[lost_in_the_sauce]

Okay, I have never been the type to put my business out there, so this is difficult for me, but I need advice from people who comes from all walks of life, to put things in perspective incase we divorce.

Back story - a long one but a good one

I met my now hubs 5 years ago at work. He was my boss and it stayed professional for the first couple years working together. I always found him so hilarious, but meh on the looker level, he was not ugly but he wasn't my 'dream man' either. however, looks were never a big determining factor for me so we started dating. When we started dating I noticed that a friend of mine talked about him A LOT!!! like she would ask me what i thought of him and if i would ever sleep with him, well come to find out she was dating him too. I never disclosed my status with him to her, but i did confront him about it. I understand we didnt say we were only to see each other, but i expressed that I was not okay with him hooking up with me if he was with any one else. He chose me, he told her to kick rocks and we were fine. great actually, until the female friend of mine had a hunch that we were talking and starting digging around. We were dating for 7 months exclusively at this point, but he was my boss and work relationships were not tolerated, so he broke it off. I was devastated, but it made sense. This break up lasted a few months. we went out for a weekend and ended up getting back together. This time was different. The female friend was no longer working with us and we were happy and our relationship was good.

Then the time came that he was being sent to another office in a different state. He asked would I come along and I agreed. He traveled to the new state 3 months before me and I visited once during that time. My visit there was odd and i could tell that something was not right. Come to find out a female had been coming on to him and he was enjoying the attention. So when i got back home from the little visit he broke it off again!!! this time i was done. i was so over the drama and back and fourth with him that i didnt want to ever see his face or hear his name.

BUT during my visit there I found a great job and a new place that i put a deposit on. I considered not moving, but i was so excited for a new city and i didnt want him to ruin that for me. So i moved there anyways. I started my job and I began dating other people. I was trying new things. i dated men and women and found a woman that i was really into. This was new for me and scary. Being Gay in my family brings shame and I was scared, but she had not come out either yet, so for us it was nice. we were trying new things together. But he came back into my life and things were wonderful, so her and i broke things off and he and i were back on.

Things were moving fast and he explained all this love he had for me and how sorry he was before. he told me that he wanted to be with me and only me and treat me right and I went back, but not only did I go back, we got married. Everything was great at first, we were so happy and communication was good.

BUT then after seven months of being married he told me he had an affair the SAME WEEK we married. I was crushed, of course. I was hurt, naturally. The other woman was someone he came in contact with daily, and the worse part is be befriended me and we had plans to have coffee.

I was so mad, but because of the children i didnt want to do anything based on emotion. It has been nearly a year since he told me about the affair and we are in couples therapy. Which therapy helps, but sometimes when triggers came up in therapy our marriage would suffer.

I am bothered by everything he does and i find myself never wanting to be around him. I have no desire for him and sex feels more like a chore than an intimate connection we once shared. I have been one foot out the door since he told me and i dont know what to do. Is it worth another shot?

I feel like no matter what this is a lose lose. I had what I wanted, which was him, and we have all our 4 kids together, it would crush them to tear them apart, but what about me? Do I really need to be unhappy forever?

Since he told me about the affair he has been nothing but transparent and honest, that i know of. He seems full of remorse and reminds me daily that he would do anything to make it right. I am just so angry that I cant let that anger go and it is only destroying us.

[SeaweedKelp]

You know it's funny because I kind of share the same question as you do. Which is, is it enough to leave a marriage because you are unhappy?

I really don't have an answer for you but as others in here have stated, children will probably pick up on your unhappiness sooner or later. It should be resolved or it could hurt them

[Skeezyks]

I don't think there's an easy answer here one way or another. It's going to take time & some deep introspection to figure out how you want to handle this. Sadly, I'm afraid the cold, hard reality here may be that someone is going to end up hurt in this situation. The question may be, who is it going to be, & how can the pain be minimized.

I know you wrote the two of you are participating in couples counseling. And that's certainly a good thing. But perhaps you should consider seeing a therapist for individual counseling / therapy yourself... someone with whom you can, over a period of time, delve into & come to terms with these difficult issues. Realistically, at least from my perspective, this is simply too complex a situation for much of any useful insight to come from us here on PC. I wish you well...

[healingme4me]

I agree about exploring the anger and disappointment that you have with your own therapist, if you don't already have one. The resentment is understandable. Whilst in the throws of your own anguish, if any suggestion I have is that he's probably not going to be receptive or may internalize unproductively until he's already worked through these behaviors in individual therapy.

As much of a cliche it is, time does mend all wounds. It's a tough position to be in moreso because of kids. I don't have advice about staying or leaving. Keep working on yourself and finding your own inner peace is my advice, you need that no matter what you decide.

[eyesclosed]

I think all marriages like life have happy and unhappy times. I also will say hollywood makes up a lot of what happy is the influence they have is unreal.

[profound_betrayal]

Originally Posted by eyesclosed

I think all marriages like life have happy and unhappy times. I also will say hollywood makes up a lot of what happy is the influence they have is unreal.

So true eyesclosed. And the other issue is that we all enter into relationships prematurely - with our own baggage, voids ...whatever.

I think we need counselling BEFORE the road to serious relationships! Getting to know each other, how ppl. 'work' behaviourally & emotionally. Our education teaches us so much 'academically' but at the end of the day, we don't know each other on the level that is sustaining. We cannot identify those choices that communicate 'nope', 'yup', 'definitely NOT' (!), 'possibly' or 'neutral - can go either way!

Schools need more psychology! Hollywood is just that - illusion.

[Erebos]

Having been raised in a 'stay together for the sake of the kids ' family I can categorically say it was an utter disaster.
My father was bitter and snide, my mother mentally broken and me and my brother grew up with very disturbed versions of whAt relationships look like.
He ended up a registered sex offender.
I have been a drug addict for 24 of my 38 years.

There was no abuse to us as children, but the hatred that permitted our daily lives we what we considered the norm.
Neither of us new what a real relationship looked like, what normal non sexualized contact was.
No one hugged, sat together watching movies.
My father worked hard and came across as the stand up guy with the crazy, emotional wreck if a wife.
No one knew how disgusting he was behind closed doors, his bitterness was poison.
My mother was convinced, brainwashed that he was right, that she was a useless mother.

I am not saying this is anything like your home, but hate permeates everything. From your to be of voice to your body language.
My brother learnt women were to be used and were not entitled to refuse.
I learnt men were hateful aggressive and would control you if you have them the chance.

These lessons have left a bitter trail of destruction throughout our lives.

Ask yourself what your children will gain if and lose if you stay.

I will add we were very financially stable,and oddly we were quite encouraged as we grew up and made our life choices but that didn't save us in the end.

I have no doubt many will disagree with me, and they are obviously entitled too.
I offer no advice or words of wisdom. Only a perspective to consider from someone who lived through it.

All the best in whatever you decide.

[InMyEyes]

Originally Posted by Erebos

Having been raised in a 'stay together for the sake of the kids ' family I can categorically say it was an utter disaster.
My father was bitter and snide, my mother mentally broken and me and my brother grew up with very disturbed versions of what relationships look like.
He ended up a registered sex offender.
I have been a drug addict for 24 of my 38 years.

There was no abuse to us as children, but the hatred that permitted our daily lives we what we considered the norm.
Neither of us new what a real relationship looked like, what normal non sexualized contact was.
No one hugged, sat together watching movies.
My father worked hard and came across as the stand up guy with the crazy, emotional wreck if a wife.
No one knew how disgusting he was behind closed doors, his bitterness was poison.
My mother was convinced, brainwashed that he was right, that she was a useless mother.

I am not saying this is anything like your home, but hate permeates everything. From your to be of voice to your body language.
My brother learnt women were to be used and were not entitled to refuse.
I learnt men were hateful aggressive and would control you if you have them the chance.

These lessons have left a bitter trail of destruction throughout our lives.

Ask yourself what your children will gain if and lose if you stay.

I will add we were very financially stable,and oddly we were quite encouraged as we grew up and made our life choices but that didn't save us in the end.

I have no doubt many will disagree with me, and they are obviously entitled too.
I offer no advice or words of wisdom. Only a perspective to consider from someone who lived through it.

All the best in whatever you decide.

I can relate to this. My parents stayed together and their dysfunction passed down to them was passed on to my brother and I.

About brother:
He will never marry nor reproduce. Instead of that, he is a valuable, dedicated employee, a home owner, he never misses work nor a bill. He does have anxiety and other related issues. Wont step foot in hospitals. Is gerrmaphobic. Therapy or medicine to help him cope looks to him as an "easy way out for the weak" yet he gets drunk every night. He did time for 5 dui's and hiring prostitutes (get drunk enough he forgot about the germs I suppose). While our parents meant well, i think my Brothers biggest problem is because of the fact he was forced to be right handed and he was most definitely born to be left handed .

As for me, I just wanted a Dad that would play once in a while besides always making us do work. Instead of that I was my neurotic mom's counselor and my brothers "whipping post." As a result, I always seem to favor being medicated (prescription optional). In relationships, i put up with way too much but stand firm thinking theyll "straighten out" only to find they are trying their best to ruin me while i support them. Two ex wives and a kid with each. They were once enemies but now bff's in their plite to take my life down the tubes. Unfortunately, the system enabling them.

As a young boy, I wished them to go their separate ways. The were generally good people though, but together, toxic.

While others have endured way more,
I would not want to repeat my childhood.
Now 45, I still believe everyone would have be fitted from them "calling it quits." They were too stubborn and proud to reveal to the world they made a mistake.