to the questions you are seeking the answers to. Maybe there is more than one answer to your question also. Only you know your thoughts, feelings behind your actions in order to answer your questions. Everyone has different values & reasons for the choices they make in relationships after bad marriages.

Which option? I'm 100% with you. I have never slept with anyone but my ex-husband and will not have sex outside marriage, either.

I suppose we could say to anyone that only they have the answers. I'm looking for input from anyone who has experienced this and sorted it out, any input at all. I'm surprised at my reaction exactly because I would have said I'm the very last person on earth to have any interest in a married man. I have immediately backed away from any dating profile where I realize a man is separated--but still married.

The man I'm talking about now who joined this social group--I went to coffee with him the first time not realizing he was actually still married, and it only just came up a week or so ago in our group, and was a big surprise to me.

If you don't sleep with men outside marriage I wouldn't suggest even getting involved in an open marriage situation because that is usually what they are looking for, not just a talking companion.....open marriages from what I have observed are based on sex with multiple partners while married so if that's not what you want....don't go there.

Yes, open marriages are usually based on sex. The man I was seeing actually quit all his other activities to be with me, and wanted to be with me without sex. He probably was missing companionship and real love in his marriage.

However, I'm not asking IF I should get involved in an open marriage. Agreed. I should not. That's not the question.

I'm asking an emotional or psychological question--WHY someone would suddenly find a married man attractive when clearly it's not a good thing--fear of commitment, setting oneself up for failure, giving up? I'm asking what in the world might be going through my subconscious, so that I can fix it.

I suppose there is a possibility that you might be finding him attractive because he is a "safe" subject for fantasy because you know you will not take it farther.

I could be way off on this, relationships are hardly my forte.

It could be the "unavailable man" aspect that you are gravitating to? There's books out there about it. Has much to do with how you might internally see yourself? That whole self esteem thing. And then can involve some unresolved areas from childhood.

Open marriages are becoming more common. CNN recently did a series of articles about this social trend. I can't answer to how "normal" (whatever that means) it is to want to be with someone who is in an open marriage, but I'm that way. I would love to be with a woman in an open marriage. For me, part of it is the kinkiness of it and part of it is the desire to avoid commitment. I'm also just out of a divorce. I just don't want to go down the marriage path any time soon.

Sex is so complicated that it's hard to tell what parts of our sexuality stem from something unhealthy, but it's hard for me to believe that just because you have this preference that it's a sign of some problem.

Open marriages ... or being involved in one isn't anything I've ever considered. Not my thing.

I'm in a long-term, monogamous heterosexual relationship. We are both divorced. We aren't married because we like things how they are and we are going on nine years now. We are lifelong-committed partners (he gave me a diamond choker necklace to symbolize our commitment) and we've discussed getting married at some point, but not anytime soon. There are a few reasons for not marrying that I don't want post for privacy reasons.

People have their own preferences, their own "moral codes," religions, gender preferences and so on. I believe in unconditional, monogamous love. That's just me.

You were abused and had every bit of your trust broken. You are like a wounded bird trying to fly again. You want to feel that joy - yet you don't feel "safe" enough to try for the trust and security that comes with most relationsjips, because to do so means to put yourself at risk again. Right now you just want to feel someone finds you worthwhile of companiomship and enjoy the rush that comes with that knowledge. Nothing wrong in that - as long as you don't take it to a level that ends up hurting someone else. It just means you are not yet ready for the serious side of relationships, because you don't trust them yet...baby steps.

*hugs*

What's the point of being in a marriage if you aren't going to be monogamous? I never understood that. Forgive me if I'm being naïve or old fashioned, but to me, a marriage is supposed to be a sanctimonious bond between two people that means they are committed to one another and only one another.

To me, the term "open marriage" just doesn't compute. It's like an oxymoron.

With that all out of the way, I would suggest that the reason you're looking for all the things that come with a relationship, without the whole endgame of marriage, is because your only experience with marriage was a bad one and you can't go down that path again, ever.

You associate being in a marriage with bad feelings and emotions and want to avoid it at all costs.

Dear Butterfly 24,

I believe it is naive to think one can be sexually involved without a strong attachment growing. Sex is a very powerful thing, but most especially when shared with another with whom there is a growing romance. Playing with sex is playing with fire.

My view, for what it's worth,

Grandessa

Not that I don't disagree with breaking monogamy while married - because I do, but, as far as sex being a huge attachment - it depends on the person and the ocassion by which the act is committed. Some people I have known for example, have had sex as friends to help one feel better after a break up and yet neither felt anything other than friendship afterwards. There are other reasons it may happen as well - even between strangers - and still no attachment involved. Now, for me, the minute I kiss - there is an attachment .. or say/hear "I love you".. it doesn't even take as much as the full act of sex. But for some, they can turn off that part of their emotions to get whatever needs they have - met.

I think this has to do with the length and time of abuse you suffered. You may actually be never ready for marriage again after that amount of abuse. You also may want to break up a marriage to make yourself feel better. I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I'm not saying your bad person.

To whom are you addressing this?

Sounds like addressing OP.

That's kind of a pet peeve of mine, eskielover: when someone other than the person asked answers a question I asked specifically to a certain person