I have divorced (selfish) parents - need advice

I'm in a dilemma and I'm not sure how to make the right decision or what the right way to go about it is...

I'm 18. My parents are divorced and have been divorced for about 10 years. They still hate eachother immensely, don't communicate or co-parent with eachother, but instead communicate through me and my brother (which is AWFUL).

My mom's family has been planning a family get together party for a month and we settled on a date that will all work for us. Mainly, it's to celebrate my aunt, uncle, and cousin's birthday. My dad's family just planned a family get together on the same date that my mom's family party is...this is to celebrate my dad's birthday. My parents are very very selfish, so they will not move the dates. They also make me feel guilty.

I want to stop feeling guilty and people pleasing. What is the right way to go about this -- go to my dad's family party or my mom's family party? I considered splitting the day in half, but then it's a 3 hour drive and that's too much for me (also I'm done people pleasing). Anybody have advice or a perspective on this tricky issue? Thanks in advance.

Sorry about your parents. You said you're 18 - do you still live with them? I'd check which people are going to go to which party.. maybe you could go to the one where there are more people/relatives you feel comfortable with. Is that an option?

Also, no need to feel guilty.. it's not your fault

No guilt feelings no matter what your choice is.

You could choose neither.

Or you could choose which birthday person/people you feel closest to.

I would probably choose neither & send my birthday wishes to them all. If they say anything just say "I couldn't clone myself & couldn't divide myself so my only solution was to go to neither & if you want me to attend in the future plan your get togethers on different days."

If its a toss up, I say go with the party that was planned first, as it seems like you clearly knew about one of them first. Go to your mom's party and tell your dad sorry, but you already made plans for that day, but you wish him the best. I realize that your parents are selfish, but if you had input into your mom's party date, I'd attend that party. But this is just my take on it all. You're 18 now so its time to set down the rules. You're an adult so there's no reason for one parent to be communicating to you about the other. Just say "Mom, I'm not getting in between you and dad anymore. If you tell me to pass on information to him, I won't do it." And encourage your brother to do the same. Flip it around and say the same to your dad. They'll keep trying to communicate through you kids, but eventually they will give up. Your parents are engaging in this bad behavior simply because they can. If you refuse to be the middle man, the chain stops. They can stomp their feet and throw a fit, but its up to you to stay strong and not give in to their childish antics.

Tough call. Maybe your dad's birthday because he's your immediate family member, the other party is extended family. In the end it's whereever you'd rather be.