[lmvw]

Hello Everyone.

Ill try to keep this as brief as possible, however its been a long road with so many twists and turns that I almost lost track of the time line. But here goes...

I've been with my husband (were separated now) for 13 years, married for 9. We have two kids 6 and 3. We started having problems while I was pregnant with my second, so about 4 years ago.

The problems weren't huge or overly noticeable on the outside. They typically involved him just having a general disrespect for my options and my thoughts, him being extremely controlling with every decision that was made in the family, the marriage and even my own personal life. We met when I was 19, and prior to him I had very few short term boyfriends, so this was really the only relationship I knew, so i kept quiet thinking it was normal. But I was drowning on the inside.
Coincidentally, around the time we started having problems, I developed extreme health anxiety, I was in the doctors office 3x a month thinking I had some obscure terminal illness. It took me out emotionally. Thinking back, I'm pretty certain it was subconsciously a way to escape the misery I was in.

In February 2016, I had an affair. Its something I wasn't proud of and still feel awful about, however, at the time it felt like I had finally found a way out (another escape). The second the affair stated, I told my husband I was miserable and wanted to be separated. He agreed, but it was a confusing time for both of us and alternated between working on it and being separated. However the affair really clouded my judgement and I couldn't even think straight, let alone work on a marriage. But as affairs go, it ended horribly. I broke it off and confessed to my husband a few months later.
He was devastated, but still wanted to work on the marriage, I agreed to try but I was still miserable.

We worked on the marriage for a few months (therapy, trips etc), but things weren't improving so we agreed to separate again in April of this year.

Shortly after this separation, A long term co-worker and friend (8 years) approached me and told me he had feelings for me. He is also in the middle of a divorce and I guess saw an opportunity? (he knew about my situation). I also felt similarly, but never really entertained the idea because I didn't think it was an option. Things between us started getting a little more serious and we are still seeing each other currently, but due to our circumstances, mainly the kids scheduling, we don't see each other too often, a few times a week, maybe. Its a slow process, which we both understand is delicate, and I am fine with the pace of this for now, as we both have more important things to focus on.

The problem is, and I'm not sure why, but I still struggle with "Is this the right decision?". I go through scenarios in my head by the minute, and I cant understand why I am not completely confident that I am making the right choice. I feel happier while separated most of the time, even when I am lonely. But I have this lingering sadness, or guilt maybe? I'm not sure if it is just me transitioning emotionally and grieving the marriage? or if its regret? I just really done know the answer. I have filed for divorce, but haven't served them to my husband yet. Every time I think about doing it, I regress. I feel paralyzed with fear sometimes. I've become familiar with this limbo, and I'm scared to leave it. I guess it mirrors my marriage in that sense.
But its time to make a decision. I just don't know what to do.

[healingme4me]

Sounds like a tough position to be in. Are you still working on yourself with a therapist? I am a believer that when serving those papers, having total confidence in such a decision makes a world of difference.
Had an online friend during a couple of years prior that said she would only leave when she could no longer stay. Was part of a small group. During that time in my life my belief adjusted that reasoning as I needed to see things through my own lenses, that how could I leave if I didn't know how to stay. My end result was more I would only leave when I could no longer stay due to safety concerns and grave fears of how staying could be worse for my kids than leaving due to his temperment. But I've gained insight that if I wasn't resolving my baggage through this, I'd risk landing in a much worse scenario. Not sure my own experience helps. Came to mind as it seems you're searching for answers that don't seem to come.

Obviously, the decision is not "clear cut"--only you can figure out what is best for you. I have been writely a lot about my relationship lately--I see things more clearly but marriage is so complicated--our interactions with our partners can become fraught with emotional baggage. I am not saying if you should stay or go but your delay filing papers tells me that there are good things about your partner as well as bad. A part of you must love him. Love isn't always enough but if you do still love him--have you talked extensively with him and a therapist about your relationship? You indecision is telling me that you need to do some more evaluation before taking this major step.

[Misssy2]

I think you have certainly fallen out of love with your husband and the damage control that would be needed to bring your family back together would be tough.

I do think its exactly as you said..you have become comfortable in limbo .
You are already living on your own...Co parenting I assume...

Its very hard for any marriage to survive an affair...and its not just about the affair..you said that your husband was disrespecting your opinions so that means he was demeaning...and you said he was controlling...You know the divorce was the right decision.

I will honestly say however, that you are not ready for any relationship. I know it feels nice when someone is paying attention to us when we are lonely or going thru a difficult time...

But, please trust me when I tell you that you need time "alone" with your children...who are very young...to help you all find your new normal.

You do not have the capacity to love or be loved in a "new" relationship yet..its just the attraction..and the attention...please don't let that stuff clog your vision of what you should be concentrating on.

There should be no time taken away from your kids to be with a new man...any new man at this point and time....Go thru with serving the papers..and then you will be going thru a lot of stress until it is over.

Respect YOURSELF enough to tell the gentlement you are starting this flirtation with that you were not thinking clearly when you started this and that all your extra energy needs to be focused on healing yourself and your children before you wander out into a dating world.

Men require attention (some more than children)...you can't have the energy for that right now...I do believe that you deserve to be happy and that you can have a man in your life...and don't "gasp" at what I am going to say next because this is something ALL good therapist will tell you..

Get this chapter in your life behind you....get those papers filed...get the divorce done and give yourself 1 year of full attention to the new situation with co parenting with your husband..and time to reflect on the mistakes that you both made before starting another relationship.

I know for a fact that if you continue with this guy at work...he is going to turn into the next person that you dislike..and that is because it is too rushed...you are not even divorced....I'm not trying to be harsh on you...

I'm trying to show you from the outside looking in that it looks silly and irresponsible to be carrying on with a man when you have not finished the serious business you have to attend to at home.

[Rose76]

You've got too much going on to keep your thinking straight. Getting involved with this co-worker was an unfortunate direction to go in. You need to be in one relationship at a time. Doing otherwise is double dealing and a legitimate reason to feel guilty.

This co-worker's expression of "having feelings" for you was really not very flattering of you. His wife is dumping him (or he's dumping her) and he would rather not be without access to a woman. So he glances around, sees you, knows you are not in a satisfying relationship and thinks, "Hey, why not? I could give her a shot." Feelings? Sure. A young guy whose relationship has gone down the tubes is easily capable of "feelings" for probably any likeable, halfways attractive young woman who happens to be around. This term "feelings" is so custom made to mean anything and everything one might like it to mean. It's supposed to be so innocent and pure, as in: "There I was, minding my own business, having no designs on this person that circumstances put me near, and without me intending anything to happen, I discovered "feelings" growing inside of me. Don't I have a duty to acknowledge them? Wouldn't it be phoney not to?" So the individual confides these "feelings," so shyly, as in "I hope you won't laugh at me. I'm not someone who goes around hitting on women, but it's just that you're so special." It's never about mere "lust." These "feelings" are something so tender and all about caring with the deepest respect and admiration. So, of course, you have to be touched in your heart. Wonder how this guy's marriage ever fell apart?

At this point, you and the co-worker are probably too much of an item for you to back up from the involvement. So you've gotten sort of committed, while you have a marital commitment that you never concluded that affects the welfare of two small children. So, yeah, I'ld be feeling guilty too.

I'm not trying to moralize or get down on you. I just think you've got too much going on. It's unmanageable, to my mind.