[Zedsdead]

Im here mostly to vent, listen to feedback and perhaps some validation.
I won't go into too much detail but my relationship is on its way out. After 5 years i think iv handled all that i can.
It started out as little problems, lack of commitment to his jobs. Quitting every single one after something happened, before finding another which left me to pick up the pieces. I saw it as a flaw that I could overlook and perhaps get better with maturity. Then came the anger, then the lying and he was getting a little rough during arguments. Holding me by the wrists, dragging me arms etc. There has been a few times he has hurt me.. but it was all forgotten about and never spoke about after.
I began to feel like I was in an abusive relationship. The more i read, the more it all sounded too familiar.
I joined forums, i asked for opinions and people said it sounded abusive. I confided in a friend, she told me that everything I was explaining sounded like her narcisstic ex, with a little more tact.

I worked myself up to confront him about his behaviour and tell him i was leaving. At first he was aggressive and threatening. Then he has turned a new leaf. Things have been looking up for him, he found a good job and is due to leave soon for over a month. He has been more pleasant around me, saying he loves me etc. But his odd views come out in other ways..

My plan is to pack up and leave with my kids when he leaves for work. I'm nervous as hell. Financially i won't be okay. Iv got numbers to call to help.. iv been saving money gradually since iv been a stay at home mother but my car crapped out and is going to cost over 2k to fix so that screwed me a little.

The problem is, I feel completely torn. I KNOW this behaviour is just to get me to stay. I know it won't ever change. If i stay, this is my life.. in misery.
But there is something inside me that makes me feel like im overreacting, like this is all normal and all couples go through bad phases.
I feel like im taking advantage if i call the shelter for help and get financial assistance. Maybe I'm not in an abusive relationship. Its a constant back and forth battle between knowing I need to run and staying, because that's what I promised him.

My head is spinning from the confusion. I just wish I could feel strong in my decision to leave. I just want to trust my intuition, but I see him and he makes me feel like everything is fine.

Any stories, personal experiences or just anything to help me feel like im making the right decision here? It would be greatly appreciated.

I am not a great one to give advice because I have never been as assertive in my marriage as I should have been but you might want to ask yourself this...
What do you think will be best for your children in the long run? I am a mother of two and even though my children are grown, the most important thing in my life is that they are healthy, successful and can follow their dreams. I don't think this feeling every goes away. My marriage is important to me but knowing what I know now, I would give it up if I thought it would make my children have better lives (since they are in their 20s, I think it is too late for this to make any significant difference in their lives). So I would try to unemotionally assess: Is he a good father? (Is kind and spends quality time with his children) And is he a good provider? (Sounds like he isn't) Since you have only been married 5 years, I recommend leaving sooner rather than later (if you think that is the best decision). The younger you and your kids are, the easier it might be to make the transition.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I am not a great one to give advice because I have never been as assertive in my marriage as I should have been but you might want to ask yourself this...
What do you think will be best for your children in the long run? I am a mother of two and even though my children are grown, the most important thing in my life is that they are healthy, successful and can follow their dreams. I don't think this feeling every goes away. My marriage is important to me but knowing what I know now, I would give it up if I thought it would make my children have better lives (since they are in their 20s, I think it is too late for this to make any significant difference in their lives). So I would try to unemotionally assess: Is he a good father? (Is kind and spends quality time with his children) And is he a good provider? (Sounds like he isn't) Since you have only been married 5 years, I recommend leaving sooner rather than later (if you think that is the best decision). The younger you and your kids are, the easier it might be to make the transition.

Thank you for the advice. My kids are definitely the most important thing in my life. They are still young so like you say this will be an easier transition for them now than say in 5-10 years.
The kids are probably the main reason I am so torn. If they weren't in the equation, i would have left 2 years ago. He loves his sons and they love him to pieces. He would be *heartbroken* if he didn't get to see them every day. I feel like my son's need their father in their life just as much. He spends a lot of time with our oldest son 2 years old. He takes him fishing, bike riding and loves to be with him. He is family orientated in the fact hes always planning outings for us, always wants to involve the children. However, he doesn't help with the responsibilities, nap times, healthy eating, learning, school or doctors appointments etc. Our youngest is 8 months old and needs more attention. He refuses to watch him, gets angry when he cries, but says it is his age hes not good with and will be more involved when he gets a bit older.
He's not a great role model that way, the lack of responsibility, if something doesn't go his way, whether it's at work, home or friends he quits. Even if it affects us. We have been scraping by financially for the past 4 years. 11 months ago I lost my full time income and since then we lost our home, got into debt and suffered terribly.
His anger and frustration over everything is just draining. I hate him constantly complaining, i just want to be happy and positive and he saps me of any of that.

I feel i could give my children more emotionally and financially if i left, I feel i could get more emotional support elsewhere, not feel so confused all the time and ignored. As iv tried to discuss all of this with him and he ignores me and says to stop causing problems.
He just seems like he comes first. What he wants he gets, otherwise he tantrums.

Oh I could go on and on. Thanks for letting me type it out and try working through it.😊

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

He loves his sons and they love him to pieces. He would be *heartbroken* if he didn't get to see them every day. I feel like my son's need their father in their life just as much. He spends a lot of time with our oldest son 2 years old. He takes him fishing, bike riding and loves to be with him. He is family orientated in the fact hes always planning outings for us, always wants to involve the children. However, he doesn't help with the responsibilities, nap times, healthy eating, learning, school or doctors appointments etc. Our youngest is 8 months old and needs more attention. He refuses to watch him, gets angry when he cries, but says it is his age hes not good with and will be more involved when he gets a bit older.

I think this counts as something good about your H except for his anger when your 8 month old cries. I think crying is the way an 8 month old communicates their needs and they should always be responded to.

I guess I am a bit traditional in that I think, if a spouse is working 40 hours a week and the other isn't, then it is OK for the working parent to expect the other to have more responsibility toward taking care of many things regarding the children. However, when he is not working, he should be helping you much more.

Anyways, I know it is hard to express all the feelings we have for our spouses and they go through hard times too. It is all so complicated that I don't envy the fact that you may need to leave him. Please know that this is a place that you can continue to vent about your situation. Sometimes it is embarrassing when our spouses don't treat us well. I am proud of you for confronting him about his behavior!

[eskielover]

Have you done marriage counseling with a GOOD therapist? I say GOOD because we just used my therapist & he was useless & did nothing to even bring out what ended up being the REAL problem in our marriage though he did agree that my husband had stopped his emotional growth as a child. He didn't get down to the real issue of why. Though I know now there was NO way to fix the problem. He was good with our daughter so I had stuck around & just distanced myself from the marriage in my computer engineering career. Definitely NOT a good solution either but it is important for them to have a father in their lives.

Gut feel is that by leaving you are making a statement that you don't TRUST the change he has made as being permanent. Sometimes we need to make the statement to sink it into their mind. Through this separation & if therapy & time proves that he REALLY has changed, you can always get back together if it does prove safe.

My feeling is that always better safe than sorry....time proves the truth & with supervised visitation to start with your H will still have contact with your child.

Yes, it makes life more difficult but in the long run it might actually make it better if your H really is able to take to heart the statement you are making in leaving

[MickeyCheeky]

It really is a complicated situation.. I don't have any advice, but please come here anytime you need support. Have you already tried therapy counseling? I think a third opinion could be helpful. Whatever decision you make, we're here

[Zedsdead]

Thank you for all the advice and encouragement. It means a lot! It's such a tough decision to make given the fact we have children and im not in the most sturdy of places financially.

My partner has major ups and downs. There is either one of 2 explanations and im not sure i favour either of them. But... 1# He is bipolar. I know im in no spot to diagnose but he fits almost every single symptom. He has major ups, spending sprees, drugs and alcohol, high drive and very busy, works well and keeps his job. Then he plummets into depression, suicidal, sleeps all the time, easy to anger, tells me when someone angers him, that he could shoot them etc.. wishes death on people, is horrid to me.
Or #2 he is a narcissist. The changes in personality are simply manipulation techniques and fake.

That is the conclusion I have come to at this point.

I am going to bring up therapy again, the last time I mentioned it, he said therapy was for crazy people. (I'm in individual therapy). Iv mentioned going to the doctors to discuss his symptoms, but he denies lots of his actions and I don't trust that he would actually tell them half of what is going on.

Hes going away to work as mentioned above, it sounds so selfish but he has left me in so much debt, im going to try and pay some of it off while hes actually getting a wage so he doesn't leave me with so much. All the bills he refused to help pay for are in my name because his credit is so terrible...
Im just in such a horrible situation, i dont know how it ended up here.

[eskielover]

Im just in such a horrible situation, i dont know how it ended up here.

Like me staying too long & not paying attention to the red flags.

He doesn't sound like the kind of person willing to find out what is really wrong with himself. Good idea to use his money as much as you can to pay off debt then don't give him access to getting into any more debt NO MATTER WHAT.

He sounds very unstable & not the kind of person who could ever care for you if you needed it. That was the final realization that drove me to leaving after 33 years of marriage....when I got sick with depression & needed him to be responsible he FAILED miserably.

[healingme4me]

I remember laying in the hospital after my second son and there was a spinal anesthetic that was too much and I couldn't move my lower extremities and looking at my husband next to me who tormented me for 9 months and thinking I cannot trust him to be there for me, he cannot be my caregiver. Was a sad time for me.

He wasn't much for moving off the couch, still isn't, despite logging in more than 40 hours weekly and maintaining employment. Even with sons.

It's going on 7 years since the divorce. My oldest of three sons will turn 14 soon. My youngest is 10, middle is 11. I couldn't ask for better sons. They all receive excellent feedback from the schools. I receive feedback as well, not that I'm not my own worst critic.

I'm a survivor of spousal abuse. I have been in remission from MS for 5 years and 10 years remission prior to that flare. I took three years after my divorce and spent it focusing on my own passions, interests, self help work, therapy included before entertaining another relationship.

It's natural to feel conflicted about a major life changing decision.

What can you do if he's an unwilling participant in the growth of such a serious committed relationship.

My oldest had an interview for a school yesterday. His biggest challenge question, as told to me by the admission counselor was his father leaving us. I'm not certain what spin that he took with that, but that's how it felt despite my filing the paperwork. Was though his father checked out.

I've seen separations work themselves out, but it takes two willing participants.

[Zedsdead]

Thank you for the advice and stories given. Im sorry you ladies had to endure the pain of deciding to leave but happy that you got out of it.
I know i need to leave. I guess him leaving to work will be a good time for me to put boundaries in place and ask him not to come back.
I just am not in love with him anymore.. so my only conflict is the kids and how it will affect them. I'm so scared they will struggle because of it

Last night I asked him to talk, he laughed it off and told me to stop acting like Dr Phil. I left it for a while and brought it up again when we were in bed. He switched the topic to what movie we should watch every time I started to talk, he interrupted with something unrelated.
Im so tired of feeling like I have no voice.. like im a ghost and nobody can hear me.
At least I know i did all I could do to try and salvage something with him. Hopefully my children understand one day