Heading for a divorce?

Lately, my husband is going through bouts (at least once a week) where he says he is going to divorce me.

Background: We have been married a very long time. There was one really bad fight before the marriage (we went out for 6 months before marrying) and after that it seems like there is a really BIG blowout every 2 or 3 years. He does not get physical but these fights really shake me up.

Today, after he expressed his dissatisfaction with me. He asked me to sit down so he could say one more thing--"You are a self centered backstabber!" When I did not respond he said, "After ** years of marriage, do you have nothing to say?" I did not dare say a thing. When he is upset, he lectures for hours. I just can't handle this anymore.

He is not always easy to live with and divorce will be terrible. Though there has been a fight or two, years and years ago, when I mentioned I wanted a divorce, only recently did I consider it. Because I know I cannot handle him, I tried to initiate once, without his knowledge (earlier this year). My family sent some money. I got a separated phone, bank account, email, and was getting in touch with a lawyer but did not finalize anything.

He is very smart and has cameras all around our house. When I was taking calls outdoors talking to my family, he sensed something was up. Suddenly, he starts watching Justice Channel (all the stories about solving real life murders) (not that he has never watched but it was rare until this particular week). There had been times within the last six years that I have been suicidal but not the last two. He was aware of this yet when I was walking down the street (not far but I wanted to get out of camera view--one of his camera's monitor the front doors and the driveway) he had our daughter call 911 telling her he thought I was suicidal. When I walked in after 10 or 15 minutes, my daughter was crying. I felt like he did this as a warning. I called 911 and told them everything was OK. I feel like this was a warning.

I feel like I am not match for him in this situation and we are to poor to divorce. I am living on disability. He has been unemployed for more than a year. Every cloud has a silver lining. One thing I am not stressed about is him hiding assets. I think he feels the same way. When you are really poor there is nothing to hide but it also makes it so that I feel unable to move out. All of us, including our children, cannot afford to pay rent.

At first I though he was just saying he wanted to divorce me as a part of his constant lectures beating me (not physically, he has never hit any of us) into submission but maybe he means it this time. I feel unable to battle him. I will go along with what he wants. If he does not want to divorce, he would use plenty of delay tactics and will turn it into a battle of wits and will making me entirely miserable.

A week or two, after a fight, when I asked him why he was watching Justice Network again (he does this constantly when we are fighting), he said he was thinking about making a computer program which could help police solve murders. He said, they all seem to have so much in common so it did seem possible. For example, over and over again, people are murdered simply to obtain insurance payouts! When he gave me this reason, it did not flow smoothly, and, incidentally, the one time I made a serious attempt, I was actually hoping that my family--both him and our children would receive my insurance payment!

Anyways, I am so tired of the fighting, I don't care if he divorces me or not. There are probably so many hard feelings between us that our marriage is likely doomed. He has beaten me up so much emotionally over the years, that I think divorce would be a big relief. But then again, maybe those terrible, upsetting lectures are just going to keep getting longer and longer. Sometimes they even give me panic attacks and make me nauseous......

Certainly doesn't sound healthy! Other than him manipulating you and bullying you, what keeps you with him?

Usually the next step is separation, that means you finding safety and I think at this point this is a must. Divorce is better sorted out from a distance and through the right channels. There are a lot of people who separate and then take time with the divorce. Safety for you is a must particularly with you having to live in such fear all the time. Get out as soon as!

I think I am dull and didn't understand what was going on. During my last year of college, I lost some weight (I was broken hearted from losing a bf) then a few months after graduating a good job. Suddenly I am in shape, have good job and all that comes with it and I get carried away with dating all sorts of guys. Six months into it, my husband took me on dates which were exactly the things I liked and the sex was good too. He asked me to see him exclusively, be with him constantly, etc and I was in love. During the first years, we had good jobs, were saving money, traveling to exciting places, including jobs overseas. When we came back to the US, I agreed to settle down close to where his family is, not mine. He has always been able to make a very convincing case of many of the things he wants. Then I had two children and just focussed on them. There were not that many issues until they reached middle school but this was partially because I tended to bend over backwards to take care of him sometimes. Especially as they got older, the children were loud in the kitchen, etc. he would get upset. When my daughter was in high school, I was working and usally cooked dinner every night. One night, when dinner wasn't on the table and he got on my case about it, she defended me (he did not have a job at the time) I am afraid he got angry at my daughter and when I tried to intercede, I did not take a strong enough stand. Soon, she was crying. He is a bully when threatened (not all the time). I only realized this about a year ago but I have been taking the lazy way out plus I really am afraid to take the step. I am on disability and in a paid off house. I have no savings but have had lots of leisure time because I hardly work. I need to leave but I know how he works. He will never surrender the house. There is a phrase--possession is 9/10s of the law--I have heard him use this phrase in business. From the research I have done, I estimate that a divorce will cost around $6,000--maybe more if he wants to drag it out. When a divorce is finalized, we will both have to start over again and neither of us are very young. I go from wanting to leave to being happy to stay. But I think things are getting worse and worse between us--this may change the situation. I am writing this post because I am trying to psych myself up to possible initiate divorce again. But the first time I tried--I started having major panic attacks and anxiety. Perhaps I am going to have to ask to be majorly medicated in order to endure the ordeals but then again, sometimes to many medications can reduce your motivation to change--so if I take to much, that just plays right into his hands.....