Separation and continuing to share a home

Anyone done this? Our children are so close to leaving for college. Looking for btdt advice.

Sorry, I am not sure what bdtd means, but my sister did this. They lived in separate spaces for several months before my sister was able to move out. It worked well for them.

Thanks! Btdt=Been there done that

Were there any particular agreements that they made that helped things go smoothly?

I did it for 13 years because it wasn't financially feasible to get a divorce at the time because the house was upside down with the 2nd we had taken out to build the patio.

Nothing made it work & honestly I felt trapped & I didn't know until I was leaving that he never wanted a divorce because he thought it would make him look like a failure

Living in that environment drove me to many suicide attempts thinking it was my only way out. I was finally able to walk out (or run away) finally after my mom died & I sold her house, took my inheritance & left.....2100 miles still hasn't left me free from him financially though because my name was still on the house loan.

We had a 2500 sq ft home & I basically had my side of the house & he had his but there was still interfacing & it wasn't good.....it got to physical abuse by the end & both of us had ENOUGH.

I would suggest not making it a long period of time like the 13 years it ended up being in my case.

Hello WFS,

I am currently in that situation, unfortunately. It has been about 8 months since we told the kids (high school and college aged) and our families and friends.

I remain here for financial reasons only, while our attorneys begin to work on a settlement. I cannot afford a rental and living expenses for the kids on my own salary, and my husband will not assist.

My husband and I barely speak to one another, but are cordial enough. Nevertheless, the house is a very tense and toxic place. It would be so much better for my children if we were not living together.

Have you considered birdnesting, if you are dealing with a finite time, and do not want to uproot the kids until college? It would require the two of you take turns in the house, while allowing the kids to stay there all the time. I suggested this arrangement for us, but my husband refused.

If you must live together for a time, you must have a separate space where you feel protected and alone. With a door! And try to plan day trips on the weekends. Being together in the house on the weekend is the worst!

They didn't communicate much and lived their lives as separately as possible. They agreed to allow each other the freedom to do that, and it seemed to work well. Best of luck to you, and let us know how it goes!

Thanks for your reply. I am so sorry it is tense and toxic for you. I hope the attorneys are able to iron things out soon so that you can get to a more peaceful place.

I considered bird-nesting, but it would be logistically challenging for a number of reasons. Partly because my husband also thinks it is a bad idea. This separation is not mutually desired, and he wants to pretend everything is fine, just separate bedrooms.

I do have my own space on a separate floor with a door that locks. You're right, it is crucial!

Only if you don't mind sharing, what did you say to your kids? Mine do not really know much, except that we get along better now in some ways.

Wow, I went through the exact same situation ! Unless you can be civil to each other it will be a very tense and toxic environment!
I also couldn’t leave because of the financial situation. And there were no kids involved ! Let me just say this , if it ever happened again I would live in my car.
The possible ramifications of that situation going sideways could be unbelievably bad !
Whatever you do , use the “ rational “ side of your brain a lot more than your “emotional” side. Just my 2 cents. BTDT.

I did this for a year and a half ... also for financial reasons. I moved to the guest room, he kept the master. Tense was an understatement for me ...it got so bad that I thought about living in a tent until I could figure something out. In the end, a friend let me move into her basement, and I could actually BREATHE again. Every situation is different, my child was much younger, and none of my family was any closer than 1500 miles, so my options were limited.

I hope you can find the most comfortable path possible for you soon!

Have your attorney file for exclusive use of the marital home. Then he can find some place to live.

Thanks, Molinit. One of the reasons we're willing to try this is that we'd both rather be putting money into college funds rather than doubled living expenses. And the kids have equal access to both of us, instead of going back and forth between homes. It seems to be working all right so far, since we're working pretty hard to be civil to one another.