[sunrise]

Any tips? How did you do it? Did you have any guiding principles, such as 50/50? Or split somehow based on the % of each person's income? Is it somehow linked to how much time the kids spend with each parent? Or what?

For those of you who received or gave spousal maintenance (alimony) as part of your settlement, how did you like that? In retrospect, do you wish you had done it differently?

We are entering this phase of our divorce and I would like to hear your ideas on how to divide things up. Since we are doing collaborative divorce, many solutions are possible. I just need to know some options, since I've never done this before (and hope to never do it again!).

[Perna]

For my husband, it was who "needed" what. His ex-wife was a stay-at-home mom. He asked me could he see what my budget was like (I'd been supporting myself for 13 years, was single, etc.) so he'd have a clue what he needed to live on; he'd never lived alone and his ex- had done the bills so he didn't know anything about what expenses would be. He took "enough" and she got the rest.

The alimony he paid his ex- gradually decreased over 15 years and was non-punitive so she could get a job/go to school, whatever she needed and it wouldn't decrease as a result (since she had never worked so needed help/incentives for that). My husband was 42-43 and not at the peak of his earning ability so figured he'd get raises/more income as time went on so he wasn't worried about having to continue to live on only "enough"; the alimony/child support only went down as time went by and she became more self-sufficient. The only "penalty" to the settlement income would be if she remarried.

He kept the "stock"/investment assets and she got the house, bank accounts, the "physical" assets; his name was taken off the credit cards which she kept and he opened new ones in just his name. She kept paying on a life insurance policy on him.

I guess.. many would not want to hear this.. but I offerred my ex everthing to get out of the marriage.. so he took everything.. I got "credit card bills", a bill for a brand new car for him..no child support, no furniture...and years of re-building...

I did "get the ultimate"... my son... sole custody - priceless..

[sunrise]

I'm glad that worked out for you, freewill.

I guess a cardinal rule of what we have been practicing is that you keep the custody discussion separate from the financial settlement discussion so that kids don't become pawns in the money talk. Like, "if I don't get 50% custody, you can't get the house," etc. We have learned the children are not to be used as bargaining chips and so far have stuck to that. I hope that continues....

Thanks for the ideas, Perna. I'm curious--how long was the marriage? 15 years of alimony seems like a lot. But maybe it is not? It's good to be reminded about the importance of maintaining a life insurance policy on the ex-spouse--I'd forgotten about that.

[Direction]

Good to hear you are keeping custody and financial discussions separate...basically we split it up pretty much what ever she realistically wanted...and I took what was left over...we each had a few sentimental items...

Even though I had intended to pay half of all bills associated with the house, she choose not to take it...too much upkeep, etc for her...so I ended up with the house that could not be sold...took on a roommate so the kids would have their familiar rooms...we are now just starting to see the light...the kids made the final decisions to sell or keep it...they said they wanted to bring their children back home to it...so it was a good decision...they knew the sacrafice...roommate...not a lot of extras...etc...

Anyway...I may have gotten off track...

Well I think it's best since you have kids to make the division realistic...whatever that may mean to the two of you...my ex has in her possession the chest of drawers that matches my set...she has it until the kids turn 18 (sentimental value versus being realistic)...the dresser set was my dad's when he was a kid and mine when I was a kid...but the boys needed a dresser...

It's tough...but when all is said and done...(after the sentimental items)...it really is just stuff

Of course there are many more considerations...just some thoughts to consider...

For me... my marriage was highly abusive ... and I wanted out... I wanted my freedom at any and all cost... and that was the financial part of it...

"you let me go free, I give you anything you want"... during the 2 1/2 years of "divorce" time... doors were broken down, stalking was done...

So my son did not really inter into the "chip" areana. Visitation was decided on...right away.. holidays were dealt with. No child support was decided.

Sole custody came at the very end.. when my husband.. went unexpectedly for joint custody... My ex-husband did not believe in "medical" intervention... and I had been the "recipent" of those beliefs during our marriage..

At that point,, when that came up... "I simply told him, I will bring you down to your knees and destroy you financially....you will not get joint custody ever".. a first for me... never dreamed of talking to someone like that before.

Years later, when my son faced surgeries,, I knew I had done the correct thing. Also when my son started kindergarden, my ex-husband's live in girlfriend developed Pneumonia... he told her she wasn't sick, refused to let her see a doctor.. until she was rushed in an ambulance to the hospital- at which pointed she passed.. in her 30's...

So yes in some ways my son was a "pawn".. but in a very protective Mom kinda way..

Every divorce is different..

[sunrise]

I had success today! We did our first financial piece with the lawyers and came to agreement. We each agreed to take a piece of the assets now so we can begin using them as we wish before the divorce becomes final (may be a while yet). There are still other assets left, but we'll work on dividing these in the future. There is also an agreement on when we will physically separate (by a specific date). Finally, something good happening with this process.

[Zelev]

For property 50/50 split. I'm in CA so if its a long term marriage 10 yrs plus.. doesn't matter how much money you made. Only thing may matter is if he owned property before you married. MONEY sanctions are cheaper than going back to court. Write them in your settlement in case either party does not honor the settlement.

No spouse will EVER enjoy paying alimony or child support so there is nothing you can do that will change that. You must only think of what you need to survive and also to not give anything away because you feel guilty or charitable. You will be pressured to be reasonable so if you start low you have nowhere to go but down. Child support is based on time share and income. So if your ex will take care of the children more his support payments will be less. In CA the courts use a program called the dissomaster to calculate support. Find out if they have something similar in your state. Try this website for an estimate: http://www.alllaw.com/calculators/childsupport/

[EJ711]

Sunrise,

What a GREAT and wise decision!

EJ