[Aar1975]

Hey everyone,

I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

I'm currently going through a separation involving the end of a 20 year, common law relationship.

I've been with my spouse for 20 years and we've lived together for 17. We have a beautiful 9 year old son who we both adore. I've been a stay at home dad for 8 of those years. Being a father to our son has been the best thing I've ever done and I'm sure the best thing I'll ever do.

The relationship between my spouse and I, on the other hand, has had its ups and downs and we've gone through periods where we're more roommates than husband and wife. There's bickering and stubbornness on both our parts. I've long thought about us going our separate ways, but stayed for a myriad of reasons, the most important being our son. In our more heated exchanges, she's wondered aloud if we'd both be happier apart.

I started an emotional affair last November and realized what it's like to be with someone I really want to be with. I won't bore you with the gory details, but after confessing in January, I went into a tailspin and found myself questioning everything. We attempted to reconcile (she's a wonderful person who was willing to forgive me, though I don't think we could have survived it) but, with some therapy, started viewing the affair as a symptom of the rot in our relationship and started looking at this as the nudge I needed to get out from under it. It took two anguishing months, a prescription of Lexapro and clonazepam and a trip to the psych ward before I was finally able to make a decision. My wife was and is devastated and I can't begin to tell you how guilty I feel about the way it unfolded. Also, the guilt that I'm "destroying a family" and "ruining lives" (her words) is all consuming at times.

When I first made my decision, I was relieved. I figured out how I would be able to move on financially (for a while) and found a nice apartment close to our (for now) family home. Our son, in the early stages, is taking it surprisingly well, though I know that most likely will change. We've agreed to co-parent to the best of our abilities. The past couple weeks, however, what were occasional pangs of guilt and fear, have turned into something all consuming. I am absolutely terrified. I am having doubts and second thoughts. I'm petrified I've made a horrible mistake, though deep down, I know this really is the best decision from the standpoint of our relationship. I fear this will get worse after I move out in less than two weeks. I fear this will engulf me. I fear I will wind up in the hospital, unable to care for my son, who means everything to me. I fear. I am terrified. I have very little support. My family's lack of sympathy (a simple inquiry into how I'm feeling would do wonders) is shocking and sad. I feel everyone who knows about this thinks I'm insane, though they don't really see the issues.

If I could, I'd like to respectfully decline any judgment. I get enough of that on a daily basis - from my wife and myself. I thought I'd post here in the hopes that maybe there are people out there who've been in a similar situation such as mine. I'm going to say I have more in common with stay at home moms. Maybe you had these same feelings. Maybe they go away after ramping up during the transition. From what my therapist has told me and from what I've read, this is normal, but it's really hard to believe that when the level of anguish is so deep. It's amplified by the fact I asked for this. Leaving this home, which I've taken care of and watched my son grow up in, is very, very difficult. It's my comfort and my stability. I feel like I've become unmoored, floating out to sea, heading towards the abyss and untold suffering.

It is telling though, how very little of my anguish has to do with missing my soon to be ex. I no doubt will. We've shared 20 years together, but that seems to be the easiest part of this, which confirms my decision.

Any comments or personal experiences or private messages would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

[Skeezyks]

Hello Aar: I'm sorry you are confronting this most difficult situation. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support.

I see this is your first posts here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

P.S. The other forum you might consider posting in is the men's support forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/men-focused-support/

I wish you well...

Hello Aar1975, I see this is your first post so welcome to PC! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit. Once your first 5 posts are approved, you will be allowed to enter the chat room where you can talk to fellow members. There is almost always someone friendly to talk to.

[continuosly blue]

As mentioned, welcome to PC ! I have to say , one sentence out of all you wrote struck me the most. " You realized what is was like to be with someone you really want to be with ".
That sentence is most revealing in that it seems like you spent 20 years with someone you really weren't in love with , or so it would seem. You have a son that I'm sure will come out of this ok , in time. Now since I'm old school I believe if you weren't " married " things will not be as messy. Guess you can just walk away. But 20 years has to mean something. You mention some meds and a stint in a psych ward. Sounds like you have issues that may have nothing to do with your relationship. What are they ? Is this new person all that great to wreck what you had ? Sounds like you won't even miss your ex.
I think there's a heck of a lot more to this story than you shared. Was it for the sake of brevity? What's really going on here ? Forgive me if I don't seem to be sympathetic towards your plight. It's not that I'm not. It's just that I know what it feels like to be discarded. Which is what it seems like your doing to your " significant other ". Why do you think you have so much guilt ? Deep down you must feel your making a big mistake. And I'm not judging. Just want to know the facts.
Best of luck in whatever path you decide to take.

[sadandconfused]

Hi Aar1975, I am going through a similar situation with my husband of 30 years who also had an emotional affair with a married woman which began about 6 months ago from what I can tell. I could see the signs since the woman was bold enough to randomly post enough signs on social media that over time I knew something was not right but he was not man enough to admit it when I questioned him the first time; I knew he was lying by the way he responded. I asked him again a week later, then he was man finally man enough to admit that yes, they had been seeing each other and it got to the point that they considered leaving their spouses to be with each other but they decided it wouldn't be right because they are both Catholic. (Um, I am not buying that but I am not going into religion here). He wants to work things out with me.

Anyway, I commend you for being honest with your partner about what happened...that took a lot of courage and I know it was not easy for either of you. I am not sure that I can trust my husband again because he was not honest with me when I questioned him about it, and I gave him a week to come forward to admit he had lied but he didn't. I think this is almost worse than the emotional affair and the fact that he still thinks he can be friends with her, I think we can work through that part...maybe. It's complicated as most relationships are.

Now, here is something to ask yourself. Every long term relationship has it's ups and downs and when we are with the same person 24/7, we see the good, bad and the ugly. When you meet someone new, you are seeing only the very best side of what they have to offer so it seems very appealing at first but do you think if you were with this person 24/7 for a year or more, would you feel the same about her? How about 5 years from now? Maybe it doesn't matter, maybe your current relationship is so bad that you need to end it anyway for the sake of you and your partner, so both of you can be happier. I don't know the answer and neither do the other people in your lives so they have no right to judge. Change is never easy. They say we will get through this pain somehow, I try to believe that is true.

[continuosly blue]

One thing I would like to add is that just the fact anybody has been with the same person for 20 yrs or more is simply amazing. Considering the divorce rate is still about 50% after 3-5 years. If that long. We make a vow , usually at a very young age to be with the same person for life !!! What a task ahead !!!
Let's face reality. During the course of a lifetime men and women will have
many chances to stray. We are human beings for Gods sake ! Mistakes will be made , for WHATEVER reason. It's not always about lust. People get tired of each other after awhile. Once the honeymoon wears off.
If there is TRUE LOVE the relationship will survive. Yes trust will take a big hit.
A broken heart can be repaired, ( although never as good as new).
This is LIFE ! No wonder why the kids today just live with each other for years
before MAYBE thinking about getting married. The problem too is that we think we OWN our partner like a car or something. I don't own anyone.
If they choose to give their love to me freely than so much the better. Because most marriages today are LIES. Like was said before , initially someone may appear very attractive to you . But just wait awhile. Go through the trials and tribulations of time . That same person can look , or wind up , being very unattractive.

[eskielover]

It took me a lot to finally leave my marriage after 33 years of tolerating it being bad from the beginning. I believed it was a commitment until at the end it just too bad....but I had never lived on my own even though I was a very independent & had my degree & a career but the career ended 13 years before I finally left. It was those last 13 years of stay at home that decided me that I didn't want to live like that with all the fighting. I was definitely not a person who backs down from a fight when I felt wronged or taken advantage of. After my mom died, I sold her home & used the money to buy a farm 2100 miles away. The month before my farm closed left me wondering how I could do it & I actually left it open to it not necessarily being the end of the marriage. After I closed the real estate deal & was working on fixing up my farm I never thought about him. It felt so wonderful to be away from that environment, that basically made up my mind that it was over. Our daughter was older by that time & she had moved away years before that so that tie no longer existed (I understand the difficulty that adds to the situation. I had put myself into that new house we had lived in. I did ALL the decorating & custom everything. I actually walked away from everything I had owned for 33 years & some things I had before my marriage & all the things from my mom's house. That was harder than leaving him....but when you get involved in your new place & making it yours & your son's that will make the difference. By the time I left he was driving me to the level of anger where I just saw red any time I was around him. Living in my own wing of that house for the last 13 years of that marriage was enough. My new home was just a feeling of peace for the first time ever in my life...it was WONDERFUL. You may find a similar sense once you are free from that environment & making a life new with your son.

Lol, yes, my inlaws commented about how difficult I was to live around & how their son had to be a saint....interesting because they had no idea the crap I was tolerating. I wasn't out there waving a flag that said check out how horrible your son is to deal with....maybe I should have. They didn't know all the times my pdoc wouldn't release me from the psych hospital if I was going back to my own home....yes, that was not because their son was a saint. All said & done....10 years later....it was the best move I ever made in my life.

Though you never know until you actually do it.