[vikingr48]

I am married and soon to be divorced, if we decide to go ahead with it. Communication between an Asian and an American is difficult but I thought being a man who has studied so many languages I could overcome it. And almost did. She speaks better English now too. But Mandarin by itself is not as subtle a language as English.

Customs also are a real problem. Boiling down to one problem now: calling when you can’t come home or stay late. We Americans as couples try to stay in touch, if we love each other. She thinks nothing of working late and staying at a friend’s house or even at the store (a massage parlor) and not even call. It worries me sick. The place is seedy and rough. One woman there has already been mugged.

Any ideas? I have already consulted a divorce lawyer who speaks Mandarin and she says don’t worry about it. But there are other issues too.

[Skeezyks]

Hello vikingr48: Thanks for sharing your situation. I don't know as I have much of anything to offer in the way of ideas. But I saw no one had replied to your post. So I thought I would. I presume you've thought of marriage counseling. I'm not sure how the two of you manage to "bridge the gap", so to speak, unless you both figure out ways to communicate effectively with one another & find ways to compromise. My wife & I have been married for 38 years. And I'll tell you it takes a whole lot of compromise & forgiveness to keep a relationship going that long. I wish you both well...

[vikingr48]

The problem with finding a counselor is she is Asian (Chinese) and understands well but does not speak English too well. The nuance of call it "psychological" language is lost between the two languages. Mandarin is actually is a very primitive language and though it has many "words" they are really a composition of "radicals" that form words. It is the most difficult language to learn for an English speaker, but English is the hardest language to learn overall.

And there is what she perceives as a different culture when actually there is little difference.

I have found one interpreter who is willing to try. He has helped others before. He is trained in social work. I hope he can reach her.

She never calls when she is staying elsewhere.(It's a long trip home after working late.) Worries me sick. The relationships in every culture have the habit of letting the other partner know where they are when separated.

I am just hoping for the best, and that the drugs do their job. Thanks for your response. It was kind of you.

[eskielover]

Some people have just never been tsught that calling to let someone know where they are when expected home is just THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Thats not a culture thing thats a family curtesy thing. Not sure its just a language communication problem. Not easy to change habbits of someone not brought up to do something. Takes a lot of time & patience to change behaviors evenvwhen we speak the same language.

Is that really a marriage deal breaker?

[metalchick]

I have been dealing with this for many many years....he never calls to say that he will be home late...he sees no problem with this...we all know it is wrong...and there is no language barrier between us....and if I should call or text to make sure everything is ok (way back we used to make plans and he would not show up) he would respond mean and nasty and basically tell me it is none of my business...and that is there was an actual problem he is sure that I would be notified....I am hoping in your case that this is just a cultural difference and things will change for you for the better.

[vikingr48]

Well the story really goes deeper. There have been so many incidents of abuse from her. She was a cute, happy woman who was elated to come to the US. We waited a long time for a visa.
I first encountered her anger with her daughter at the airport. (I was going to adopt her but she went back to China. The US was too much for her.) They had a real shouting match. My wife tried to calm her daughter down but she said something to her that sounded quite mean and her daughter got up and disappeared. I had to call the cops.
Her favorite nag on me is to tell me ad nausaum that I buy too much food. There were many famines in China and her family learned to live daya by day, something Americans don't do. Actually compared to the average household I have seen and visited, we do not have any more or less.
Such things as Christmas and Thanksgiving mean nothing to her. Cranberries were always a favorite in our family so I buy a few bags and frieze to enjoy after cranberry season is over. You would have thought I shot Bambi. And we go to dinner and the first thing she says (Not Hi or How are you?) but she tells me I need a haircut. She makes an appointment the same as me and never walk in. Appointments are hard to come by with my schedule. Now she tells me you just walk in and get a haircut. The inconsistency has me stressed to the limit.
I have PTSD and go to regular therapy for it, but I am so much improved that I help out at the Vet Center.
So I have to watch my stress. Already my hands are shaky and I am having heart palpitations. Everyone tells me to leave her but I really do love her and would hate to hurt her with a divorce. She would have to go back to China since she cannot support herself even if she had plenty of money.
My thoughts have not been well lately. I know the signs of suicide. So many of us vets (22 a day, and 65% of them are well educated and over 50. That is me.) No way out. No resolution. A slow spin begins and I know it will lead to a panic attack or another flashback. She has no idea what PTSD is. Her friend saw I was depressed and asked her if I was OK. She said, No, he'll be fine.
And now tonight she has done it again. Left me alone. No call. Payback for the spat about cranberries.
I have not slept in 3 days, a common enough problem with PTSD anyway but when you are seemingly back at war, it just makes life impossible. If I was younger, I would go back to war. Anyone who has had or has PTSD knows what I am talking about.

[gothicpear]

Your story breaks my heart. I don't know whether she is this way due to a cultural difference, or if she is just this way and would be this way if she was from the USA. It sounds like you feel responsible for her, yet at the same time, the relationship is not healthy at all. You are visibly suffering.

I guess a good question for yourself would be: If I divorced her, could I really let go? As it is, you worry about her being out all night, you worry about her not being able to support herself even if she had enough money, and you seem to feel very responsible for her. Could you let go if she was out of sight and moved away?

I wonder if there is a support group for you, even if it's online. Sometimes, if you read what others go through, especially if it resonates with what you have gone through, you are better able to empathize with yourself. I feel like you have trouble validating and empathizing with what YOU are going through, and have been through.

You have done so much for her, and yet it clearly isn't going well. You are to the point of physically suffering and damaging yourself. Please talk to a lawyer about how you could settle things in a way that would keep you safe and healthy. I think you matter. I want you to think that you matter, too. Keep us posted. We care about you here!

[joypieter]

Oh.! But, I think you just speak with she's and tell how your pain is. You no need to divorce her without proper judgement. If she can's accept your words or making anything stupid, then you have to go with some of the divorce lawyers in your locality.

[Mike_J]

Is she willing to try marriage counseling? Maybe there is a middle ground that you would both be willing to accept, you can't expect her to just suddenly shift to our cultural norms, nor should she expect you to just accept her cultural norms.

If you are set on divorce, bridging the language gap is really her issue not yours. It's admirable that you are worried about it so much, but divorce often is about self protection, I know that sounds a bit harsh, but you can't be the "nice guy" in a divorce or you run the real risk of being taken advantage of. You can always go above and beyond the divorce decree, if you want to be nice, but having it be your choice is always better than having a divorce order that you regret signing.